Thread: Transgendered. Insane or Misunderstood?

Originally Posted by 1069

If only there was some way you could just trade bodies with a paraplegic who wants to walk!
I guess that's probably not a new idea to you, though.

No, not a new thought. My late wife and I had many discussions on this topic. She had been a paraplegic for 30+ years as a result of a car accident...

Originally Posted by 1069

Wouldn't it be perfect, if it could happen?
Like, a brain-switch?
Or do you need to be in your own body, but paraplegic?

Don't particularly need to be in my own body, although I *like* my body (except for the blasted functioning legs...)

Originally Posted by 1069

What about some temporary paralyzing agent such as Botox, but a big dose, in the spine? Or a continuous epidural drip?
Surely there are solutions that don't involve stabbing oneself in the spine or falling on sharp objects.

Well... The amount of botox required to paralyse both legs would be toxic (read, fatal). Injecting straight in the spinal cord carries further risks, including the botox travelling up the cord and into the brain. No need to tell you what the result of THAT would be . Other agents could be used, such as phenol or ethyl alcohol. This would indeed cause semi-temporary paralysis. both phenol and ethyl alcohol strip the mylelin from the nerve. Problem being, when the myelin regenerates, over the course of 4 to 12 months, the nerve pain is beyond incredible. Further, injecting oneself in the spinal cord is logistically difficult at best. Finding someone who could do the injection is also logistically difficult. The person needs to have some awareness of where to inject and how to inject. I know it's difficult because despite the nerve pain issue, I have been seriously looking for someone to do that injection for me. To no avail.

Epidural drip would be something else, but would really skew the "results". Could not really leave hospital, as needs to be done under medical supervision. Also, try and find an anaesthesiologist that would provide epidural, I wish you luck. As imperfect as that would be, I'd like to experience it. But then, this would both be great and frustrating, wouldn't it? What happens when I confirm that paralysis is making me feel "right", and the thing wears off, and I am left back to being "able bodied", knowing no surgeon is willing to assist me? I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die. But I don't want to continue living like this.

BTW--right now on the Nat-Geo Channel is a documentary on SRT.

Originally Posted by Felicity

Hi Sean-- I actually linked to your site in this thread.

Yes, thank you The trackback led me here

Originally Posted by Felicity

I recognize "passing" is not what you would like, but it is what you do at this point.
A quick recap of my life up to date…

Yes, passing is indeed what I do. And the only reason I don't take the next step is that there is no way for me to take that step.

Originally Posted by Felicity

I have a question for you too, Sean, since you said you'd be willing to answer some...

Yep, no worries

Originally Posted by Felicity

If you had the option of repairing the desire to be paraplegic and live comfortably in your body as it is, or being made para, which do you think you would choose?

(Depending on which you choose) Would it make a difference if the one that you chose would be a difficult road to feeling whole?

Your question is a tricky one Felicity There are many aspects to it. It is in fact something I've already discussed on my site a couple times. I'll repost the latest entry which has a nice discussion afterwards.
Take BIID Away, Leave a Gaping Hole transabled.org Blogging about BIID

Take BIID Away, Leave a Gaping Hole
Once, I am asked if I want BIID to be gone. I am asked if I could get rid of BIID, would I do it? It’s a complex question. There are more layers to it than first appears. I already wrote about it nearly two years ago. I’m going to discuss this topic again, with a slightly different take this time.

What prompted this is that Claire said to me recently that she didn’t want BIID to go. Dan on a mailing list said that he’s worried that if BIID would disappear, it would change him so much that he’d want BIID back. These are pretty bold statements. I echo similar sentiments. If BIID was taken away, it would rip such a big part of who and what I am, I think I would be left a shadow of my own self.

Some may read these statements and think that we don’t want to get better, and use that as an argument, pointing the finger and saying something like "no wonder you’re having a hard time, you don’t want to get better", and then accuse us of complacency or some such. That’s not the case. We do want to get better. We just don’t think that the eradication of BIID is necessarily the way to go.

Also, there’s a difference between asking "would you like to never have had BIID?", and asking "do you want to rip BIID out of you now?". That post I wrote a while back covered more of the first instance. An hypothetic situation where we would never have had BIID. This is not such a straightforward question, as I say in that other post.

But I think by and large, if it was to do again and I was given a choice, I’d chose NOT to have BIID. Who would chose the guilt, the shame, the feeling of isolation, the ostrarcism endured, the pain, the anguish, the "malaise", the feeling of being a fish out of water all the time? I certainly wouldn’t.

The answer is different if you’re asking me if I’d rip BIID out of me now. There is so much of me build around that. Parts are not good - such as depression being triggered or aggravated by BIID. But other parts are good too. I am who I am. I cannot remove such a big part of myself without significantly changing who I am. What is a carrot cake without carrots? Though that might be a bit too harsh, as I am not BIID, and BIID is not me. Perhaps I should make a different comparison. What would happen if a gay guy suddenly woke up and wasn’t gay anymmore? He *might* be happy, but then, he wouldn’t be who he was anymore. He would be changed significantly. What would happen if an African-American woman suddenly found herself to be caucasian? Big changes, some good, some not so good. But while being African-American does not define her entirety, removing that aspect of her would make a huge change. I posit that most people would not want to not be gay anymore, or to change ethnicity.

Back to the question of BIID. The question is really ableism disguised. To completely remove BIID would be trying to normalise us. Perhaps the assumption is that being more normal would make us more happy. I’m not sure I buy into that equation. We do NOT need to be normalised. We do NOT need to be cured of BIID. What we need is ways to manage BIID so it does not affect us so badly.

This management, for some, takes the form of surgery, or acquiring the impairment we need. For others, it may be other things, other ways to assist (even though those ways haven’t been found yet).

Don’t try to take away one of the major components of my *self*. Just help me manage the negative parts of this whole mess. Don’t try and normalise me. Just help me manage the negative parts, whatever that management may be.
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The other, older post may be found here:
Red pill, blue pill transabled.org Blogging about BIID

Originally Posted by transabled

There have been rumours of a few individuals who were unhappy. Based on what I heard from those individuals, I'd venture to say that either they did not have BIID, or they didn't do the legwork (pun intended) to learn about themselves enough to make sure this was what they were aiming for (or hadn't readied themselves).

Can another possibility be that they weren't sure what type of impairment they would want?

I've read where transabled people often know exactly where they want the impairment. Like not just on the knee-cap, but 3.5 inches above the knee-cap. Do you know of any transabled people who are unsure what type of impairment that they are seeking, or that they don't know exactly where they might want the impairment?

I'm asking this question because I think it is absolutely paramount to understanding identity. Who knows ourselves better than ourselves, right? And of course, even then, we don't know ourselves all that well. But the fact that we can narrow it down to such a degree, that "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body" or that "I want it 3.5 inches above the knee-cap" says a lot about how in touch we can be with our identity.

I've not "settled" for less. I live full time as a paraplegic (work, shopping, etc). I have done so for well over 12 years now. In a way, I did it partly to echo the idea of "real life test" in the Benjamin SoC, although mostly, I did it because being in a wheelchair is the only way I can feel someone myself and no feeling like a fish out of water all the time.

Were I offered the opportunity to have a spinal cord transection done in a safe and sterile environment, I would take it. No hesitation. No delays. In fact, a few years ago it got too much for me and I attempted self-injury. You won't be surprised to learn it did not work. So, I live as a wheelchair user, I "pass", to the point of having "fooled" even my old GP for years. My current GP is aware of my BIID. Doing this is the ONLY way for me to keep grips on some level of emotional stability. But it is not enough.

And this would be a perfect example of how in-touch someone is with their own identity.

Thank you for sharing this.

Originally Posted by Lightdemon

Can another possibility be that they weren't sure what type of impairment they would want? *snip* Do you know of any transabled people who are unsure what type of impairment that they are seeking, or that they don't know exactly where they might want the impairment?

No, I don't. Everyone I know has a precise idea of what the impairment it is they need. In most cases, this has been true from the youngest age. In my case, for example, from about age 3 or 4 I knew my legs should not be able to move or feel. I did not know about paraplegia, or spinal cord injuries, etc. Only later when I started haunting the medical library at the university did I realise that what I longed for was an actual condition.

There are a few individuals that are after different thing. Peter, who has written on my site, needs a short, left paralysed leg and an amputation of the right arm 4" above the elbow. And then there are some who for years wanted one thing, and then the desire shifted, like from a right amputation to a left.

By and large, however, people "settle" on one thing from pre-puberty and don't move from there.

Originally Posted by Lightdemon

Thank you for sharing this.

You're most welcome. I do my best to expand understanding of BIID.

Originally Posted by Felicity

Is BIID more about the disability, or the identification with those disabled in the way you desire. In other words, do you think it originates physically, or emotionally. I'm betting you'll say both--is one predominant?

Actually, I'd say neither!!! I don't desire to identify with people with disabilities. That is, my need to be paralysed does not derive from wanting to identify with people with disabilities, although being around the disability rights community were among the moments of my life where I felt I belonged most.

And isn't either about the disability. I don't want the disability (meaning disability in the social model sense of the word here, where, for example, using a wheelchair is not disabling unless there are only stairs into a building). In a way, it's not either about the impairment itself.

It is about aligning my body with my psyche. I need to bring those two in line. That my psyche says my body should be paralysed is just a case of "it is the way it is". Yes, I want and need to be paraplegic, so on the surface it could be seen as being about the disability. But it isn't, really.

As to the other aspect of your question, it most definitely has both physical and emotional aspects. Perhaps one might say that if it's emotional in origin, we're looking at a mental illness. I don't have a problem with that label. Others in the BIID community are very upset at the idea of being labelled mentally ill. If it's physical (as in, brain difference of neural pathways), then it's not a mental illness. In the end, I really couldn't give a fig what label people slap on me, just as long as I can be offered surgery. I've lived 35+ of my 40 years in intense emotional anguish. I have no desire to live the other half of my life the same way.

Originally Posted by Felicity

I found Bracy's comment intriguing.

It seems he sees BIID as a coping mechanism. That seems similar to what I've read about anorexia.

It would appear that way. Bracy is not representative of the majority of people with whom I've had interactions with over the last decade who have BIID though

One big difference between anorexia and BIID, btw, is that (in general) anorexic believe their body is abnormal and have a skewed perception of reality. Those who have BIID are fully aware that their body is "normal". It just so happens that "normal" isn't the right body form for us.