View Poll Results: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

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  • No, it's a legitimate question.

    28 87.50%
  • Yes, the abused reasons are their own, and nothing... not even continuing... is their fault.

    2 6.25%
  • Other.

    2 6.25%
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Thread: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

  1. #41
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by radcen View Post
    I've known many people who were extremely charming, the "life of the party" at social gatherings, and so on... only to learn later that they were abusers behind closed doors. And I think you're right that often the abused fall for the charmer before they meet the abuser. I wonder if they believe/hope the charmer is just around the corner and will ultimately win out.
    Yeah, I am always careful if a guy is really, really nice. When I first met my boyfriend, it took me a while to trust his niceness was a genuine and not a show. I have seen too much violence and domestic violence to trust a nice person right away.

    I am still kind of waiting to see how angry he can possibly get, but he keeps telling me he is in no way explosive and that he doesn't get angry. I told my sister I was kind of afraid of men when I first stared dating and she seemed shocked, but if you spend so much time with women and children survivors of violence, rape, human trafficking, etc. it changes you.
    Last edited by SheWolf; 09-28-14 at 03:07 PM.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by KevinKohler View Post
    Oh yeah, I got your point.


    It clarifies the inherent weakness of the WRITTEN word, as opposed to spoken.

    Inflection goes a long way. I interpret the OP as posing this question in an honest, genuine attempt at understanding, not an accusation with a question mark at the end.

    Questions, REAL questions, asked in earnest, are NOT accusations.
    If you are not a psychologist, what good can you do except satisfy your curiosity? In the recent case, he knocked her out cold and could have killed her. What defense could he have used then? "She was taunting me, and I told her to shut up and she didn't?"

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by SheWolf View Post
    These are good points, but we also have to remember that most abusers are also very manipulative people. In the case of a smoker and why they keep smoking, they are addicted and the reason they keep smoking is mostly all due to an internal struggle. Abusers operate in cycles of manipulate outside of the person they abuse. They "lost it" on second and apologize the next. Some of them are really charming, endearing people until they snap. They go back and forth and back and forth. I think some women fall love the good side of abusers before they see the bad, and then falsely think they can control the bad side. A woman like that makes herself responsible for her abuse, and I think that that is the case with Rice's girlfriend. She was sticking up for him and acting like he was being treated unfairly by the media.

    I am sure she loves him and mostly only sees the charming, endearing side of him. It doesn't mean that she likes being abused, but she thinks he can and will stop. She probably doesn't recognize him as an abuser at all.
    In the Rice case, many people have speculated that she likes the money he has. If that is the reason she stays with him, she has problems other than being abused. No self worth?

  4. #44
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by leoborn View Post
    In the Rice case, many people have speculated that she likes the money he has. If that is the reason she stays with him, she has problems other than being abused. No self worth?
    From birth, our society teaches girls that they are worth more as part of a couple.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bucky View Post
    I have felt pain when I was in the womb. So when you say they are incapable of feeling pain, that is based on junk science.
    Quote Originally Posted by applejuicefool View Post
    A murderer putting a bullet through someone's brain is a medical procedure too.

  5. #45
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by radcen View Post
    Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

    It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

    Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

    I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
    Abuse messes with people's heads and self confidence which takes away their independence and belief in themselves and their ability to make it on their own

    It's not a free choice for the abused as they are manipulated to a great extent

  6. #46
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by tacomancer View Post
    Abuse messes with people's heads and self confidence which takes away their independence and belief in themselves and their ability to make it on their own

    It's not a free choice for the abused as they are manipulated to a great extent
    And many girls are still brought up to defer to men and male decision-making. Esp. in religious families.

    They dont learn to ask for what they want or need, not to mention that mothers are generally expected to sacrifice their own personal needs for those of their families.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bucky View Post
    I have felt pain when I was in the womb. So when you say they are incapable of feeling pain, that is based on junk science.
    Quote Originally Posted by applejuicefool View Post
    A murderer putting a bullet through someone's brain is a medical procedure too.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lursa View Post
    And many girls are still brought up to defer to men and male decision-making. Esp. in religious families.

    They dont learn to ask for what they want or need, not to mention that mothers are generally expected to sacrifice their own personal needs for those of their families.
    This is mostly the form I have seen in people I know. The woman thinks she has some sort of social duty to the home and ends up being a shadow of her former self as a result of the indoctrination. It's sad because they end up thinking they deserve it. Those men also often operate as a bit of a father figure as well.

    The saddest thing is I have seen a few leave to fall right in the same pattern with the next guy.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lursa View Post
    From birth, our society teaches girls that they are worth more as part of a couple.
    Hell of a choice! Take a chance on getting abused or killed so you can be part of a couple to satisfy society? : If a man is able to walk, he should never have an excuse to slug a woman to shut her up. It's bullying.

  9. #49
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by leoborn View Post
    In the Rice case, many people have speculated that she likes the money he has. If that is the reason she stays with him, she has problems other than being abused. No self worth?
    Not defending her decision to stay with him, but she was with him since high school... before the money even started trickling in.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by SheWolf View Post
    Yeah, I am always careful if a guy is really, really nice. When I first met my boyfriend, it took me a while to trust his niceness was a genuine and not a show. I have seen too much violence and domestic violence to trust a nice person right away.

    I am still kind of waiting to see how angry he can possibly get, but he keeps telling me he is in no way explosive and that he doesn't get angry. I told my sister I was kind of afraid of men when I first stared dating and she seemed shocked, [b]but if you spend so much time with women and children survivors of violence, rape, human trafficking, etc. it changes you.[/b ]
    Don't forget just watching the news and hearing about it can make you paranoid too.My town is pretty safe but just in the past two weeks there have been two attempted abductions in two different parking lots....both within 5 miles of my house. I have found myself rushing to put my groceries in my car and being super suspicious of guys waiting in their car with it running. Thank goodness the majority of men are not evil!!!

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