View Poll Results: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

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  • No, it's a legitimate question.

    28 87.50%
  • Yes, the abused reasons are their own, and nothing... not even continuing... is their fault.

    2 6.25%
  • Other.

    2 6.25%
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Thread: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

  1. #31
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    I have seen a lot of women in domestic violence situations. Trying to understand why women stay is not wrong, but you have to open to hearing their reasoning. Some reasoning is more understandable than others. Mostly, I think a lot of women are scared to leave and don't see a opportunity to do so. If the man is really possessive and controlling, she may not have money of her own or a safe place to go. If she has young children, then that complicates the situation even more.

    I have done volunteer work at women's organizations, and I have seen plenty women try to save money and research a safe place to go. They tended to plan for a few months before actually taking the steps to get out for good. The safest way to get out, is to leave when he isn't home, and try to make sure he will not be able to follow or find you.

    That takes a lot of planning and reorganizing your life. You have to get a different phone, change numbers, find a lawyer, etc., It's super stressful, and when a child is involved, it's even more stressful and scary. Some women stay because they are afraid of leaving. Some wait till the children are older or adults to not disrupt the child's life, but that can be terrible on the kid growing up in a violent home. Some physically abusive men turn into manipulative, weak men as a they age. They may not hit as much or as hard, but they are still controlling, selfish, and emotionally abusive.

    I don't think a woman could be happy with an abusive men at any stage of his life, and I have heard a lot of stories from all kinds of women and have seen it for myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by radcen View Post
    Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

    It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

    Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

    I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
    Last edited by SheWolf; 09-27-14 at 11:56 PM.

  2. #32
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by SheWolf View Post
    I have seen a lot of women in domestic violence situations. Trying to understand why women stay is not wrong, but you have to open to hearing their reasoning. Some reasoning is more understandable than others. Mostly, I think a lot of women are scared to leave and don't see a opportunity to do so. If the man is really passive and controlling, she may not have money of her own or a safe place to go. If she has young children, then that complicates the situation even more.

    I have done volunteer work at women's organizations, and I have seen plenty women try to save money and research a safe place to go. They tended to plan for a few months before actually taking the steps to get out for good. The safest way to get out, is to leave when he isn't home, and try to make sure he will not be able to follow or find you.

    That takes a lot of planning and reorganizing your life. You have to get a different phone, change numbers, find a lawyer, etc., It's super stressful, and when a child is involved, it's even more stressful and scary. Some women stay because they are afraid of leaving. Some wait till the children are older or adults to not disrupt the child's life, but that can be terrible on the kid growing up in a violent home. Some physically abusive men turn into manipulative, weak men as a they age. They may not hit as much or as hard, but they are still controlling, selfish, and emotionally abusive.

    I don't think a woman could be happy with an abusive men at any stage of his life, and I have heard a lot of stories from all kinds of women and have seen it for myself.
    Excellent post.
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  3. #33
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    These are good points, but we also have to remember that most abusers are also very manipulative people. In the case of a smoker and why they keep smoking, they are addicted and the reason they keep smoking is mostly all due to an internal struggle. Abusers operate in cycles of manipulate outside of the person they abuse. They "lost it" on second and apologize the next. Some of them are really charming, endearing people until they snap. They go back and forth and back and forth. I think some women fall love the good side of abusers before they see the bad, and then falsely think they can control the bad side. A woman like that makes herself responsible for her abuse, and I think that that is the case with Rice's girlfriend. She was sticking up for him and acting like he was being treated unfairly by the media.

    I am sure she loves him and mostly only sees the charming, endearing side of him. It doesn't mean that she likes being abused, but she thinks he can and will stop. She probably doesn't recognize him as an abuser at all.




    Quote Originally Posted by CanadaJohn View Post
    In my view, it's clearly a legitimate question. It confronts the woman with a reality that many such women avoid and those around her avoid approaching. To me, it's no different than asking a smoker why he/she keeps smoking - or asking a gambler why he/she keeps gambling to excess - or asking a heavy drinker why they keep drinking to excess - or an overweight person why they keep eating to excess. In all of these cases, in my view, the person has avoided the reality of their circumstances and in effect needs a form of intervention to shock them into their own reality - you can't hope to change or mitigate a behaviour unless the person first admits to the problem.

  4. #34
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Luftwaffe View Post
    I don't.

    But I know myself, my opinion won't change on this, I will never see the point as I see nothing but a woman to blame.
    Your comments in this tread seem really personal and based on personal experience.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    You should try helping DV victims. You could learn a lot.

    Quote Originally Posted by MaggieD View Post
    What's wrong with blaming the victim for allowing herself to stay a victim? Sounds like a logical conclusion to me. If I bang my head against the wall, and give myself a black eye, are you blaming the victim if you tell me I'm stupid not to stop doing that?

    The abused woman who continues to stay in that kind of relationship (at her own expense and, many (if not most) times at the expense of her children) is just as much in need of help as her abuser. Maybe more.

    "Why do you stay with him?" is an important question to insist an abused woman reflect on. If that's blaming her? So be it.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by radcen View Post
    Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    It can apply to many scenarios, but I'll use the recent Ray/Janay Rice incident as that is still current news.

    It is not uncommon for people to point out or ask why the abused person (usually the woman, but not always) stays with their abuser. I have seen several instances where the person making that point was chastised for "blaming the victim". I presume that goes on the assumption that any reason they do is justified in their own mind, and ALL the fault lies on the abuser.

    Is asking the question "blaming the victim"?

    I do not condone abuse in any way, shape, or form, and there is no excuse for it, but it seems to me that that is indeed a legitimate question. One can delve deeper and find out *why* they stay, and take that knowledge to encourage them to take action and escape, and that's what I think the true purpose behind asking why they stay is aimed at.
    No, I do not think so.
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  7. #37
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by SheWolf View Post
    These are good points, but we also have to remember that most abusers are also very manipulative people. In the case of a smoker and why they keep smoking, they are addicted and the reason they keep smoking is mostly all due to an internal struggle. Abusers operate in cycles of manipulate outside of the person they abuse. They "lost it" on second and apologize the next. Some of them are really charming, endearing people until they snap. They go back and forth and back and forth. I think some women fall love the good side of abusers before they see the bad, and then falsely think they can control the bad side. A woman like that makes herself responsible for her abuse, and I think that that is the case with Rice's girlfriend. She was sticking up for him and acting like he was being treated unfairly by the media.

    I am sure she loves him and mostly only sees the charming, endearing side of him. It doesn't mean that she likes being abused, but she thinks he can and will stop. She probably doesn't recognize him as an abuser at all.
    I've known many people who were extremely charming, the "life of the party" at social gatherings, and so on... only to learn later that they were abusers behind closed doors. And I think you're right that often the abused fall for the charmer before they meet the abuser. I wonder if they believe/hope the charmer is just around the corner and will ultimately win out.
    If you claim sexual harassment to be wrong, yet you defend anyone on your side for any reason,
    then you are a hypocrite and everything you say on the matter is just babble.

  8. #38
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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    It's funny you said "life of the party." I knew a guy like that, and he was abusive. I have never seen a connect before... maybe you're onto something. I will have to look into this theory more. lol

    Quote Originally Posted by radcen View Post
    I've known many people who were extremely charming, the "life of the party" at social gatherings, and so on... only to learn later that they were abusers behind closed doors. And I think you're right that often the abused fall for the charmer before they meet the abuser. I wonder if they believe/hope the charmer is just around the corner and will ultimately win out.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bodhisattva View Post
    Close... I was the one abused by my wife. I stayed because I thought that I could help her and because we had kids. It ended when she cheated on me and as that was the last straw.

    I have been out for 4 years now but she still is abusive and once attacked me, abused our children and is an emotional and psychological ruin.
    That is kind of an odd bar.

    It is OK for her to hit you but you leave when she has sex with somebody else.

    I never understood people that think sex is more important than any other part of their lives.

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    Re: Is asking why a woman stays with an abuser "blaming the victim"?

    Quote Originally Posted by SheWolf View Post
    It's funny you said "life of the party." I knew a guy like that, and he was abusive. I have never seen a connect before... maybe you're onto something. I will have to look into this theory more. lol
    I am sure alcohol has something to do with it as well.

    If people would keep alcohol out of their lives, there would be less problems.

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