My friends grandpa used to say this when he saw us sitting\standing around: "There you guys are just laying around licking your balls"
"I feel sorry for ya when you turn 90, because you'll look terrible"
My great grandpa when everyone realized I looked exactly like him (when he was younger)
What a great guy
Also, "I hate Obama, that guys a freaking idiot"
-----MOS 19D = cavalry scout = best damn MOS there is
"I was born at night, but it wasn't last night."
"Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one."
"It took 30 seconds to teach him everything he knows."
"It's colder than a welldigger's ass."
"Don't eat the yellow snow."
"Your eyeballs look like two pissholes in the snow." Usually related to a hangover.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
"Cute as a bug in a rug."
"Because I'm the Mommy - that's why."
"Dingbat!" (that was from All In The Family)
Get down off of there! When you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me crying. (to a child)
Wow, that's colder than a gold-diggers heart! (referring to a nasty comment.)
It's hotter than two foxes ****ing in a forest fire.
As slow as Molasses in January.
About as fast as old people ****.
Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra.