For men only

I don't cheat so it's not a concern, but if I did, certainly her health and wellbeing is more important than a marriage and I would absolutely tell her.

joko104 said:

You mean if you don't want women correcting your OP, don't mention them saying it is try to exclude them?

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This thread seems to be making you very agitated, I wonder why that would be.:lol:

Well, now that we know that every person that responds to this thread is not, nor ever has been a cheater, can we assume the ones that have not responded are the cheaters?:2razz:

This is an interesting moral dilemma. I am not married so all I can do is enjoy the squirming going on.

My thought is, a man willing to disrespect his wife with cheating is ripe for continuing with it even at risk to her health. Seems to me, such a man is selfish and uncaring and that is likely to go beyond the sexual infidelity.:roll:

How did you think the ladies could keep out of this conversation with so much at stake for them. Women can hardly but out when they don't have anything at stake.eace

In 40 years I've never cheated, I don't know what I would have done if I did. I think if you really love your spouse, you should keep your mouth shut. Besides seriously wounding your marriage, your spouse may just inform you he/she did the same.

I'd tell. She's my best friend and I wouldn't want to hurt her - but I did that as soon as I went to bed with someone else. It has nothing to do with guilt, it has to do with honesty and a close relationship.

Slateriesling said:

Well, now that we know that every person that responds to this thread is not, nor ever has been a cheater, can we assume the ones that have not responded are the cheaters?:2razz:

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Didn't you read the part earlier where many that cheat would never tell - or would lie about it? My conclusion is that some posters are lying about not cheating.

sawyerloggingon said:

My wife had her annual physical yesterday and said if her test come back clean she won't need another (guess I have to say it) pap smear for 5 years. They now test for some virus and if you don't have it and have been married 10 years you are very low risk for cervical cancer. My response was the woman knows if she has been with another man in the last 10 years but she can't know for sure if her husband has been with anyone else. The doctors are setting up a big decision here for a man that has cheated on his wife when she comes home and tells him about her 5 year grace period. Tell her you have cheated may get you a divorce,don't tell her and you may be giving her cancer.What would or even will you do when this happens to you?

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l am not man ,sawyer but l will say something

l believe a vast majority of men tend to cheat on their spouses although they claim they will never do it :lol:

the only reason some of them dont cheat is that they dont want to lose their wives and fear to harm their family life.

personally l wouldnt like to hear such confessions unless l suspect that l am being cheated on .

except when there is a health risk..

Medusa said:

l am not man ,sawyer but l will say something

l believe a vast majority of men tend to cheat on their spouses although they claim they will never do it :lol:

the only reason some of them dont cheat is that they dont want to lose their wives and fear to harm their family life.

personally l wouldnt like to hear such confessions unless l suspect that l am being cheated on .

except when there is a health risk..

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You have a low opinon of men if you think the vast majority cheat on their wives. I for instance have never cheated on any of my wives. :lol:

Is this question assuming the cheating sex is unprotected sex?

First, if you are cheating on your wife you are an ass. If you are cheating on your wife without a condom you are monster. Sorry.

The only unprotected sex I have ever had has been in committed relationships in which we were living together or married, and we had blood tests. Outside of that, such as in my bachelor days, I ALWAYS used condoms. So if I ever lost my marbles and cheated on my wife it would be protected and I would likely not tell my wife. Assuming it was a one-off kind of thing. If it was an actual affair, in which I wanted to keep seeing the woman, I would break up with my wife.

People who say the wife (or husband) has a right to know are painting with too broad of a brush, though. There are many people who would NOT want to know. I would want to know. My wife would not want to know. She has told me before, usually upon hearing about someone we know cheating on their significant other, that if I ever cheated on her to not let her find out.

Sarcogito said:

Is this question assuming the cheating sex is unprotected sex?

First, if you are cheating on your wife you are an ass. If you are cheating on your wife without a condom you are monster. Sorry.

The only unprotected sex I have ever had has been in committed relationships in which we were living together or married, and we had blood tests. Outside of that, such as in my bachelor days, I ALWAYS used condoms. So if I ever lost my marbles and cheated on my wife it would be protected and I would likely not tell my wife. Assuming it was a one-off kind of thing. If it was an actual affair, in which I wanted to keep seeing the woman, I would break up with my wife.

People who say the wife (or husband) has a right to know are painting with too broad of a brush, though. There are many people who would NOT want to know. I would want to know. My wife would not want to know. She has told me before, usually upon hearing about someone we know cheating on their significant other, that if I ever cheated on her to not let her find out.

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Your wife have an interesting take... It's a tough question to ask, I would want to know, but I would also immediately break up with my wife/GF. So I'd be asking my spouse to throw herself under the bus... which I think she should out of respect for me, because she didn't show any respect for me earlier...

I would never cheat... even if I wanted to, it's not something i would be capable of doing unless I was practically raped by a super model. Just who I am.

But in the hypothetical situation... I wouldn't say anything. The whole virus link to cancer thing is an increase risk, not guaranteed. But this isn't really fair because I would never do that.

I didn't answer the poll because I'm a woman, but I have to say the poll doesn't make sense.

Most people who cheat do it secretly - if they didn't, it wouldn't be cheating, it would be an open relationship. Likewise, asking people who know they wouldn't cheat whether or not they would tell is silly. Of course they say they would tell their partner, because they are honourable and wouldn't cheat in the first place!

People who cheat aren't necessarily bad people, but relationships with a monogamous structure are going to have the secrecy factor come into play most of the time.

celticwar17 said:

Your wife have an interesting take...

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It might partially be cultural as well. My wife is Cambodian and in Cambodia, and other parts of Asia, it is the norm for men to have women on the side. It doesn’t mean the women like it, they just accept it as the norm and hope the men keep it to themselves. I am not saying there aren’t Cambodian men who are loyal to their wives, I am just saying in my three years living there I didn’t meet any who declared themselves to be. So if that is the world you grow up in, I am sure it affects your outlook.

That said, I have met American women with that attitude, though admittedly they aren’t as common.

sawyerloggingon said:

Tell her you have cheated may get you a divorce,don't tell her and you may be giving her cancer.What would or even will you do when this happens to you?

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If I felt the need to cheat, it means I'm no longer committed to her, and that the relationship would be over before I went to another woman.

But for the sake of the thread, if I did cheat, then I would tell her. By then, the relationship is unsalvageable, and I may as well end it with honesty.

Sarcogito said:

It might partially be cultural as well. My wife is Cambodian and in Cambodia, and other parts of Asia, it is the norm for men to have women on the side. It doesn’t mean the women like it, they just accept it as the norm and hope the men keep it to themselves. I am not saying there aren’t Cambodian men who are loyal to their wives, I am just saying in my three years living there I didn’t meet any who declared themselves to be. So if that is the world you grow up in, I am sure it affects your outlook.

That said, I have met American women with that attitude, though admittedly they aren’t as common.

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On my father's side of the family, it's common for the men to keep a mistress. Nobody talks about it, nobody wants to know, and nobody better find out.

digsbe said:

If you cheat and you are married you are obligated to tell your spouse, they have every right to know.

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Absolutely correct.

I am content with what I have and if she cheated on me I would not want to know. It will destroy your marriage.

I'm not sure whether staying silent would really risk her life, but telling her would no doubt risk mine.

sawyerloggingon said:

My wife had her annual physical yesterday and said if her test come back clean she won't need another (guess I have to say it) pap smear for 5 years. They now test for some virus and if you don't have it and have been married 10 years you are very low risk for cervical cancer. My response was the woman knows if she has been with another man in the last 10 years but she can't know for sure if her husband has been with anyone else. The doctors are setting up a big decision here for a man that has cheated on his wife when she comes home and tells him about her 5 year grace period. Tell her you have cheated may get you a divorce,don't tell her and you may be giving her cancer.What would or even will you do when this happens to you?

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Ask a simple question. "To whose benefit would it be for one spouse to make such a disclosure?"

For the man who has cheated...to make a disclosure prior to the test results would be purely a guilt driven response. Or if you prefer...FEAR.

F=future
E=events
A=appearing
R=real

And then test results come back normal...???? Head banging against the wall time, finding an attorney, a new place to live....yadda, yadda, yadda...

If a woman is describing to her spouse how a test is conducted, the test criteria, and possible outcomes. I'd say that's an open, honest discussion with a spouse about a physical test...period. Had she cheated...in all likelihood she wouldn't have shared about the 5 year part with her husband? If I was her...and cheated, no way would I make all the details of the test included in a discussion with my spouse.

Soooooooooooo....?

My wife is always present when I cheat, so I wouldn't have to tell her.

sawyerloggingon said:

You have a low opinon of men if you think the vast majority cheat on their wives. I for instance have never cheated on any of my wives. :lol:

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you are exceptionai,l sawyerrr you are sawyer

Sarcogito said:

It might partially be cultural as well. My wife is Cambodian and in Cambodia, and other parts of Asia, it is the norm for men to have women on the side. It doesn’t mean the women like it, they just accept it as the norm and hope the men keep it to themselves. I am not saying there aren’t Cambodian men who are loyal to their wives, I am just saying in my three years living there I didn’t meet any who declared themselves to be. So if that is the world you grow up in, I am sure it affects your outlook.

That said, I have met American women with that attitude, though admittedly they aren’t as common.

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Is that maybe a cultural thing, too, like admitting you don't would make other men think you were odd?

MoSurveyor said:

Is that maybe a cultural thing, too, like admitting you don't would make other men think you were odd?

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Entirely possible.

Removable Mind said:

Ask a simple question. "To whose benefit would it be for one spouse to make such a disclosure?"

For the man who has cheated...to make a disclosure prior to the test results would be purely a guilt driven response. Or if you prefer...FEAR.

F=future
E=events
A=appearing
R=real

And then test results come back normal...???? Head banging against the wall time, finding an attorney, a new place to live....yadda, yadda, yadda...

If a woman is describing to her spouse how a test is conducted, the test criteria, and possible outcomes. I'd say that's an open, honest discussion with a spouse about a physical test...period. Had she cheated...in all likelihood she wouldn't have shared about the 5 year part with her husband? If I was her...and cheated, no way would I make all the details of the test included in a discussion with my spouse.

Soooooooooooo....?

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I disagree - it's matter of honor and commitment. I don't keep secrets from my wife. Keeping it secret is adding insult to injury. It would be bad enough to make one mistake, keeping it secret would only compound it.

MoSurveyor said:

I disagree - it's matter of honor and commitment. I don't keep secrets from my wife. Keeping it secret is adding insult to injury. It would be bad enough to make one mistake, keeping it secret would only compound it.

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If you don't keep secrets from your wife....then you would never find yourself in such a compromising situation. Even if you have an open marriage it still wouldn't be a secret.

My point was...all of the guilt, shame, and remorse by the cheater shouldn't be directed at the person being cheated on. That type of confession is usually made by the guilty party to feel better about themselves. You know the old saying, "Confession is good for the soul". But that should never be done at the expense of causing harm to another person. The cheater needs to go to his or her priest, minister or the like...or even a non-biased person such a therapist.

In the case described by the OP...that is a FEAR based situation...that indeed causes the cheater to sit on a potentially health threatening secret that could effect the person being cheated on...but not really very long, in the case described in the OP. In this case...its a matter of waiting for a test result...that could turn out negative...or good.

If it turns out that the test might indicate that a STD was somehow involved that set off a virus...then its time to talk...as painful as it may be...and in all probability...it will end the marriage.

Again...to engage in making a disclosure prior to the test results will more than likely be the end of the relationship regardless of the test results. It if doesn't end, it will "never" be the same.

The only prevention for putting somebody at risk....don't engage in any behavior that would precipitate a risk in the first place.

Removable Mind said:

If you don't keep secrets from your wife....then you would never find yourself in such a compromising situation. Even if you have an open marriage it still wouldn't be a secret.

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No, I could see someone having a fight with the wife, going out and getting drunk, then ending up screwing some bar fly in the parking lot, taking their anger out in some kind of perverted act of revenge. In fact, a friend of mine did that many years ago. And, no, he didn't tell as far as I know but that was on him.

MoSurveyor said:

No, I could see someone having a fight with the wife, going out and getting drunk, then ending up screwing some bar fly in the parking lot, taking their anger out in some kind of perverted act of revenge. In fact, a friend of mine did that many years ago. And, no, he didn't tell as far as I know but that was on him.

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Now this a situation I disagree with. A couple having difficult times...the last thing either needs to do...even in the heat of an argument...head to a bar and then do something really, really, really stupid.

That is an avoidable way of dealing with anger.

That behavior is just not acceptable...regardless. If couples can't get along...get help...or end the relationship. But drinking or cheating at problems at home... never end up good.