View Poll Results: Would you tell your wife you cheated on her

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  • I would tell her and risk divorce

    24 77.42%
  • I would not tell her and risk her life

    7 22.58%
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Thread: For men only

  1. #51
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by Removable Mind View Post
    Now this a situation I disagree with. A couple having difficult times...the last thing either needs to do...even in the heat of an argument...head to a bar and then do something really, really, really stupid.

    That is an avoidable way of dealing with anger.

    That behavior is just not acceptable...regardless. If couples can't get along...get help...or end the relationship. But drinking or cheating at problems at home... never end up good.
    I couldn't agree with you more but I'm talking about real life, not what we'd like to see. Young people (others, too, sometimes) often don't see or consider the options you mentioned.
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  2. #52
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by MoSurveyor View Post
    I couldn't agree with you more but I'm talking about real life, not what we'd like to see. Young people (others, too, sometimes) often don't see or consider the options you mentioned.
    I'm not saying people don't make mistakes. But it is a "real expectation" that when people marry... to be obligated and maintain some allegiance to the other person. If that isn't the expectation...then why form that kind of bond?

    And by the way, I'm no saint...by a long shot. My experiences in my younger days were filled with a lot of mistakes that were a product from simply being selfish and irresponsible. But they were costly lessons along the way.

    But eventually I did see the light...and it was more than just the train at the end of the tunnel. It was reality.

    When someone cheats...and they just can't bear the "guilt, shame, and remorse"...don't dump that hurt and pain on the person being cheated on. If the relationship is no longer valuable to one or the other...then man or woman up and terminate the relationship as peacefully and respectfully as possible.

    But it is a fatal mistake to use a confessions to make things better or to clear the air. It only hurts innocent people. Let the cheater suffer "inside" by their mistakes.

    If there is a health or well being situation that arises that was caused by infidelity...then offer "the necessary information" ..."at the appropriate time"...and be prepared to deal with the consequences.

  3. #53
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by Removable Mind View Post
    I'm not saying people don't make mistakes. But it is a "real expectation" that when people marry... to be obligated and maintain some allegiance to the other person. If that isn't the expectation...then why form that kind of bond?

    And by the way, I'm no saint...by a long shot. My experiences in my younger days were filled with a lot of mistakes that were a product from simply being selfish and irresponsible. But they were costly lessons along the way.

    But eventually I did see the light...and it was more than just the train at the end of the tunnel. It was reality.

    When someone cheats...and they just can't bear the "guilt, shame, and remorse"...don't dump that hurt and pain on the person being cheated on. If the relationship is no longer valuable to one or the other...then man or woman up and terminate the relationship as peacefully and respectfully as possible.

    But it is a fatal mistake to use a confessions to make things better or to clear the air. It only hurts innocent people. Let the cheater suffer "inside" by their mistakes.

    If there is a health or well being situation that arises that was caused by infidelity...then offer "the necessary information" ..."at the appropriate time"...and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
    I agree completely. Cheating and then telling on yourself is sort of sick: sadistic with a streak of masochism. I never understood it. All you do is hurt the person you are telling, who then takes out his/her pain by making life miserable for the confessor. Either don't cheat, or stfu if you do.

  4. #54
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by Removable Mind View Post
    I'm not saying people don't make mistakes. But it is a "real expectation" that when people marry... to be obligated and maintain some allegiance to the other person. If that isn't the expectation...then why form that kind of bond?

    And by the way, I'm no saint...by a long shot. My experiences in my younger days were filled with a lot of mistakes that were a product from simply being selfish and irresponsible. But they were costly lessons along the way.

    But eventually I did see the light...and it was more than just the train at the end of the tunnel. It was reality.

    When someone cheats...and they just can't bear the "guilt, shame, and remorse"...don't dump that hurt and pain on the person being cheated on. If the relationship is no longer valuable to one or the other...then man or woman up and terminate the relationship as peacefully and respectfully as possible.

    But it is a fatal mistake to use a confessions to make things better or to clear the air. It only hurts innocent people. Let the cheater suffer "inside" by their mistakes.

    If there is a health or well being situation that arises that was caused by infidelity...then offer "the necessary information" ..."at the appropriate time"...and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
    I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then. If I make a mistake I expect and later realize it's a mistake then I confess I've made a mistake. If my marriage/relationship can't survive it then so be it but, to me, not telling is continuing to live a lie.
    Mt. Rushmore: Three surveyors and some other guy.
    Life goes on within you and without you. -Harrison
    Hear the echoes of the centuries, Power isn't all that money buys. -Peart
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  5. #55
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by MoSurveyor View Post
    I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then. If I make a mistake I expect and later realize it's a mistake then I confess I've made a mistake. If my marriage/relationship can't survive it then so be it but, to me, not telling is continuing to live a lie.
    Just curious...if in our debate...we're sticking to the scenario laid out in the OP...and I assume we are.

    The question that I have...foregoing your own feelings of "can't live a lie"....then:

    How could your spouse benefit from your confession...unless you know for sure it was absolutely necessary in order to prevent a life threatening or serious medical problem?

    If I put somebody's life at risk...and I know it to be a fact, then I will provide what information is necessary when necessary...and expect unpleasant consequences.

    Under most all other circumstances of cheating...

    I personally wouldn't punish somebody else for my sins, so-to-speak. For me to make that kind of confession would be incredibly selfish and disrespecting the emotional well being of my victim.

    I'm always willing to make amends for any negative behaviors I've committed against others EXCEPT WHERE TO SO would case harm. And making amends doesn't mean "spilling one's guts". It means acknowledging a wrong in a caring, respectful way that also avoids disclosing the types of details of that wrong that would undoubtedly cause harm to the person you make amends to.

  6. #56
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by Removable Mind View Post
    Just curious...if in our debate...we're sticking to the scenario laid out in the OP...and I assume we are.

    The question that I have...foregoing your own feelings of "can't live a lie"....then:

    How could your spouse benefit from your confession...unless you know for sure it was absolutely necessary in order to prevent a life threatening or serious medical problem?
    Do you honestly believe you could "carry your guilt and suffer for it" without your wife knowing there was something wrong? If so, then you must not be as close as my wife and I are or you're a much better actor than I am. Regardless of how much you wouldn't want your mistake to effect your relationship it sure as hell would. Better to tell her the truth and get it out in the open then to let her imagination run wild and worry about nothing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Removable Mind View Post
    I'm always willing to make amends for any negative behaviors I've committed against others EXCEPT WHERE TO SO would case harm. And making amends doesn't mean "spilling one's guts". It means acknowledging a wrong in a caring, respectful way that also avoids disclosing the types of details of that wrong that would undoubtedly cause harm to the person you make amends to.
    I didn't say I would go into any detail about it, that would be cruel. A simple "I screwed up" would suffice. If she wants more detail she'll ask.
    Mt. Rushmore: Three surveyors and some other guy.
    Life goes on within you and without you. -Harrison
    Hear the echoes of the centuries, Power isn't all that money buys. -Peart
    After you learn quantum mechanics you're never really the same again. -Weinberg

  7. #57
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    Re: For men only

    I am aware that I am the unabtanium, the unubtainable delight to the point of giving headaches to women that do seem interested to be with me, and yet find me cold with their approaches. I am a happy married man and that changes one's attitudes towards these now old games. Thus cheating is out of the question but if I ever would do so say in a parallel universe where I am some kinda Don Juan, then I'd take her to countries where such policies are not in place yet. Or how about a general check that test included?
    Quote Originally Posted by poweRob View Post
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  8. #58
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by MoSurveyor View Post
    Do you honestly believe you could "carry your guilt and suffer for it" without your wife knowing there was something wrong? If so, then you must not be as close as my wife and I are or you're a much better actor than I am. Regardless of how much you wouldn't want your mistake to effect your relationship it sure as hell would. Better to tell her the truth and get it out in the open then to let her imagination run wild and worry about nothing.

    I didn't say I would go into any detail about it, that would be cruel. A simple "I screwed up" would suffice. If she wants more detail she'll ask.
    Are we seriously talking about the same scenario that the OP stated?

    Unless you have engaged in an extramarital affair that infected your wife with an STD...,which she would come to know sooner or later...and you can't live with the guilt of your actions, then I say...quietly, peacefully and respectively tell the spouse that you no longer feel the relationship is working out...and excuse yourself from the marriage. And take your dirty laundry with you. It serves no meaningful purpose to leave it with the spouse. She only gains your pain...and for what...unless she is at physical risk because of your actions.

  9. #59
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by Removable Mind View Post
    Are we seriously talking about the same scenario that the OP stated?

    Unless you have engaged in an extramarital affair that infected your wife with an STD...,which she would come to know sooner or later...and you can't live with the guilt of your actions, then I say...quietly, peacefully and respectively tell the spouse that you no longer feel the relationship is working out...and excuse yourself from the marriage. And take your dirty laundry with you. It serves no meaningful purpose to leave it with the spouse. She only gains your pain...and for what...unless she is at physical risk because of your actions.
    I'm not talking about an affair, I'm talking about a one-shot (no pun intended) mistake. If it's an affair then, yes, you should break up but a one-off mistake doesn't have to kill a marriage. Many couples have gotten through worse things.

    The thing is, if I actually did such a thing it wouldn't be guilt from the act but guilt from keeping a secret - any secret. We just don't do that with each other because we found out long ago that secrets get in the way of our relationship. I'm sure many couples don't work that way but we do. Honesty between us is very important to both of us.
    Last edited by MoSurveyor; 03-08-13 at 10:06 AM.
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    Life goes on within you and without you. -Harrison
    Hear the echoes of the centuries, Power isn't all that money buys. -Peart
    After you learn quantum mechanics you're never really the same again. -Weinberg

  10. #60
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    Re: For men only

    Quote Originally Posted by calamity View Post
    I don't cheat, but if I did---I wouldn't say a word.
    then on top of being dishonest, your silence would make you inhumane.
    Former military man (and now babysitter of Donald Trump) John Kelly, is a big loud lying empty barrel!

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