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The most obvious parental neglect: should a parent forget to CHOOSE?

Should a parent choose the kid's GF/BF/wife/husband?

  • Yes, if the parent is worth something and the kid too, then prove this to the kid, with this.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • No, kids do whatever, befause everyone is of worth (to self only).

    Votes: 8 66.7%

  • Other.

    Votes: 4 33.3%
  • Total voters
    12
ab9924

ab9924

Educator / Liar Champion
Joined
Nov 8, 2011
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Location
Sharing time between UK and US.
Gender
Male
Political Leaning
Independent
From the other threads, it became obvious that parents want their children to be ... successful, profitable, respected, achieving, to be proud of, and so on, ... except one thing: valuable/worth.

It is our families that formulate what we are and how much we are worth to others. So, the question is, why do the parents abandone their children after they formulated their children for themselves?

Shouldn't parents take a pass/fail exam like kids do? For example, how about a parent doing what all parents used to do, that is to formulate the child to be of WORTH to someone, and then verify their parenting by asking another family if their child is WORTH to join that child?

Parents don't care about their children, they only pretend that they care, otherwise they would put their own worth on the line to find the 1st serious GF/BF or wife/husband. If that works, at least parents would know that their lives were worth something too. But no parent does this any more, because they know that they themselves are worthless.

So what's your take? Should you test your own worth by proving that your kid is worth to someone who is of worth to your kid too, or don't bother?
 
Last edited:
"Shouldn't parents take a pass/fail exam like kids do?"

"Parents don't care about their children, they only pretend that they care"

"But no parent does this any more, because they know that they themselves are worthless. "

How+to+get+on+Facebook.+She+done+went+full+retard_cb21c5_3526177.jpg

You're never supposed to go full retard man... never.
 
No they should not unless the person is a criminal or something. My daughter is of dating age. She has a pretty good head on her shoulders. She knows a slimeball from a good person. If a relationship of hers ever got serious I know she would come and tell us and talk to us about it. She is not normally very traditional but she would also probably seek our approval. Which by that time we would have already shown her whether we approve or not.

If we did not I think she would at least consider any objections we have and if she found them wanting she would probably go ahead with it anyhow. Like I said its a tradition in my family not a requirement.
 
The answer is in the middle and depends on age. The younger the son/daughter is, the more the parents should and are capable of influence (and possibly veto).

We did that in a round about way to someone she thought ok for a friend, but not for a relationship, which the other person was hounding her about increasingly, with it evolving to stalking and harassment. She didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings though so kept just going along and avoiding it all. So we decided time she learn a bit more about becoming an adult, including sometimes you have to completely severe with someone. We intervened on both ends, forbidding her from any contact and then went straight to the other kids parents for their kid to not make any contact - no more phone calls, twitters, emails, searching her out, just coming over all the time anymore - total severance. One parent received it well and the other didn't, in part for the insult and part because she really liked our daughter.

It became a huge burden lifted off our daughter, who learned sometimes you should just totally severe with someone if they are becoming too much a drag, harassing or annoying. She came to appreciate what we had done - and had learned a valuable lesson in life too. However, she was high school age. Now that she's off to college the decisions ultimately all hers, but she also is in a relationship that we both find acceptable (though not our say).
 
wolfman24 said:
No they should not unless the person is a criminal or something. My daughter is of dating age. She has a pretty good head on her shoulders. She knows a slimeball from a good person. If a relationship of hers ever got serious I know she would come and tell us and talk to us about it. She is not normally very traditional but she would also probably seek our approval. Which by that time we would have already shown her whether we approve or not.

If we did not I think she would at least consider any objections we have and if she found them wanting she would probably go ahead with it anyhow. Like I said its a tradition in my family not a requirement.
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If she asked your opinion by all means give it. Don't just take a whatever she thinks attitude nor either oppose NOR support the relationship until you are sure where you stand on it. Unqualified acceptance could be seen as you favoring the relationship, which actually might not be a good one.
 
No, I decide who I go out with, and who I want to marry, period. It's that simple, besides, my parents wouldn't even pick the right gender for me :lol:
 
joko104 said:
If she asked your opinion by all means give it. Don't just take a whatever she thinks attitude nor either oppose NOR support the relationship until you are sure where you stand on it. Unqualified acceptance could be seen as you favoring the relationship, which actually might not be a good one.
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Where did I say this? You apparently have put your own spin on what I posted. Look at the last two paragraphs and maybe you will get an idea of what my views are.

I really hate it when people pick and choose what parts of a persons post they are going to respond to. They usually end up missing the mark by a mile.
 
ab9924 said:
From the other threads, it became obvious that parents want their children to be ... successful, profitable, respected, achieving, to be proud of, and so on, ... except one thing: valuable/worth.

It is our families that formulate what we are and how much we are worth to others. So, the question is, why do the parents abandonetheir children after they formulated their children for themselves?

Shouldn't parents take a pass/fail exam like kids do? For example, how about a parent doing what all parents used to do, that is to formulate the child to be of WORTH to someone, and then verify their parenting by asking another family if their child is WORTH to join that child?

Parents don't care about their children, they only pretend that they care, otherwise they would put their own worth on the line to find the 1st serious GF/BF or wife/husband. If that works, at least parents would know that their lives were worth something too. But no parent does this any more, because they know that they themselves are worthless.

So what's your take? Should you test your own worth by proving that your kid is worth to someone who is of worth to your kid too, or don't bother?
Click to expand...

Are you saying parents have a responsibility to find a mate for their child or the don't care?

1. I would never have allowed my parents to find and then force someone on me.
2. My kids would never have allowed my interference on their behalf.

What is important to anyone in a life partner can only be determined by that person.

Do you want your parents to find someone for you? Is that what's behind this post.
 
Gina said:
Are you saying parents have a responsibility to find a mate for their child or the don't care?

1. I would never have allowed my parents to find and then force someone on me.
2. My kids would never have allowed my interference on their behalf.

What is important to anyone in a life partner can only be determined by that person.

Do you want your parents to find someone for you? Is that what's behind this post.
Click to expand...

My parents can't participate in my life, but they assembled the plan of it and I am run accordingly until 18. I don't know how it was arranged, but the trustees arranged a GF for me who will travel to join me at the end of this month. I think the guys at the church told them that I had too many GF's or too few, or that I was gay (which I am not), or something. She and I skype now a lot, first I was not really thrilled by this arrangement, but now I like her a lot, and the trustees may have been very well right. That is, that the best person for you is who is brought to you by the people who made a person out of you too. (Although I think you may be right, if there was no program to formulate a person out of you to begin with, in which case you are indeed on your own, as you describe it.)
 
In the US? Absolutely not after the age of 18. Before that the parents have input but that's about it. Younger than say 15, yes they the parents have even more input.

In other country's? It depends. My friend from India had his wife chosen by his parents. He and his wife were quite happy with the arrangement. They have 4 kids at last count and after more than 25 years, they are still happily married.

So it would depend on your culture etc. I voted no because I grew up in the US.
 
ab9924 said:
My parents can't participate in my life, but they assembled the plan of it and I am run accordingly until 18. I don't know how it was arranged, but the trustees arranged a GF for me who will travel to join me at the end of this month. I think the guys at the church told them that I had too many GF's or too few, or that I was gay (which I am not), or something. She and I skype now a lot, first I was not really thrilled by this arrangement, but now I like her a lot, and the trustees may have been very well right. That is, that the best person for you is who is brought to you by the people who made a person out of you too. (Although I think you may be right, if there was no program to formulate a person out of you to begin with, in which case you are indeed on your own, as you describe it.)
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Well, I'm glad it may work out for you, but I was far from on my own and there was a plan to "formulate" me. That plan was to make my parents, for the most part, obsolete. To make me capable of making my own choices and yes, allowing me to make mistakes so that I could learn from them. In the end, able to stand successfully on my own two feet. That is how I have raised and am raising my kids.

I don't know your story, but it sounds like we are discussing a cultural difference. Possibly you are defensive over this arrangement?

You know you, better than anyone. You are the best one to judge what is right for you.
 
Gina said:
Well, I'm glad it may work out for you, but I was far from on my own and there was a plan to "formulate" me. That plan was to make my parents, for the most part, obsolete. To make me capable of making my own choices and yes, allowing me to make mistakes so that I could learn from them. In the end, able to stand successfully on my own two feet. That is how I have raised and am raising my kids.

I don't know your story, but it sounds like we are discussing a cultural difference. Possibly you are defensive over this arrangement?

You know you, better than anyone. You are the best one to judge what is right for you.
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Your post is so interesting and amazing ... most of all enigmatic. What is it like to "stand successfully on my own two feet"? Don't you need the people in your house and the network of advisors and associates to exist? And in personal relationships too? I have been very lucky in that the best girls picked me in school as well as at other places, and that my chef is also the best matchmaker in the world, BUT all of those relationships were more like a game, I was still alone. You seem to advocate for this and now I think you too have a weapon to make that work, that I don't have. I thought we had no cultural difference because I am a white American with Western European ancestry, but now I begin to realize that I know nothing about American culture. So then let me ask this, how do you make it work for yourself, when you run your entire life alone? ... Very puzzling. ...
 
ab9924 said:
Your post is so interesting and amazing ... most of all enigmatic. What is it like to "stand successfully on my own two feet"? Don't you need the people in your house and the network of advisors and associates to exist? And in personal relationships too? I have been very lucky in that the best girls picked me in school as well as at other places, and that my chef is also the best matchmaker in the world, BUT all of those relationships were more like a game, I was still alone. You seem to advocate for this and now I think you too have a weapon to make that work, that I don't have. I thought we had no cultural difference because I am a white American with Western European ancestry, but now I begin to realize that I know nothing about American culture. So then let me ask this, how do you make it work for yourself, when you run your entire life alone? ... Very puzzling. ...
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I run my life, but I am not alone, I have a family. Life for me is more full and interesting with my family and friends. I didn't mean that I am alone, but my parents raised me to be self-sufficient. That if needs be, I can do for myself, without the help of others. Is that ideal for me? No, I like having my family and network of friends and associates. But if I were a different person, more of a loner, I would be set. Everyone should be able to take care of themselves and make their own decisions. It's part of being a functioning adult. That we may need to lean on people from time to time, is fine, but in the end, it's your life and you are responsible for it.
 
The parents who care the most are the ones who trust their kids enough to make responsible decisions for their own well-being.

The parents who want to make decisions for their children are:

1. painfully insecure
2. don't trust their children at all
3. probably have leftover issues from their own childhood
 
Cilogy said:
The parents who care the most are the ones who trust their kids enough to make responsible decisions for their own well-being.

The parents who want to make decisions for their children are:

1. painfully insecure
2. don't trust their children at all
3. probably have leftover issues from their own childhood
Click to expand...


With the added benefit of doing nothing is the easiest parenting at all, huh?
 
Best thing my dad ever did for me was take me to a shaky old barber with antique clippers that would rattle your teeth and brains. Everybody got the same haircut--no hair left. He said when I could pay for it myself, I could decide how my hair got cut and by whom. Nothing motivated me more to earn and save at a very young age than to escape that man's barber chair. I was pushing a lawn mower around my neighborhood before I was much taller than the handles.
 
Ab9924, I cannot begin to imagine what sort of arrangement you are trying to live with, what force it may have, who designed, it, etc. Is this something based on religion?

If anyone is controlling you to the point of trying to force you to accept some girl you don't don't know as a romantic partner, I suggest you see a lawyer to discuss what your rights may be.
 
All relationships change with time one way or the other, especially parent-child ones. Stand on your own two feet and deal with the consequences good or bad.
 
ab9924 said:
From the other threads, it became obvious that parents want their children to be ... successful, profitable, respected, achieving, to be proud of, and so on, ... except one thing: valuable/worth.

It is our families that formulate what we are and how much we are worth to others. So, the question is, why do the parents abandone their children after they formulated their children for themselves?

Shouldn't parents take a pass/fail exam like kids do? For example, how about a parent doing what all parents used to do, that is to formulate the child to be of WORTH to someone, and then verify their parenting by asking another family if their child is WORTH to join that child?

Parents don't care about their children, they only pretend that they care, otherwise they would put their own worth on the line to find the 1st serious GF/BF or wife/husband. If that works, at least parents would know that their lives were worth something too. But no parent does this any more, because they know that they themselves are worthless.

So what's your take? Should you test your own worth by proving that your kid is worth to someone who is of worth to your kid too, or don't bother?
Click to expand...

I'd say...don't bother.

Lets face it, the "worth" of my two sons is not dependent upon MY worth. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that their worth, in time, will be much greater than my worth. Heck, I'd be doing them both a disservice if I presumed to arrange their gf's or wives for them.
 
I don't think any parent should attempt to arrange a romance for their child, at any age. But with young ones, kids that are not yet adults (or even some that are), a parent should discourage a romance that seems abusive: isolating, verbally abusive, or God forbid, physically abusive.

Doing so can be the most formidable challenge any parent will ever face -- anyone in such a horrible position should seek professional guidance, IMO.

Meanwhile, a child (or young adult) who shows no interest in romance may just be especially independent, introverted, etc. and unless they seem unhappy, I'd not recommend interfering.

I wonder about the marriages in cultures where the parents arrange them -- are the partners happy? Do they divorce as readily as we do, and if not, is it because women have fewer rights?

Whatever the case may be, choosing my own kid's spouse is a repugnant idea to me.
 
Absolutely not! I would hope I raised my children well enough to choose an nonabusive partner. If they are 18 and have a.girlfriend/boyfriend that they are considering getting engaged to I would recomend premarital counseling and a prenuptual agreement, but other than suggestions, who am I to judge another human beings worth? If this guy or girl just got out of prison for assault, rape, or murder, etc... I would highly caution against them dating and pull up their public record and show it to my son/daughter, explain the dangers but in thw end who they date, what career they go into, and how they live their adult lives isn't my business. They're grown and its their life.
 
My daughter isn't even two yet but is always far surpassing the 99th percentile and is mentally as advanced as the average three year old. I don't know about the stuff you're talking about but ill bet $100 my kid ends up better than yours at the same age yours is at right now. PM me for PayPal info. That's $100 straight to me btw not counting fees Paypal charges. On the whole approval though, she will do the right thing. PayPal. $100.
 
Pinkie said:
Ab9924, I cannot begin to imagine what sort of arrangement you are trying to live with, what force it may have, who designed, it, etc. Is this something based on religion?

If anyone is controlling you to the point of trying to force you to accept some girl you don't don't know as a romantic partner, I suggest you see a lawyer to discuss what your rights may be.
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This is interesting. I think I have already accepted her, although I don't know how to get ready for this kind of thing. This is not really a religious arrangement, although the people that directly interface to me are from the church. This may not even have been in the plan script either.

I must wonder ... even with all the excellent times I had with all the girls who picked me, how far can a game go? Tonight, I will go out with someone from Ethiopia, she switched me over to liking black (brown/red) skinned girls, but that's a game too. I hold all my girlfriends (ex or not) in high esteem, but still ... it all is a game. I don't know for sure, but if people marry like that, then I must speculate the logic, that their marriages are a game only too, as well as their children are games only too.

I am not interested in marriage, but I am very interested in finding out if there is anything on Earth beyond the games. (Also, I don't think I would be approved to marry someone who is not white, but I plan to fight this convention with everything I can invent, after I am 18.)
 
Chelsea said:
Absolutely not! I would hope I raised my children well enough to choose an nonabusive partner. If they are 18 and have a.girlfriend/boyfriend that they are considering getting engaged to I would recomend premarital counseling and a prenuptual agreement, but other than suggestions, who am I to judge another human beings worth? If this guy or girl just got out of prison for assault, rape, or murder, etc... I would highly caution against them dating and pull up their public record and show it to my son/daughter, explain the dangers but in thw end who they date, what career they go into, and how they live their adult lives isn't my business. They're grown and its their life.
Click to expand...

Very interesting, I didn't even know that there is such a thing as premarital counseling.
 
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