View Poll Results: Should cheating ex-wives be allowed to contest custody?

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  • Yes, custody is ex-wives' right, unconditionally.

    9 16.07%
  • No, by cheating, they reduced their rights, husband needs upper hand.

    12 21.43%
  • Other.

    35 62.50%
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Thread: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

  1. #41
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAnna View Post
    Then perhaps I should have said "Infidelity is caused by problems in the marriage and/or problems spouses have with each other, or with their own character issues."
    That's pretty accurate.
    I ask this because I've been involved with a family members custody battle, they have a history of unstable behavior and the courts are still leaning towards giving them an equal, to full share of custody.
    Some I protest heavily based on the character of said family member.

    To me, serial cheating is a big character flaw, that should be seriously examined and added to the scale when judging custody.
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by Harry Guerrilla View Post
    That's pretty accurate.
    I ask this because I've been involved with a family members custody battle, they have a history of unstable behavior and the courts are still leaning towards giving them an equal, to full share of custody.
    Some I protest heavily based on the character of said family member.

    To me, serial cheating is a big character flaw, that should be seriously examined and added to the scale when judging custody.
    I can understand why that would be someone's point of view, because my son's ex-wife cheated on him, and left him for another young man who did not stick around long once she was "free". That being said, she is a very good mother to my two grand-daughters, and they love her as children would naturally love their mother. Her character flaw didn't have anything to do with her mothering instincts and abilities with her children, but with having a stable loving relationship with a man who was unrelated to her. She and my son have shared equal-time custody, and neither of them has tried to fight over the girls, which imo, is a good thing.
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by lizzie View Post
    I can understand why that would be someone's point of view, because my son's ex-wife cheated on him, and left him for another young man who did not stick around long once she was "free". That being said, she is a very good mother to my two grand-daughters, and they love her as children would naturally love their mother. Her character flaw didn't have anything to do with her mothering instincts and abilities with her children, but with having a stable loving relationship with a man who was unrelated to her. She and my son have shared equal-time custody, and neither of them has tried to fight over the girls, which imo, is a good thing.
    In the situation I'm in, I'm siding with my ex brother in law's, soon to be ex wife (my niece's stepmother).
    She has, for all intents and purposes, been the best parent for my niece.

    Neither my sister or her ex husband is stable and competent enough to raise my niece.
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by lizzie View Post
    Why? Being a less-than-stellar wife does not imply that she is not a good mother.

    The two are not always linked, this is true.... but from my experience it is not uncommon that the same character flaws of the spouse are also character flaws in his/her parenting.

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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by Green Balls View Post
    My first ex cheated on me and is still with the man she left me for. She got custody of the kids. I was paying almost $1300/month in child support for 2 kids. I finally got it reduced to $772/month (after 3 years of paying the higher amount). Why I am the one being punished for a decision she decided to make? Another stab in the back is seeing my 12 year old daughter posting videos of herself on the internet on a site where several grown men (perverts) have added her as a friend and probably masturbate to her videos.

    Unfortunately nothing can be done about this. So I pay, but I get no say. I hope she doesn't end up like the girl who committed suicide, but it looks like she is heading down that road. And I can't do a thing about it.
    This is EXACTLY the kind of reality why I opened this thread.
    Last edited by ab9924; 11-11-12 at 01:34 AM.

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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAnna View Post
    This... makes no sense to me. I can understand a child being angry at the breakup of the family... most children of divorce are hurt, scared and angry. I can also understand the child "blaming" the parent he/she believes was the cause of the breakup. However, children do not have the maturity or capacity to understand the underlying dynamics of why a marriage has failed, and the failure of a marriage is not a failure of parenting. Children need and deserve a nurturing relationship with both parents, so joint custody is hardly "abuse"... and it certainly doesn't "force" the child to "internalize cheating". In fact, I don't even know what that means. It simply makes no sense.
    By internalizing cheating I meant that the child is smart enough to see that one of the parents cheated, and when staying with the cheating parent, the child learns that cheating is okay or even a good thing. When something hurts you for a long time, it becomes a part of you and you become it, and then you will do the same thing as what hurt you initially. This is how people learn to do every bad thing, especially when a custody court orders them into that situation.

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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    When it comes to kids women typically know better than men. Unless the woman is an addict or horrible mom no.
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by ab9924 View Post
    Interesting. So, can we separate a child's feelings from the parents' feelings? I would think that if a parent cheats, then the child feels cheated the same way as the other parent. A court that gives equal custody after that, does essentially an abuse on the child, by forcing the child to internalize cheating.
    Why are you presuming that a child even knows that 'mommy was with someone else' . . . or 'daddy was with someone else'

    We're talking about 'children' - which can range from infants to teens. What age group are you thinking of. If I was in that situation and my husband cheated on me and that's part of the reason why we ended up divorcing I sure as hell wouldn't BRING them into all of that stuff. They don't need to know that unless they're *much older* and can somewhat understand or better deal with adult-topics.

    Like - I left my ex because he was a horrific abuser. I've never told the kids that. They know I was married before and we didn't get along and such - but you don't tell a 5 year old that kind of stuff - you wait until they're older and can handle it.

    If the offended parent (the one who was cheated on) can't keep it to their selves I think that can cause even more problems for the child on top of problems - almost like those parents who somehow turn their kids against the other parent because they're openly negating the other parent and putting them down all the time . . . again - using kids as weapons to hurt the other.

    Quote Originally Posted by ab9924 View Post
    This is EXACTLY the reality why I opened this thread.
    Well what you're suggesting is to do the exact OPPOSITE of what he's going through. He feels he's being punished - but instead of wanting balance and a median you want her to be punished . . . that just makes no sense. It was wrong of him to be denied but it would be wrong to take the child away from her, too.

    Now - I don't know anything about his situation other than what he's posted - but to me it seems like what should have happened but didn't was SHARED custody - both having a say, both still parenting - both still involved in the child's life - both making a strong effort to meet in the middle and still be parents. That choice wasn't given. His case is the exact reason why it shouldn't be 'granted full custody one or the other' - because then when/if problems come up the OTHER can't do anything but sit back and watch their precious child fall apart.

    How is that just?

    I oppose your concept. I think full custody when it's not called for creates MORE problems that it solves (his case is an example of it)

    Children are NOT weapons - they should NEVER be used to deny, deprive or punish the other. That's the thought process that was going on in that one guys head when he flew his daughter into the side of a building and murdered her - to 'get back at my wife because she hurt me'

    Honestly - it's twisted and ****ed up to WANT that to be the situation.

    I'd prefer people mediate everything and beat up a punching bag if they have to in order to share parenting.
    Last edited by Aunt Spiker; 11-11-12 at 01:41 AM.
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by ab9924 View Post
    But isn't it logical that it is hell of a good indication that she would rather be the "aunt" than the mother?
    Heavens - just delete that. I'm hoping your being facetious.

    Because a mother never stops being a mother . . . you never become your child's figurative aunt unless your entire family has some seriously ****ed up issues . .. my ex husband's family had some seriously ****ed up issues - he found out when he was 22 that his uncle was actually his biological father.

    That's how a parent becomes a aunt/uncle - and that is the single most ****ed up thing to ever do.

    Now - you can become a ****ty mother . . . a horrid mother - but you're never *not* the mother.

    Cheating means you wanted something from someone else - it's not like she or he took on other people's children and pretended they didn't have any or something. As we've said - usually cheating goes along with other issues in the marriage . . . or maybe emotional problems that one is dealing with. Not excusing it - just explaining that it's not all because you suddenly don't want to be a mother anymore.
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  10. #50
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    re: Should women be allowed custody? [W:124]

    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Spiker View Post
    Why are you presuming that a child even knows that 'mommy was with someone else' . . . or 'daddy was with someone else'

    We're talking about 'children' - which can range from infants to teens. What age group are you thinking of. If I was in that situation and my husband cheated on me and that's part of the reason why we ended up divorcing I sure as hell wouldn't BRING them into all of that stuff. They don't need to know that unless they're *much older* and can somewhat understand or better deal with adult-topics.



    Well what you're suggesting is to do the exact OPPOSITE of what he's going through. He feels he's being punished - but instead of wanting balance and a median you want her to be punished . . . that just makes no sense. It was wrong of him to be denied but it would be wrong to take the child away from her, too.

    Now - I don't know anything about his situation other than what he's posted - but to me it seems like what should have happened but didn't was SHARED custody - both having a say, both still parenting - both still involved in the child's life - both making a strong effort to meet in the middle and still be parents. That choice wasn't given. His case is the exact reason why it shouldn't be 'granted full custody one or the other' - because then when/if problems come up the OTHER can't do anything but sit back and watch their precious child fall apart.

    How is that just?

    I oppose your concept. I think full custody when it's not called for creates MORE problems that it solves (his case is an example of it)

    Children are NOT weapons - they should NEVER be used to deny, deprive or punish the other. That's the thought process that was going on in that one guys head when he flew his daughter into the side of a building and murdered her - to 'get back at my wife because she hurt me'

    Honestly - it's twisted and ****ed up to WANT that to be the situation.

    I'd prefer people mediate everything and beat up a punching bag if they have to in order to share parenting.
    Your position is reasonable. But I still must ask, because the question begs for itself. Why do we rubber-stamp the destruction of a child's home by ignoring cheating as a cause? Also I was not arguing for full custody, I was arguing for a biassed joint custody as opposed to equal custody. Shouldn't cheating be punished when it destroys a child's home? Shouldn't be consequences to abandoning a jointly agreed marriage in the face of its dependents? Even your cell-phone contract may infer termination penalties, is a marriage not worth even that?

    Also, the volatile job market makes most joint custodies impossible in the 21st century.

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