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Family, FaceBook and spying.

Parents: If you had their ID’s and passwords, would you/do you logon to your kids’ FB

  • Parents: Yes, while they are minors.

    Votes: 19 73.1%

  • Parents: No, while they are minors.

    Votes: 1 3.8%

  • Parents: Yes, when they are adults.

    Votes: 2 7.7%

  • Parents: No, when they are adults.

    Votes: 9 34.6%

  • Parents: Yes, I creep their FB pages.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Parents: No, I don’t creep their FB pages.

    Votes: 8 30.8%

  • FaceBook? What's that?

    Votes: 1 3.8%
  • Total voters
    26
SlackMaster said:
This is one of the reasons I canceled my Facebook account. My 81 year old grandmother kept trying to friend me. I love my grandma, but Facebook is where I hang out with friends. It's awkward when my grandma shows up and says, "Sup bitches!!".
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The privacy controls are pretty sweet these days. I've got a "Studio Audience" group, where I know I'm among friends and can let my hair down, and "Everybody Else," which includes high school friends and family I don't normally socialize with.
 
SlackMaster said:
With kids at college, I don't think I would invade their privacy like that. The only thing I can think of is if I thought they were endangering themselves. Other than that... I see no reason to "creep".

This is one of the reasons I canceled my Facebook account. My 81 year old grandmother kept trying to friend me. I love my grandma, but Facebook is where I hang out with friends. It's awkward when my grandma shows up and says, "Sup bitches!!".
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In all the conversation that night, she never indicated there was anything to worry about. She just didn't like not knowing what's going on in their lives. Simple as that.

LOL, yes that would be awkward! :) Those are just the relationships on FB, that would make me cringe. :)

TacticalEvilDan said:
I'm okay with monitoring minor children, especially if they're 13 or younger. Mine are 4 and 2, and whatever the Facebook of the day is when they're old enough to use a computer will likely permit younger kids. It'll just be a fact of our social lives by then.

If they get to the teenage stage and your best source of honest intelligence is hacking their social media accounts, you're ****ed.

If they get to the adult stage and you're STILL hacking their social media accounts, you're just plain ****ed up.
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Thanks! I agree with every word! It's such an overstep of parent/child boundaries.
 
For any parents out there that need help controlling internet usage, I recommend OpenDNS. It's a free service that lets you block out unwanted stuff (porn, etc). My sister doesn't know anything about computers and has me limit internet access for her kids.

Basically you change your DNS settings in your router to OpenDNS settings and then you can go to their site, log into your account a limit or block access to adult sites, gambling, etc.

It also has a method for shutting down access to social networking. When the kids are acting up, she has me block social networks. Once they're ungrounded, I reinstate the access.

It's a pretty handy feature. I'd give the link but I'm new and not sure if that's cool to do. Just Google "OpenDNS" and you should find it.
 
I think if you are spying on adult children, then youre not really comfortable with the job you did raising them. Or you are just in bad need of a pair of scissors to cut those apron strings. Its our job as parents to raise our children to be productive members of society, to think for themselves and be good happy people hopefully. I think folks who spy or are really involved in their adult childrens lives to the point of having to know absolutely every detail need to take a step back, have confidence in the job they did raising said children, and let them live their lives. Isnt that why we have them in the first place????
 
My kids are simply too young for me to relate to this personally at this point, but I hope that my relationship with my children will be based on honesty and acceptance. Then, there would be no need to spy.
 
Psshhhh ... if i have them, i would totally look up their facebook if i feel like it. Im a sneaky SOB... and my kids would know that. But im not a very controlling person... at all, just really nosey.
 
evanescence said:
My kids are simply too young for me to relate to this personally at this point, but I hope that my relationship with my children will be based on honesty and acceptance. Then, there would be no need to spy.
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and then they will be teenagers. good luck!
 
Harry Guerrilla said:
They have db servers somewhere. :devil:
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You've heard about Zuckerberg, right? He's only eats what he hunts now.

So, he will become the next....

rambo-v.jpg


If you aren't careful ;)
 
SlackMaster said:
For any parents out there that need help controlling internet usage, I recommend OpenDNS. It's a free service that lets you block out unwanted stuff (porn, etc). My sister doesn't know anything about computers and has me limit internet access for her kids.

Basically you change your DNS settings in your router to OpenDNS settings and then you can go to their site, log into your account a limit or block access to adult sites, gambling, etc.

It also has a method for shutting down access to social networking. When the kids are acting up, she has me block social networks. Once they're ungrounded, I reinstate the access.

It's a pretty handy feature. I'd give the link but I'm new and not sure if that's cool to do. Just Google "OpenDNS" and you should find it.
Click to expand...

That's good to know! It's not something I need now, but I always keep these things in mind for friends.

BamaBrat said:
I think if you are spying on adult children, then youre not really comfortable with the job you did raising them. Or you are just in bad need of a pair of scissors to cut those apron strings. Its our job as parents to raise our children to be productive members of society, to think for themselves and be good happy people hopefully. I think folks who spy or are really involved in their adult childrens lives to the point of having to know absolutely every detail need to take a step back, have confidence in the job they did raising said children, and let them live their lives. Isnt that why we have them in the first place????
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Again, I agree and there is no evidence this friend should be worried about them. They are excellent girls and she has two very much older boys who turned out brilliantly too, so I'm lost.

Yes, that is what our job as parent is, to raise them to move out and be autonomous adults. I didn't like intrusions. I'm sure my kids wouldn't appreciate that either.

evanescence said:
My kids are simply too young for me to relate to this personally at this point, but I hope that my relationship with my children will be based on honesty and acceptance. Then, there would be no need to spy.
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Exactly! These are great girls. So there shouldn't be any reason to spy.

celticwar17 said:
Psshhhh ... if i have them, i would totally look up their facebook if i feel like it. Im a sneaky SOB... and my kids would know that. But im not a very controlling person... at all, just really nosey.
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LOL :) Nosey, huh? ;)

TacticalEvilDan said:
Yo, GINA! Show me some love, girl! Where ma grandbitches at?!
Click to expand...

Yes! Something just like that! Totally cringe worthy! :)
 
Gina said:
I was at dinner a couple weeks ago with a circle of very longtime friends. We hadn't made time for a get-together for a couple of years, so it was a lot of catching up.

Several times, FaceBook came up with one of the ladies. Her daughters are away in college, the younger girl just last fall. She hates not knowing what is up with them and said that she regularly checks their FB pages. Ok, that's not something I do but beyond that, one of the others kept telling her that she probably couldn't see everything, surely they would have mom blocked. To which she consistently replied, "Oh, yes I can." Finally after much skepticism and telling her she really wouldn't want to know everything, she confessed, "I have their ID and passwords."

Shock passed through the group. She explained, when they originally signed up as minors, she helped them and kept their information. They just never changed their passwords.

We were horrified, but swore not to interfere, to which I agree. This is her's to deal with.

So it's been on my mind. Is it out of line for a parent of adult children?

These are my questions: Parents, do you/would you logon to your kids' FB pages to spy? While they are minors? When they are adults? Do you creep (my daughter's word) their pages? Are you their "friends" on FB?

I have many issues with FB, but this one was new to me, so I thought would ask and include the questions about kids and parents "friending".

Poll to come.
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Really? Horrified? This is how little it takes to horrify you? Seriously?

***
As minor children are targets on Facebook, my children are not allowed to have an account at all, so having access to that account is a non-issue.
 
Gina said:
That's good to know! It's not something I need now, but I always keep these things in mind for friends.
Click to expand...

It's got some good features even for people without kids. I don't have kids and I use it.

It will block spam, adware, phishing sites, etc. It also speeds up your internet because you're bypassing your ISP (typically) crappy DNS servers.

You can also setup shortcuts so that when you type "DB" into the address bar it will know to reroute to http://www.debatepolitics.com. Not really "needed" but kind of handy.

You can even make your own custom error pages so that when someone goes to the blocked site you can display something like:

unique-404-error-26259-1252704443-67.jpg


Back on topic though...

Did you ask your friend if she'd given any thought to how her kid would react if they found out she was snooping? Is she prepared for that or does she just feel that she'll never get caught?
 
SlackMaster said:
Did you ask your friend if she'd given any thought to how her kid would react if they found out she was snooping? Is she prepared for that or does she just feel that she'll never get caught?
Click to expand...

By not changing the password she kinda left the door open. I wonder if the daughter even cares, if she's a mommy's girl and what other private things she'll share with her mother when she marries.
 
Gina said:
-- These are my questions: Parents, do you/would you logon to your kids' FB pages to spy? While they are minors? When they are adults? Do you creep (my daughter's word) their pages? Are you their "friends" on FB? --
Click to expand...

Good question.

My two eldest came to live with me aged 10 and 7 after their first years at my ex-wife's house. She monitored everything when they were there. If I called them she would put the phone on speaker so she could listen in, she used to sometimes forget and answer a question for them if I asked how they were doing.

They've lived with me 2 years now and they have their own log-in accounts on my computer. They have FB and they "friended" me but I also asked that they friend their mother so they could keep another avenue of contact open. I certainly don't "creep" their pages and I don't monitor their use unless they call me to show me something they think is funny.

I have too many recollections of how hurt and angry I was that my calls and conversations with them were monitored to do that to them. I don't think I want to show my ex that I could rise above doing what she did, but there may be (human emotion) an element.

They are still very young and they used to ask me for technical advice in setting stuff up, my eldest however is at a specialist maths and IT school and will be taking his GCSE maths and GCSE IT exams next June ( most kids do these at 16) and he's now way beyond me for IT skills so I wouldn't be able to do things behind his back anyway. :3oops:

I don't know if I'd feel any different with my daughter (she's by my partner) and she's still at the "look what I did in my nappy" stage so this kind of thing is a long way off. I know I feel differently about her online safety and general safety than i do about the boys but I also know they are deeply protective of her.

I really hope I can handle her independence as well as I hope I have managed my son's..
 
I just realized that I'm almost 34 and my mother has the password to my facebook account because she plays that absurdly stupid game Farmville on it. She could theoretically be spying on me even now. :lol:
 
Tucker Case said:
I just realized that I'm almost 34 and my mother has the password to my facebook account because she plays that absurdly stupid game Farmville on it. She could theoretically be spying on me even now. :lol:
Click to expand...

Hello son, bet you didn't know I was on DP too...
 
Gina said:
I was at dinner a couple weeks ago with a circle of very longtime friends. We hadn't made time for a get-together for a couple of years, so it was a lot of catching up.

Several times, FaceBook came up with one of the ladies. Her daughters are away in college, the younger girl just last fall. She hates not knowing what is up with them and said that she regularly checks their FB pages. Ok, that's not something I do but beyond that, one of the others kept telling her that she probably couldn't see everything, surely they would have mom blocked. To which she consistently replied, "Oh, yes I can." Finally after much skepticism and telling her she really wouldn't want to know everything, she confessed, "I have their ID and passwords."

Shock passed through the group. She explained, when they originally signed up as minors, she helped them and kept their information. They just never changed their passwords.

We were horrified, but swore not to interfere, to which I agree. This is her's to deal with.

So it's been on my mind. Is it out of line for a parent of adult children?

These are my questions: Parents, do you/would you logon to your kids' FB pages to spy? While they are minors? When they are adults? Do you creep (my daughter's word) their pages? Are you their "friends" on FB?

I have many issues with FB, but this one was new to me, so I thought would ask and include the questions about kids and parents "friending".

Poll to come.
Click to expand...


If Mommy and Daddy are paying any significant part of their college tuition or personal upkeep, they remain dependent and have no more right to privacy than if they lived at home, which in my opinion is "whatever privacy I let you have, probably very little." Hell yeah, I'd keep up with them... if I'm paying part or all of their way, I'd like to know they're spending more time studying than partying.

People blow my minds. Most of the time they call college students "kids" and act protective of them, call them "oh my babies!" and want to coddle them like toddlers.... even though legally they're adults, able to join the military, contract, or marry at will. But then something like this comes up, where they suddenly act like their kids are adults and act horrified at the notion of spying on them, as if they were spying on adult strangers. ( I don't mean you specifically Gina, I'm thinking of certain other people when I say that...)

Well, like I said... if you're paying your own way, good on you, do yo' thing. If Mommy and Daddy are paying a substantial part of your college/upkeep, guess what... you're their dependent still, and they're investing in you, trying to give you a head start in life... if they spy on you a little to see whether you're working hard at college or partying and blowing their money, well that's the price you pay for still being dependent.

Could this be taken to an extreme? Sure, there are parents who try to micro-manage adult children beyond anything reasonable. Is FB "spying" automatically unreasonable? Nope... don't put anything online you would'nt put out there in public, because it is out there in public.
 
Last edited:
SlackMaster said:
It's got some good features even for people without kids. I don't have kids and I use it.

It will block spam, adware, phishing sites, etc. It also speeds up your internet because you're bypassing your ISP (typically) crappy DNS servers.

You can also setup shortcuts so that when you type "DB" into the address bar it will know to reroute to http://www.debatepolitics.com. Not really "needed" but kind of handy.

You can even make your own custom error pages so that when someone goes to the blocked site you can display something like:

unique-404-error-26259-1252704443-67.jpg


Back on topic though...

Did you ask your friend if she'd given any thought to how her kid would react if they found out she was snooping? Is she prepared for that or does she just feel that she'll never get caught?
Click to expand...

Thanks again! :) Cool info!

No I didn't ask, because I'm spineless in these matters. :) I was surprised though that the more forceful ladies didn't go there either. I guess we're just too polite? I would be curious as to how she would answer those questions.

Infinite Chaos said:
Good question.

My two eldest came to live with me aged 10 and 7 after their first years at my ex-wife's house. She monitored everything when they were there. If I called them she would put the phone on speaker so she could listen in, she used to sometimes forget and answer a question for them if I asked how they were doing.

They've lived with me 2 years now and they have their own log-in accounts on my computer. They have FB and they "friended" me but I also asked that they friend their mother so they could keep another avenue of contact open. I certainly don't "creep" their pages and I don't monitor their use unless they call me to show me something they think is funny.

I have too many recollections of how hurt and angry I was that my calls and conversations with them were monitored to do that to them. I don't think I want to show my ex that I could rise above doing what she did, but there may be (human emotion) an element.

They are still very young and they used to ask me for technical advice in setting stuff up, my eldest however is at a specialist maths and IT school and will be taking his GCSE maths and GCSE IT exams next June ( most kids do these at 16) and he's now way beyond me for IT skills so I wouldn't be able to do things behind his back anyway. :3oops:

I don't know if I'd feel any different with my daughter (she's by my partner) and she's still at the "look what I did in my nappy" stage so this kind of thing is a long way off. I know I feel differently about her online safety and general safety than i do about the boys but I also know they are deeply protective of her.

I really hope I can handle her independence as well as I hope I have managed my son's..
Click to expand...

Wow, I understand and agree, that was a violation of your privacy as well as your kids. Very unfair of her.

Those same kinds of violations of my privacy, as a teen, caused me to be respectful of my kids and their privacy.

Yeah, girls are different. We instinctively want to protect them more than boys. You've done a great job with your sons, so surely you will with your daughter. :)
 
Tucker Case said:
I just realized that I'm almost 34 and my mother has the password to my facebook account because she plays that absurdly stupid game Farmville on it. She could theoretically be spying on me even now. :lol:
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Aren't you HORRIFIED!?1!
 
Goshin said:
If Mommy and Daddy are paying any significant part of their college tuition or personal upkeep, they remain dependent and have no more right to privacy than if they lived at home, which in my opinion is "whatever privacy I let you have, probably very little." Hell yeah, I'd keep up with them... if I'm paying part or all of their way, I'd like to know they're spending more time studying than partying.

People blow my minds. Most of the time they call college students "kids" and act protective of them, call them "oh my babies!" and want to coddle them like toddlers.... even though legally they're adults, able to join the military, contract, or marry at will. But then something like this comes up, where they suddenly act like their kids are adults and act horrified at the notion of spying on them, as if they were spying on adult strangers. ( I don't mean you specifically Gina, I'm thinking of certain other people when I say that...)

Well, like I said... if you're paying your own way, good on you, do yo' thing. If Mommy and Daddy are paying a substantial part of your college/upkeep, guess what... you're their dependent still, and they're investing in you, trying to give you a head start in life... if they spy on you a little to see whether you're working hard at college or partying and blowing their money, well that's the price you pay for still being dependent.

Could this be taken to an extreme? Sure, there are parents who try to micro-manage adult children beyond anything reasonable. Is FB "spying" automatically unreasonable? Nope... don't put anything online you would'nt put out there in public, because it is out there in public.
Click to expand...

I could see your point if, at any time, these girls had messed up in the past. They haven't though. They are good girls with excellent grades. I've known them almost all their lives. Owing to that, they've earned trust and it should be extended to them. I appreciate your disclaimer as to me. :)
 
I think that's pretty disgusting. I don't think there's any justification for spying on your adult children like that. If the parents are helping pay their way... why does it matter what they're doing if they're performing well in school? They're adults. If they want to get smashed on the Friday night after midterms, who cares? If they aren't getting the grades, it's not like you won't hear about it from the college.

And besides, if she were being truly supportive of her kids, they probably wouldn't try to exclude her from her online life anyway. I have my dad friend'ed on Facebook. I don't censor myself at all. I don't worry about it. My dad has full access to my wall and profile, like any of my other friends do. I have pictures of me at pub crawls on the other side of the planet on my Facebook. I'm an adult, and my dad treats me like one. Thus I have no problem with him being my friend on Facebook with full permissions.

I had my cousin's mother (aunt-in-law I guess) friend'ed on my Facebook until I saw her post a Facebook status about doing exactly what this woman was doing - spying on her son and then going on a rant about how he had no right to talk back when she screamed at him for swearing on his Facebook (he's an adult). I unfriend'ed her immediately. That's disgusting.
 
MistressNomad said:
I think that's pretty disgusting. I don't think there's any justification for spying on your adult children like that. If the parents are helping pay their way... why does it matter what they're doing if they're performing well in school? They're adults. If they want to get smashed on the Friday night after midterms, who cares? If they aren't getting the grades, it's not like you won't hear about it from the college.

And besides, if she were being truly supportive of her kids, they probably wouldn't try to exclude her from her online life anyway. I have my dad friend'ed on Facebook. I don't censor myself at all. I don't worry about it. My dad has full access to my wall and profile, like any of my other friends do. I have pictures of me at pub crawls on the other side of the planet on my Facebook. I'm an adult, and my dad treats me like one. Thus I have no problem with him being my friend on Facebook with full permissions.

I had my cousin's mother (aunt-in-law I guess) friend'ed on my Facebook until I saw her post a Facebook status about doing exactly what this woman was doing - spying on her son and then going on a rant about how he had no right to talk back when she screamed at him for swearing on his Facebook (he's an adult). I unfriend'ed her immediately. That's disgusting.
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Until the lists really come along, you do feel pressure to censor yourself on there, to put a public face on it. I accepted that anyhow.
 
MistressNomad said:
I think that's pretty disgusting. I don't think there's any justification for spying on your adult children like that. If the parents are helping pay their way... why does it matter what they're doing if they're performing well in school? They're adults. If they want to get smashed on the Friday night after midterms, who cares? If they aren't getting the grades, it's not like you won't hear about it from the college.

And besides, if she were being truly supportive of her kids, they probably wouldn't try to exclude her from her online life anyway. I have my dad friend'ed on Facebook. I don't censor myself at all. I don't worry about it. My dad has full access to my wall and profile, like any of my other friends do. I have pictures of me at pub crawls on the other side of the planet on my Facebook. I'm an adult, and my dad treats me like one. Thus I have no problem with him being my friend on Facebook with full permissions.

I had my cousin's mother (aunt-in-law I guess) friend'ed on my Facebook until I saw her post a Facebook status about doing exactly what this woman was doing - spying on her son and then going on a rant about how he had no right to talk back when she screamed at him for swearing on his Facebook (he's an adult). I unfriend'ed her immediately. That's disgusting.
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That's just it, if she finds something she objects to, does she have the right to complain? I don't think so, so why look in the first place?

I agree with you, as long as the grades are good, there should be no issue.
 
Fiddytree said:
Until the lists really come along, you do feel pressure to censor yourself on there, to put a public face on it. I accepted that anyhow.
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I do? Well, I'm glad you know me better than I do.

To be honest, I don't do anything I'm ashamed enough of to feel like I have to censor it.
 
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