View Poll Results: Parents: If you had their IDís and passwords, would you/do you logon to your kidsí FB

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  • Parents: Yes, while they are minors.

    22 70.97%
  • Parents: No, while they are minors.

    2 6.45%
  • Parents: Yes, when they are adults.

    5 16.13%
  • Parents: No, when they are adults.

    10 32.26%
  • Parents: Yes, I creep their FB pages.

    3 9.68%
  • Parents: No, I donít creep their FB pages.

    9 29.03%
  • FaceBook? What's that?

    4 12.90%
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Thread: Family, FaceBook and spying.

  1. #81
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Has it occurred to you they lie because they know you're going to freak out and tighten the noose?

    I never lied to my dad about anything even vaguely important. His general tactic was "advise and permit." There were rules, and I got punished for breaking them, but there weren't a huge number of them, and some of them could be waived for certain circumstances if I talked to him first. But as far as general life milestones go, "advise and permit" was the rule.

    It was actually a pretty good one. I was as ready as I could have been for adulthood at 18. Because I had made a long series of small mistakes when I was younger, rather than being bottled up and exploding with a bunch of BIG mistakes when I was finally free. Sometimes my dad would even facilitate my mistakes. For example, we would sometimes have a glass of wine with dinner. One night he let me have as much as I asked for. I was maybe 16-ish - around the age when kids start sneaking out and partying. Needless to say, I drank way, way too much. I was hilariously ill. My dad stood in the doorway and said "Now you know."

    I've never been that drunk since. I also learned something really important about myself, which is that I have a very high alcohol tolerance - it's genetic. So when I've finally had too much, I've had WAY too much. I need to stop drinking before I've had "too much." People die from NOT realizing that about themselves. That lesson may have saved me from winding up in the hospital at some point.

    I tended to consult him about almost everything. I still do sometimes. I don't always take his advice, but the older I get, the more seriously I consider it. I haven't been subject to some of the massive, life-destroying mistakes my more sheltered and micro-managed friends have. I can't help but wonder if this is because I've never felt the need to hide anything.

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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gina View Post
    I can't get past the fact they are adults. Yes, as you might be paying for their education, you demand results, so if the grades don't come through, you deal with that. I agreed with Goshin to the point that not all kids are ready to fly solo, but good kids who have not been in trouble have earned trust. If you start out having all their passwords and logons, then they won't be posting any of that anyway and you've forced them to sneak about. Yes, it's good no sexually or dumb drinking pics are not being posted there, but it doesn't mean it isn't happening. You just can't see it.

    I respect your point of view about internet bullying, and this reply, but good, open communication with our kids, minor and adult, will go farther than spying on them, although I do support monitoring for minors.
    No, I am not forcing them to post material they are ashamed of allowing me to see somewhere else. They are choosing to post material they are ashamed of allowing me to see somewhere else.

    This is where we differ. You ignore the fact that the kids are posting inappropriate, non-parent approved items, and still call them "good kids"; rather you blame the parents for "forcing" them to post elsewhere. You keep referring to these kids as adults, but refuse to assign them responsibility for their own choices and their own behavior. Where, exactly, is the responsibility of these kids to live up to parental expectation, or to accept the consequence if they choose not to? As I've said before, kids lie. By posting inappropriate materials out of parents' view, kids are basically lying to their parents about what they are doing on the internet.

    By the way, a rather resent the word "spying" on them. As I said up front, my children would be well aware of my internet monitoring activities. Spying infers I am doing something underhanded, without their knowledge. That would not be the case.
    Last edited by DiAnna; 07-15-11 at 01:06 AM.

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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gina View Post
    I can't get past the fact they are adults. Yes, as you might be paying for their education, you demand results, so if the grades don't come through, you deal with that. I agreed with Goshin to the point that not all kids are ready to fly solo, but good kids who have not been in trouble have earned trust. If you start out having all their passwords and logons, then they won't be posting any of that anyway and you've forced them to sneak about. Yes, it's good no sexually or dumb drinking pics are not being posted there, but it doesn't mean it isn't happening. You just can't see it.

    I respect your point of view about internet bullying, and this reply, but good, open communication with our kids, minor and adult, will go farther than spying on them, although I do support monitoring for minors.
    Good grades are a given.

    My money comes with other strings attached then a need to get good grades. I expect standards of character, also.

    My children will free to take or leave my offer. If they want more autonomy, that's fine, they can have it, but autonomy necessarily means they aren't relying on me to pay their bills.

  4. #84
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by MistressNomad View Post
    Has it occurred to you they lie because they know you're going to freak out and tighten the noose?

    I never lied to my dad about anything even vaguely important. His general tactic was "advise and permit." There were rules, and I got punished for breaking them, but there weren't a huge number of them, and some of them could be waived for certain circumstances if I talked to him first. But as far as general life milestones go, "advise and permit" was the rule.

    It was actually a pretty good one. I was as ready as I could have been for adulthood at 18. Because I had made a long series of small mistakes when I was younger, rather than being bottled up and exploding with a bunch of BIG mistakes when I was finally free. Sometimes my dad would even facilitate my mistakes. For example, we would sometimes have a glass of wine with dinner. One night he let me have as much as I asked for. I was maybe 16-ish - around the age when kids start sneaking out and partying. Needless to say, I drank way, way too much. I was hilariously ill. My dad stood in the doorway and said "Now you know."

    I've never been that drunk since. I also learned something really important about myself, which is that I have a very high alcohol tolerance - it's genetic. So when I've finally had too much, I've had WAY too much. I need to stop drinking before I've had "too much." People die from NOT realizing that about themselves. That lesson may have saved me from winding up in the hospital at some point.

    I tended to consult him about almost everything. I still do sometimes. I don't always take his advice, but the older I get, the more seriously I consider it. I haven't been subject to some of the massive, life-destroying mistakes my more sheltered and micro-managed friends have. I can't help but wonder if this is because I've never felt the need to hide anything.
    It sounds like you had good communication with your parents and respect them immensely. Seriously, that' excellent. However, you are looking at a very big picture filled with hundreds of thousands of completely unique individuals from the perspective of a single child familiar with a single style of parenting. You identify with the young adults.

    I've raised many children. Each one was completely different, requiring a different parental style. I identify with parents. After you have raised a child to adulthood, you will too.

  5. #85
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAnna View Post
    It sounds like you had good communication with your parents and respect them immensely. Seriously, that' excellent. However, you are looking at a very big picture filled with hundreds of thousands of completely unique individuals from the perspective of a single child familiar with a single style of parenting. You identify with the young adults.

    I've raised many children. Each one was completely different, requiring a different parental style. I identify with parents. After you have raised a child to adulthood, you will too.
    Heh, well, that's not going to happen for me - I'm quite adamantly childfree.

    I understand that people are different - and thus kids are different. But I guess what I'm suggesting is that sometimes it seems like the line for bad behavior is drawn pretty arbitrarily, and directly on top of milestones that pretty much everyone goes over at some point. I don't think that trying to stop kids from going over them is the best approach. It breeds resent, and I see the results of that in a lot of my friends who are my age now.

    I admit part of what probably contributed to my dad's style is that I was a REALLY difficult kid to raise. I wasn't a deliquent or anything, just eccentric and stubborn and, shall we say, a forceful personality. The more he knew about my life, the better. Him not knowing something was really bad news with a kid like me. I was smart enough to hide things very well if I wanted to, and it was much easier if I simply felt inclined not to hide things. He was willing to sacrifice a certain amount of control in order to make sure that he at least knew what was going on.

    I guess all I'm advocating is a little more tolerance for what growing up entails. And that reality doesn't always conform to how we think things ought to be. And also, that kids being successful and intelligent adults doesn't hinge on them never messing up - in fact it's probably the opposite.

    I do identify with young adults, of course. And I'm still close enough to my years as a minor to remember them clearly, and yet old enough, with some dedicated thought on the matter, to have a decent big picture of how my dad went about creating the environment he did and why he did it. And also to see what has become of some of my friends who were heavily repressed when they were younger.
    Last edited by SmokeAndMirrors; 07-15-11 at 01:20 AM.

  6. #86
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gina View Post
    I was at dinner a couple weeks ago with a circle of very longtime friends. We hadn't made time for a get-together for a couple of years, so it was a lot of catching up.

    Several times, FaceBook came up with one of the ladies. Her daughters are away in college, the younger girl just last fall. She hates not knowing what is up with them and said that she regularly checks their FB pages. Ok, that's not something I do but beyond that, one of the others kept telling her that she probably couldn't see everything, surely they would have mom blocked. To which she consistently replied, "Oh, yes I can." Finally after much skepticism and telling her she really wouldn't want to know everything, she confessed, "I have their ID and passwords."

    Shock passed through the group. She explained, when they originally signed up as minors, she helped them and kept their information. They just never changed their passwords.

    We were horrified, but swore not to interfere, to which I agree. This is her's to deal with.

    So it's been on my mind. Is it out of line for a parent of adult children?

    These are my questions: Parents, do you/would you logon to your kids' FB pages to spy? While they are minors? When they are adults? Do you creep (my daughter's word) their pages? Are you their "friends" on FB?

    I have many issues with FB, but this one was new to me, so I thought would ask and include the questions about kids and parents "friending".

    Poll to come.
    When my kids become adults I won't sneak around finding out what they are doing. They're adults and as such should be accorded the respect of an adult.

    As minors however I have the right and the obligation to go through anything of thiers that I think needs to be gone through in order to secure thier safety. While they may have the right to privacy from anyone that is not family they certainly do not have that right from me or my wife.
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  7. #87
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    My kid wouldnt have ANY access to the internet unless she/he was in front of me. Not till she was 18.
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  8. #88
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by MistressNomad View Post
    Has it occurred to you they lie because they know you're going to freak out and tighten the noose?

    I never lied to my dad about anything even vaguely important. His general tactic was "advise and permit." There were rules, and I got punished for breaking them, but there weren't a huge number of them, and some of them could be waived for certain circumstances if I talked to him first. But as far as general life milestones go, "advise and permit" was the rule.

    It was actually a pretty good one. I was as ready as I could have been for adulthood at 18. Because I had made a long series of small mistakes when I was younger, rather than being bottled up and exploding with a bunch of BIG mistakes when I was finally free. Sometimes my dad would even facilitate my mistakes. For example, we would sometimes have a glass of wine with dinner. One night he let me have as much as I asked for. I was maybe 16-ish - around the age when kids start sneaking out and partying. Needless to say, I drank way, way too much. I was hilariously ill. My dad stood in the doorway and said "Now you know."

    I've never been that drunk since. I also learned something really important about myself, which is that I have a very high alcohol tolerance - it's genetic. So when I've finally had too much, I've had WAY too much. I need to stop drinking before I've had "too much." People die from NOT realizing that about themselves. That lesson may have saved me from winding up in the hospital at some point.

    I tended to consult him about almost everything. I still do sometimes. I don't always take his advice, but the older I get, the more seriously I consider it. I haven't been subject to some of the massive, life-destroying mistakes my more sheltered and micro-managed friends have. I can't help but wonder if this is because I've never felt the need to hide anything.
    Heh. Your Dad sounds like exactly the kind of parent I am and you sound just like my kid does. It kinda makes me feel better that you still seek his advice even today. I often think that I'm preparing this kid so well for adulthood that there will come a day when she won't need to ask me about anything at all. LOL
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  9. #89
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Arcana XV View Post
    Heh. Your Dad sounds like exactly the kind of parent I am and you sound just like my kid does. It kinda makes me feel better that you still seek his advice even today. I often think that I'm preparing this kid so well for adulthood that there will come a day when she won't need to ask me about anything at all. LOL
    I still can't drink red wine. It's been ruined forever for me.

    I find that what's actually happening is that my dad and I are getting to equal terms a lot faster than most kids and parents do. We're moving towards the "friends" sort of relationship, while most of my peers still think of their parents as an authority figure to be avoided and lied to.

    If I sound like your kid... then I apologize on his behalf. As hunky dory as the above sounds, I am still, and will always be, a giant pain in the ass.
    Last edited by SmokeAndMirrors; 07-15-11 at 06:47 AM.

  10. #90
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    Re: Family, FaceBook and spying.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Giant Noodle View Post
    My kid wouldnt have ANY access to the internet unless she/he was in front of me. Not till she was 18.
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