Is an affair a dealbreaker

As long as you're cheating anyway, which Hot Pockets are your favorite(s)?

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bbq or ham and cheese

lewstherin said:

i've never cheated on a girlfriend or spouse. my parents have had a monogamous marriage for 50+ years.
people believe cheating is "acceptable" because their tv's portray cheating as acceptable at such a high
rotation rate; that they actually believe in their washed-out, pea-brained minds that infidelity is the
natural "norm" of any marriage.

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I don't think it's that simple. "Cheat" just fits this poll, but as we've seen within the thread, there are open relationships. I think relationships, by nature, have to grow and change because their only option is to stagnate. And while your parents have been married 50 years, you likely don't know how close they ever were to considering divorce, if either of them ever cheated or considered doing so - none of that. My family was completely dysfunctional, and my folks made it to 48 years. She only didn't divorce him because it was against her religion. Paternal parental unit was a total slut. So people in the church would go "Oh! So sad! They just missed their 50th" and I'm thinking "You have NO IDEA how pissed she'd be if people expected her to celebrate half a century of hell."

pbrauer said:

I say go YOU as well. My best wishes from this day forward.

In 39 years of marriage, I have never had the problem, so honestly I could not say what I would do. It seems to me however, that a person should try not to do anything brash and make the situation worse. I am sure there have been plenty of marriages and relationships that have survived an affair.

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Yes, there most certainly are. (Mitch Daniels springs to mind). If the party who strayed is truly repentant, and the partner who stayed is truly compassionate, they can get through it. Lots of work ahead, though.

Aunt Spiker said:

Can't speak for others - but I do get disgusted with women who 'stick with their man' sometimes (not all the time). I find that staying in a relationship after such things have happened - especially fi they're repeat issues or constant crap - that one just devalues theirself as an individual if they choose to stay with it.
*

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Cheating is often a symptom of larger problems. In my case, I recognized that neither of us were particularly happy, and that I'd come very close to cheating, though I didn't. The choice was between both of us walking away and putting our kids through something very miserable, or recognizing that we'd gotten off the path and trying very hard to fix our relationship. I don't see that as weakness or devaluing oneself.

Baralis said:

It would be a deal breaker for me. If my partner cared so little about how much a betrayal such as this would hurt me emotionally then I feel that they are not someone I would want to be with. Life is to short to settle for someone that is willing to hurt you for their own selfish desires.

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My ex and his .... ****, I can't think of anything to call it. They 'did it' in Second Life on the 4th of July, 2008 and both put it in their profiles. So I knew that at least cyber sex was happening, and right there ... dunno. He lied about it. He lied for a month. And here's the thing. How things unfolded in that last month, and the first months of being single, go directly to I will NEVER give him a second chance. Too much bad water over the dam or under the bridge or whatever.

I don't know how cheaters do it, I really don't. Look someone you love in the EYE and LIE to them?? Loser.

lewstherin said:

yeah. the old "stay together for the kids" crap. that way, your kids will get the idea that cheating on their spouse is ok too; and
then the dysfuctional family cycle can be passed on for generations.

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LT, there are a fair number of kids who parents manage to shield from the truth. They may know something is going on, but they won't know what. I didn't know until my mom took me on a drive when I was 16. The apartments by the high school. My dad's big old caddy parked out front. My world shattering. Oh. ... is that what "on call" means.

She called him when we got home. You need to leave now, your daughter is hysterical. That's how insignificant she felt. He won't care that she's hurting, but he will that I am? So sad, to be that woman, my mom.

Gardener said:

There are sexual affairs and there are emotional affairs, and while the two can coincide, I consider the latter to be the more dangerous to a marriage. It certainly undermined mine.

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Right. His went from emotional to cyber sex to her landing in my bed before the sheets had even cooled. I was dropped at my sister's that Friday, he said she was up Monday. I just realized - he said it. That means it may or may not be true. Hell, she could have been in my bed that night. They're not disgusting much.

A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. That being said, it's a "dealbreaker" in the sense that the cheating itself is so disrespectful and distrustful to the point of the relationship being irreparable, no matter how long they try to drag it along and "make it work".

I've never had a girl cheat on me, but if I did I'd mark it up as a failure on my part, end the relationship and move on. I wouldn't be mad at the guy she cheated with either, unless it was one of my friends.

It depends on the couple. People make mistakes, people will always fall short, whether its an affair or something else that puts a marriage in jeopardy. If both parties own up to their mistakes... both parties are willing to work to put your relationship and your marriage back together, then yes. A marriage can survivie an affair if BOTH parties are willing to move forward. If both parties arent willing to do that... the marriage wont survive. And I agree with ecofarm.... I believe that most long term marriages have survived it.

Khayembii Communique said:

A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. That being said, it's a "dealbreaker" in the sense that the cheating itself is so disrespectful and distrustful to the point of the relationship being irreparable, no matter how long they try to drag it along and "make it work".

I've never had a girl cheat on me, but if I did I'd mark it up as a failure on my part, end the relationship and move on. I wouldn't be mad at the guy she cheated with either, unless it was one of my friends.

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I honestly can't believe you just said that. Relationships are equal. If you believe that a woman cheating means a man failed, it has to follow that if a man cheats, a woman failed. Some people are just cheating scum, and that is not the fault of the partner. Period.

Khayembii Communique said:

A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. That being said, it's a "dealbreaker" in the sense that the cheating itself is so disrespectful and distrustful to the point of the relationship being irreparable, no matter how long they try to drag it along and "make it work".

I've never had a girl cheat on me, but if I did I'd mark it up as a failure on my part, end the relationship and move on. I wouldn't be mad at the guy she cheated with either, unless it was one of my friends.

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an affair in the relationship is most times due to a failure of both parties, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If each party acknowledges their part and works to fix the issues... it can work.

BamaBrat said:

an affair in the relationship is most times due to a failure of both parties, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If each party acknowledges their part and works to fix the issues... it can work.

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But the fact remains there was failure on both sides - and only one of them went looking.

Another one of those "going to be painfully honest" moments.

I got divorced due to the wife's repeated adultery.

The first time I found out, I was crushed, devastated, wounded to the heart, all that stuff. I was young and inexperienced in life too. I left for three weeks to think things over. We talked a lot, she swore it was a mistake and would never happen again, etc etc. I moved back in, with the understanding that TRUST was a dead issue for a long time... that I'd check up on her any time I pleased and she'd just have to live with it, if she wanted to live with me. The main reason I did this was for our child... wanted him to grow up with both parents.

That knowlege of betrayal was there, though, like the Serpent in the Garden, and it slept lightly in the back of my mind, always readly to uncoil at the slightest untoward sound.

Well it wasn't six months before I found out she'd started another affair. This time I wasn't emotionally affected very much, other than just simple anger. Gave her the boot, kept our kid, and got divorced.

That was over fifteen years ago. I haven't remarried, though the possibility remains that I may. If it ever happened again, would that be the dealbreaker or not?

Hard to say. Depends on circumstances. If it was a one-time thing or brief fling and she came to me and said "OMG I don't know what came over me, I'm so sorry and I'll never do it again..." Would I give her another chance? Maybe. If everything else was really REALLY great, and if I believed her, I MIGHT give her one more chance. I'm not an inexperienced youth anymore... some of you will understand what I'm talking about... while betrayal is always painful I'll never give someone the power to wound me that deeply ever again. I'll never invest that much emotional power into another relationship... I guess in a way that's sad, but when you find you're married to a serial adulterer (who continued the same ways with the next hubby too) and get divorced there's a loss of innocence that you'll never really regain.

If I find out about it the hard way, though, that loss of trust will probably be terminal to the relationship.

Goshin said:

while betrayal is always painful I'll never give someone the power to wound me that deeply ever again. I'll never invest that much emotional power into another relationship... I guess in a way that's sad, but when you find you're married to a serial adulterer (who continued the same ways with the next hubby too) and get divorced there's a loss of innocence that you'll never really regain.

If I find out about it the hard way, though, that loss of trust will probably be terminal to the relationship.

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I think that might be a big part of why I don't ever see me marrying again. Anybody deserves a wholly committed partner who can trust. I can do wholly committed. Trust? Notsomuch.

BDBoop said:

But the fact remains there was failure on both sides - and only one of them went looking.

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True. But again.... no one is perfect in a marriage. If I were to ignore my husband or just get caught up in the everyday of life and not want to have sex as much, or not talk like we used to...basically neglect our marriage... Does that make me any better than a spouse who cheats????

BamaBrat said:

an affair in the relationship is most times due to a failure of both parties, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If each party acknowledges their part and works to fix the issues... it can work.

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No, ma'am, not always.

I have found that there are some people that are just flat-out GOING TO CHEAT, no matter what. It does NOT matter how good you are to them; you can give them everything they ask and bust your ****s to do more, and they'll still cheat. Don't ask me why, 'cuz the only answer I have is "it appears to be their nature to always look for greener grass".

But I will definitely dispute that it is "always" a failure of both partners. That may be true in some cases, but not all by a long shot.

BDBoop said:

LT, there are a fair number of kids who parents manage to shield from the truth. They may know something is going on, but they won't know what. I didn't know until my mom took me on a drive when I was 16. The apartments by the high school. My dad's big old caddy parked out front. My world shattering. Oh. ... is that what "on call" means.

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Or maybe your kids will get the idea that people make mistakes, and two people who love each other will try and work things out, even when there are problems.

habitual cheaters are a totally different thing..... both parties are NOT working together to make their marriage work. That sort of marriage I dont believe can be saved.

Goshin said:

No, ma'am, not always.

I have found that there are some people that are just flat-out GOING TO CHEAT, no matter what. It does NOT matter how good you are to them; you can give them everything they ask and bust your ****s to do more, and they'll still cheat. Don't ask me why, 'cuz the only answer I have is "it appears to be their nature to always look for greener grass".

But I will definitely dispute that it is "always" a failure of both partners. That may be true in some cases, but not all by a long shot.

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you are correct. and those are generally habitual cheaters. Not the "damn we ****ed up and made a mistake" variety

BamaBrat said:

True. But again.... no one is perfect in a marriage. If I were to ignore my husband or just get caught up in the everyday of life and not want to have sex as much, or not talk like we used to...basically neglect our marriage... Does that make me any better than a spouse who cheats????

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[tilt] ... YES? Seriously? You would think you deserved to be cheated on because you got comfortable? If he didn't try to do anything to change the status quo, then his cheating is on HIM.

Goshin said:

No, ma'am, not always.

I have found that there are some people that are just flat-out GOING TO CHEAT, no matter what. It does NOT matter how good you are to them; you can give them everything they ask and bust your ****s to do more, and they'll still cheat. Don't ask me why, 'cuz the only answer I have is "it appears to be their nature to always look for greener grass".

But I will definitely dispute that it is "always" a failure of both partners. That may be true in some cases, but not all by a long shot.

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Yep, this is so true. We both neglected our marriage and so, when he cheated, I was crushed, but I wasn't surprised.

When I threw my all into working on the marriage, and giving him everything I had, emotionally speaking, and he cheated again, though, there really was no excuse for it, and I realized the problem was chronic (with him), and there was nothing I could do to fix it. At that point, the marriage was basically over.

Since that time, he's cheated on everyone he's ever dated and has recently remarried. I would say that it's highly likely that when the shiny/new wears off, he'll cheat on her, too.

Catz Part Deux said:

Or maybe your kids will get the idea that people make mistakes, and two people who love each other will try and work things out, even when there are problems.

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That'd be somebody else's house. At that point, she'd already hated him for four years because of the incest.

BDBoop said:

That'd be somebody else's house. At that point, she'd already hated him for four years because of the incest.

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Yes, I was mainly replying to Lews Therin's initial post on the subject.

Catz Part Deux said:

Yes, I was mainly replying to Lews Therin's initial post on the subject.

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Okay, thanks.

Goshin said:

No, ma'am, not always.

I have found that there are some people that are just flat-out GOING TO CHEAT, no matter what. It does NOT matter how good you are to them; you can give them everything they ask and bust your ****s to do more, and they'll still cheat. Don't ask me why, 'cuz the only answer I have is "it appears to be their nature to always look for greener grass".

But I will definitely dispute that it is "always" a failure of both partners. That may be true in some cases, but not all by a long shot.

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My first extremely passionate relationship involved a young man who I felt was meant to be my "forever". I did everything I knew how to do in that relationship, we rarely even bickered...He never mentioned he was lacking anything or needed anything more from me. I found out 18 months in that he had been cheating on me from about 2 months in. I was crushed, ended the relationship, tried to move on. Over the next two years I gave him a few chances, only to find out that he was either cheating on me, or using me (unwittingly) as the other woman. He simply couldn't be faithful...to anybody. Now he's married, but I have heard they are already in counseling for his infidelity. Go figure.