View Poll Results: If your partner cheats, will you stay?

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  • No, I'd end it

    23 39.66%
  • Yes, I'd stay. Period.

    3 5.17%
  • I'd stay conditionally

    15 25.86%
  • Don't know/not sure/not in a relationship/HOT POCKETS!

    17 29.31%
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Thread: Is an affair a dealbreaker

  1. #61
    Advisor BamaBrat's Avatar
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Khayembii Communique View Post
    A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. That being said, it's a "dealbreaker" in the sense that the cheating itself is so disrespectful and distrustful to the point of the relationship being irreparable, no matter how long they try to drag it along and "make it work".

    I've never had a girl cheat on me, but if I did I'd mark it up as a failure on my part, end the relationship and move on. I wouldn't be mad at the guy she cheated with either, unless it was one of my friends.
    an affair in the relationship is most times due to a failure of both parties, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If each party acknowledges their part and works to fix the issues... it can work.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BamaBrat View Post
    an affair in the relationship is most times due to a failure of both parties, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If each party acknowledges their part and works to fix the issues... it can work.
    But the fact remains there was failure on both sides - and only one of them went looking.

  3. #63
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Another one of those "going to be painfully honest" moments.

    I got divorced due to the wife's repeated adultery.

    The first time I found out, I was crushed, devastated, wounded to the heart, all that stuff. I was young and inexperienced in life too. I left for three weeks to think things over. We talked a lot, she swore it was a mistake and would never happen again, etc etc. I moved back in, with the understanding that TRUST was a dead issue for a long time... that I'd check up on her any time I pleased and she'd just have to live with it, if she wanted to live with me. The main reason I did this was for our child... wanted him to grow up with both parents.

    That knowlege of betrayal was there, though, like the Serpent in the Garden, and it slept lightly in the back of my mind, always readly to uncoil at the slightest untoward sound.

    Well it wasn't six months before I found out she'd started another affair. This time I wasn't emotionally affected very much, other than just simple anger. Gave her the boot, kept our kid, and got divorced.

    That was over fifteen years ago. I haven't remarried, though the possibility remains that I may. If it ever happened again, would that be the dealbreaker or not?

    Hard to say. Depends on circumstances. If it was a one-time thing or brief fling and she came to me and said "OMG I don't know what came over me, I'm so sorry and I'll never do it again..." Would I give her another chance? Maybe. If everything else was really REALLY great, and if I believed her, I MIGHT give her one more chance. I'm not an inexperienced youth anymore... some of you will understand what I'm talking about... while betrayal is always painful I'll never give someone the power to wound me that deeply ever again. I'll never invest that much emotional power into another relationship... I guess in a way that's sad, but when you find you're married to a serial adulterer (who continued the same ways with the next hubby too) and get divorced there's a loss of innocence that you'll never really regain.

    If I find out about it the hard way, though, that loss of trust will probably be terminal to the relationship.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Goshin View Post
    while betrayal is always painful I'll never give someone the power to wound me that deeply ever again. I'll never invest that much emotional power into another relationship... I guess in a way that's sad, but when you find you're married to a serial adulterer (who continued the same ways with the next hubby too) and get divorced there's a loss of innocence that you'll never really regain.

    If I find out about it the hard way, though, that loss of trust will probably be terminal to the relationship.
    I think that might be a big part of why I don't ever see me marrying again. Anybody deserves a wholly committed partner who can trust. I can do wholly committed. Trust? Notsomuch.

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    Advisor BamaBrat's Avatar
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
    But the fact remains there was failure on both sides - and only one of them went looking.
    True. But again.... no one is perfect in a marriage. If I were to ignore my husband or just get caught up in the everyday of life and not want to have sex as much, or not talk like we used to...basically neglect our marriage... Does that make me any better than a spouse who cheats????

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BamaBrat View Post
    an affair in the relationship is most times due to a failure of both parties, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If each party acknowledges their part and works to fix the issues... it can work.

    No, ma'am, not always.

    I have found that there are some people that are just flat-out GOING TO CHEAT, no matter what. It does NOT matter how good you are to them; you can give them everything they ask and bust your ****s to do more, and they'll still cheat. Don't ask me why, 'cuz the only answer I have is "it appears to be their nature to always look for greener grass".

    But I will definitely dispute that it is "always" a failure of both partners. That may be true in some cases, but not all by a long shot.

    Fiddling While Rome Burns
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
    LT, there are a fair number of kids who parents manage to shield from the truth. They may know something is going on, but they won't know what. I didn't know until my mom took me on a drive when I was 16. The apartments by the high school. My dad's big old caddy parked out front. My world shattering. Oh. ... is that what "on call" means.
    Or maybe your kids will get the idea that people make mistakes, and two people who love each other will try and work things out, even when there are problems.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    habitual cheaters are a totally different thing..... both parties are NOT working together to make their marriage work. That sort of marriage I dont believe can be saved.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Goshin View Post
    No, ma'am, not always.

    I have found that there are some people that are just flat-out GOING TO CHEAT, no matter what. It does NOT matter how good you are to them; you can give them everything they ask and bust your ****s to do more, and they'll still cheat. Don't ask me why, 'cuz the only answer I have is "it appears to be their nature to always look for greener grass".

    But I will definitely dispute that it is "always" a failure of both partners. That may be true in some cases, but not all by a long shot.
    you are correct. and those are generally habitual cheaters. Not the "damn we ****ed up and made a mistake" variety

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BamaBrat View Post
    True. But again.... no one is perfect in a marriage. If I were to ignore my husband or just get caught up in the everyday of life and not want to have sex as much, or not talk like we used to...basically neglect our marriage... Does that make me any better than a spouse who cheats????
    [tilt] ... YES? Seriously? You would think you deserved to be cheated on because you got comfortable? If he didn't try to do anything to change the status quo, then his cheating is on HIM.

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