View Poll Results: If your partner cheats, will you stay?

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  • No, I'd end it

    23 39.66%
  • Yes, I'd stay. Period.

    3 5.17%
  • I'd stay conditionally

    15 25.86%
  • Don't know/not sure/not in a relationship/HOT POCKETS!

    17 29.31%
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Thread: Is an affair a dealbreaker

  1. #41
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    There are sexual affairs and there are emotional affairs, and while the two can coincide, I consider the latter to be the more dangerous to a marriage. It certainly undermined mine.
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  2. #42
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    It depends on the level of infidelity and how I find out, but mostly...yes, an affair is a deal breaker. I have a hard time developing trust in people, so once they've done something to damage that trust it isn't likely to be rebuilt. I don't have very strict boundaries for my boyfriend. He knows strip clubs, happy ending massages, and work-flirting are no concern for me. I don't care how often he looks at porn, and have no issue including it in our mutual sexy time. If he feels the need to go beyond those boundaries we have a very serious problem.

    The only factor that would make me more likely to try working things out would be children. If we have kids and he cheats I'll have to consider the duration of the infidelity and that level of infidelity very seriously so that I can decide whether or not counseling will be healthiest/best for the family.

    Without kids, cheating is almost always a deal breaker. There are about 3 billion males on the planet..I can find another one and I don't have to put up with one who disrespects me enough to violate my trust.

    Also, as to the "stay together for the kids" comment....my children shouldn't and have no reason to know of infidelity in my marriage. Any problems my husband/their father and I have are our problems, not the children's. If we feel that a family unit can be healthier and safer for the children we will privately and mutually seek help rebuilding our relationship. If we feel that a family unit cannot be maintained in a healthy manner we will separate.
    Last edited by tessaesque; 06-24-11 at 12:01 PM.
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  3. #43
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
    I should ask for more information. For instance, as a newlywed I would answer the same as you. When I wasn't married, I would say the same. Ten years in, and my tune started changing. Then there was equity, and we'd built something worth fighting for. Unfortunately, he didn't see it the same way. C'est la vie.
    A question could be asked, what was the non-cheating party's role in it.
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  4. #44
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
    If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)
    You used the word cheats. I take that this means that the activity was outside the agreed acceptable behavior. Then they have to negotiate a new agreement that is acceptable to both or it's going to end the marriage. No one else counts.

  5. #45
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
    If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)
    Mine would.

    Can't speak for others - but I do get disgusted with women who 'stick with their man' sometimes (not all the time). I find that staying in a relationship after such things have happened - especially fi they're repeat issues or constant crap - that one just devalues theirself as an individual if they choose to stay with it.

    I knew one woman who chose not to leave her husband - but she could never get over it, either - she just gave him crap about it, years after things happened it still kept her up late at night. She just let it eat her up and she'd call me up a few times to bitch to me about how angry she still was . . . . if you want to stay you must forgive, get over it, move on.

    *edit: men I've met who've had a partner that cheated but none have ever stuck with them, I'm sure that's not a standard - just my knowledge.*
    Last edited by Aunt Spiker; 06-24-11 at 12:27 PM.
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  6. #46
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    It would have to end... no doubt about it. Since I have my marriage built on trust and that trust no longer exists, the foundation of the relationship has been destroyed. We don't have kids so there's no consideration there. I'm not very traditional either when it comes to marriage - I actually don't have a "proper" marriage, as in I don't have a piece of paper saying we're married. Neither of us really wants that - and if we ever did make it official it would be a weekend in Vegas type of thing. We're both too old and been around too long to bother with the big white wedding and see it as a bother, massive expense with little pay off other than pictures no one wants to see years later. However, if a relationship (not mine of course) decides to open up and BOTH want to bring others into the bedroom with full disclosure then fine. I think that's risky - both emotionally and physically but each to their own.
    I think if Thomas Jefferson were looking down, the author of the Bill of Rights, on whats being proposed here, hed agree with it. He would agree that the First Amendment cannot be absolute. - Chuck Schumer (D). Yet, Madison and Mason wrote the Bill of Rights, according to Sheila Jackson Lee, 400 years ago. Yup, it's a fact.


  7. #47
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by BDBoop View Post
    If a partner cheats, should the relationship/marriage end (in your estimation.)
    A habitual cheater? Yep, over. A guy who can't keep it in his pants? Yep, over. A serious affair. Nah. If I loved my husband, and he wanted to work at the marriage, I'd work with him. Everyone makes mistakes...human nature happens...wouldn't be worth throwing out a previously good marriage. Forgiveness is very powerful.
    The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am ​the storm."

  8. #48
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by American View Post
    A question could be asked, what was the non-cheating party's role in it.
    I don't agree, if you mean to place blame on the noncheating spouse. Commitment is commitment. Don't want to be married? Get a divorce....get in counselling...blaming your partner is a coward's way out.
    The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am ​the storm."

  9. #49
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr_Patrick View Post
    I would have voted yes, but I really like hot pockets. In essence, I've just cheated on my own moral code for cheap frozen pastries.
    As long as you're cheating anyway, which Hot Pockets are your favorite(s)?

  10. #50
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by MaggieD View Post
    I don't agree, if you mean to place blame on the noncheating spouse. Commitment is commitment. Don't want to be married? Get a divorce....get in counselling...blaming your partner is a coward's way out.
    Agreed, but his point stands. Once I was probably a year from the pain, I started seeing how he felt like he lost me probably a year before I lost him. I yelled at him, during our last phone call - or was it email. He accused me of playing the victim card. I said "you can't play the victim card when you've been victimized, you [expletive-deleted]!!" I was depressed, the last year or two of the marriage. I was so depressed that all I did was eat, sleep, and play WoW. I still kept his clothes clean, laid them out every day, and made his lunch. There was still hugging going on, and plenty of laughter and I-love-you's. But I think when I started to send him to movies without me, or saying I'd go and then cancelling, that he'd had about enough. But by then he was living in Second Life, and doing the same as me but still working a job. Eat, sleep, work, game. I remember crying because I missed him so much, and him yelling at me. I remember telling him I didn't want to live anymore and him telling me to "stop talking stupid." It was a downward spiral I never want to experience again.

    So. If he'd agreed to leave the game and cease all communication with her, and go for counseling (which is the first thing I asked) we might still be together. Or? Maybe marriage isn't actually meant to be forever. Maybe we really aren't (humans) meant for "til death do us part." I don't know, either way. Maybe someday I'll meet a real man, with a big boy penis and a high school diploma. [Of course I'm not bitter. How could you even reach that conclusion.] Or maybe I'll just hang with the red hat ladies and enjoy the solitude someone born under the sign of 'Hermit, the Crab' is entitled to.


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