View Poll Results: If your partner cheats, will you stay?

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  • No, I'd end it

    23 39.66%
  • Yes, I'd stay. Period.

    3 5.17%
  • I'd stay conditionally

    15 25.86%
  • Don't know/not sure/not in a relationship/HOT POCKETS!

    17 29.31%
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Thread: Is an affair a dealbreaker

  1. #101
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry View Post
    Basically, if there's no ring of some kind on your finger, even if it's a 'friendship' ring I've seen on long-term gf's, then there are no rules. Since cheating is braking a rule to gain an advantage, if there are no rules, no act can be cheating.
    It's basically up to the couple to define terms. There is no ring on my finger, but I'm pretty sure that if I slept with another man, or if he slept with another woman, it would kill our relationship, because it would be a violation of the terms of our relationship. We aren't married, but we have both committed verbally to be monogamous.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    I'm not sure. It wouldn't be the sex that got me upset, but the lying. That kind of violation of trust might just be too much.
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Khayembii Communique View Post
    A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part. That being said, it's a "dealbreaker" in the sense that the cheating itself is so disrespectful and distrustful to the point of the relationship being irreparable, no matter how long they try to drag it along and "make it work".

    I've never had a girl cheat on me, but if I did I'd mark it up as a failure on my part, end the relationship and move on. I wouldn't be mad at the guy she cheated with either, unless it was one of my friends.
    that's a very "female" attitude and one that shows a complete lack of self-esteem.
    my 1st wife cheated on me. was it in anyway my fault? no. well, unless i want to blame myself for choosing such a trashy woman to begin with. but i personally did nothing to "make her cheat".
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Catz Part Deux View Post
    It's basically up to the couple to define terms. There is no ring on my finger, but I'm pretty sure that if I slept with another man, or if he slept with another woman, it would kill our relationship, because it would be a violation of the terms of our relationship. We aren't married, but we have both committed verbally to be monogamous.
    I sincerely doubt the average couple has the formal sit-down to define terms and conditions as you claim.

    These are assumptions based on culture, 'common-sense' premises, which people typically take for granted.

    And yeah, anything you choose can kill your relationship, those are your personal preferences and that's fine; but that doesn't mean your significant other broke some rule. Simply going against your preferences isn't cheating even if it makes you walk away.

    So yes it's up to the couple to design the terms, but that doesn't mean they do. A lot is simply assumed, and you know what happens when you assume....
    Last edited by Jerry; 06-24-11 at 04:12 PM.

  5. #105
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry View Post
    Basically, if there's no ring of some kind on your finger, even if it's a 'friendship' ring I've seen on long-term gf's, then there are no rules. Since cheating is braking a rule to gain an advantage, if there are no rules, no act can be cheating.
    What? Why? What makes that ring so special? It's just a ring. The rules are whatever the couple decide they are. Those rules are not made any more or less important by the presence or absence of a piece of metal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Khayembii Communique View Post
    A woman cheating in a relationship is due to a failure on the man's part.
    This doesn't make any sense. So it's the man's fault that the woman is too immature to communicate her needs, and too selfish to hold up her end of the relationship?

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by MistressNomad View Post
    What? Why? What makes that ring so special? It's just a ring. The rules are whatever the couple decide they are. Those rules are not made any more or less important by the presence or absence of a piece of metal.
    You're assuming they made rules in the first place.

    If they just decide to start dating, it's casual, no obligation, no commitment, it's just getting to know each-other. If you're seeing someone and they're also seeing other people, so what? Who are you to complain about their personal life? It's their choice. That's so arrogant of you to assume that you will be the only one. Nothing makes you special unless he thinks so. That's not something you have any right to force on him.

    Now, if he's made some level of commitment to you, then there are rules. But just seeing someone a few times you met online or a friend hooked you up with, not so much. It's ok to go on dates with a few different people at the same time. That doesn't make you a slut or him a player.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Nothing was as important to me as my wife was for over 30 years, and consequently nothing ever hurt as much finding that she had been betraying me. It was 10 years ago and it still hurts every day.

    I can't even be around people who lie, cheat, and steal, or those who condone it.

  8. #108
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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry View Post
    You're assuming they made rules in the first place.

    If they just decide to start dating, it's casual, no obligation, no commitment, it's just getting to know each-other. If you're seeing someone and they're also seeing other people, so what? Who are you to complain about their personal life? It's their choice. That's so arrogant of you to assume that you will be the only one. Nothing makes you special unless he thinks so. That's not something you have any right to force on him.

    Now, if he's made some level of commitment to you, then there are rules. But just seeing someone a few times you met online or a friend hooked you up with, not so much. It's ok to go on dates with a few different people at the same time. That doesn't make you a slut or him a player.
    This is an issue of couples not talking about things. I agree it's an issue, and a lot of couple don't talk about things they should.

    I make my stance very clear in relationships, and conversations about rules we can both agree on are mandatory with me. I'm not going to blindly guess, nor leave my partner to blindly guess, and I'm not going to make assumptions.

    I do this having never been married, and with no intent of ever getting married.

    This is simply the fact that people tend to handle their relationships immaturely. It has nothing to do with the piece of metal. The piece of metal is just a stand-in for the conversation they should have had ages ago.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by MistressNomad View Post
    This is an issue of couples not talking about things. I agree it's an issue, and a lot of couple don't talk about things they should.

    I make my stance very clear in relationships, and conversations about rules we can both agree on are mandatory with me. I'm not going to blindly guess, nor leave my partner to blindly guess, and I'm not going to make assumptions.

    I do this having never been married, and with no intent of ever getting married.

    This is simply the fact that people tend to handle their relationships immaturely. It has nothing to do with the piece of metal. The piece of metal is just a stand-in for the conversation they should have had ages ago.
    I completely agree.

    What gets me is when they don't communicate and then one finds out the other is seeing other people and accuses them of cheating.

    Well, no, if there was no clear obligation to be monogamous or any level of real commitment, then it's not cheating.

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    Re: Is an affair a dealbreaker

    Quote Originally Posted by Councilman View Post
    Nothing was as important to me as my wife was for over 30 years, and consequently nothing ever hurt as much finding that she had been betraying me. It was 10 years ago and it still hurts every day.

    I can't even be around people who lie, cheat, and steal, or those who condone it.
    I'm really sorry that you experienced it. Being cheated on hurts to an unbelievable degree, and on some level, it still hurts me, too. I think the thing that makes me angriest is that the cheater (my ex-husband) has gone blithely on, leaving a wide swath of destruction in his path, while I've had to completely rebuild my entire life out of ruins, and had to learn how to trust all over again (not easy, not at all).

    I've let go of a lot of my feelings about him, but I will never forgive him for what he did.

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