• This is a political forum that is non-biased/non-partisan and treats every person's position on topics equally. This debate forum is not aligned to any political party. In today's politics, many ideas are split between and even within all the political parties. Often we find ourselves agreeing on one platform but some topics break our mold. We are here to discuss them in a civil political debate. If this is your first visit to our political forums, be sure to check out the RULES. Registering for debate politics is necessary before posting. Register today to participate - it's free!
  • Welcome to our archives. No new posts are allowed here.

Why are we all being such "Lone Wolves" when it comes to making friends?

RetiredNSmilin

Banned
DP Veteran
Joined
Jul 13, 2015
Messages
4,242
Reaction score
1,985
Location
East Texas
Gender
Male
Political Leaning
Independent
When I had just moved to a large city, I thought it might be nice to start a meet up group to just meet once a week and talk, discuss things, and also help each other with issues and small things like a dead battery or need help moving a couch. I called in the " Chain Link Group of Friends" where each of us would be a link in the chain.

OK, I start it going, had 12 people sign up, and set a date for our first meeting at my place.

I got some munchies and had 8 of the 12 show up. 7 women and 1 man.

The meeting went well and was eye opening for me, because I did not see things the way these women did, and it was an education. To me a dead battery is a pain in the ass and an inconvenience, but to women it could be life threatening depending on where and the time of day. I had never thought about that. So for the next meeting I was planning on some basic car care tips and tricks to fix that.

We all say bye, and agree to meet again in two weeks back at my place.

NOPE. Absolutely ZERO people had any interest in being "friends" with anyone else, and they all only wanted to know what they could get out of the deal rather than showing what they could offer the group. Everyone preferred to be isolated and be a lone wolf rather than have friends they could depend on.

It kinda shook my faith in human nature.

OK, so what is the deal? Why do we as a society prefer to stick it out alone rather than extend ourselves to a group?

I think that alone is a serious indicator at how we are declining as a society. We all seem to only want what we can get out of it, and that is all.

That's not good.

Any suggestions as to how we as a society can become more giving of ourselves, and less selfish?

NOTE: One "member" was a bot, and another was a completely neurotic 20-something young lady that never got past the first interview. She had just got back from Alaska where she went to be with a shaman and his wife for spiritual growth and was shocked when he tried to have sex with her. Ya think? The rest were fairly mature people in their 30's to 50's.
 
Last edited:
Were you trying to organize this group from online or within your neighborhood or what?
 
Were you trying to organize this group from online or within your neighborhood or what?

My apologies, I was not clear, sorry.

I used the MEET UP website to organize the group.
 
Our culture is changing.... and there are many reasons why...

We don't owe society anything anymore, an ***hole can be an ***hole and he will doing completely fine living in his moms basement. We are not reliant on our community, we are not as reliant on our reputation.

In the past, if you did not bring value to peoples lives.... you would not survive for very long.

Technology and the State has been the main contributors to our growing indifference to our community and the people that live around us. The State provides people more than it ever has before, people don't have to contribute to society they can just sit on a bloated government job or sit on their welfare checks. We are now entitled to things that in the past we had to earn, we had to earn peoples charity. Just as long as you get your resources, you don't need to give a **** about anyone...

Technology further encourages the lack of need for interpersonal relationships, you can do everything at a distance, nothing has to be personal, we are protected from confrontation, protected from having to talk to strangers, protected from the outside world in general.

I think these are the harsh truths of the future...
 
You know, celticwar17, I really, really wish I could answer you with an intelligent and organized reply, but I can't.

I can't because I think you are completely correct.

Living out in BFE, nowadays, is no big deal as long as you have an internet connection. I think people are loosing their interpersonal skills.

One company I worked for hired this pretty young girl to answer the phones. She did not last a day. ZERO personal skills. She had no idea how to talk to clients, then when it got slow she used the company computer to play games and goof around on social media.

As for more mature people wanting to slide back in their shells, I think it might be the fact so many more people are ACTING on their crazy thoughts now than ever before.

How many people in San Bernadino now feel like NEVER AGAIN showing up for a company party.
 
So for the next meeting I was planning on some basic car care tips and tricks to fix that.

:lol:

This will be a sure-fire hit. I don't see how you can walk away without at least ten close friends after this next...uh...'meeting'.
 
:lol:

This will be a sure-fire hit. I don't see how you can walk away without at least ten close friends after this next...uh...'meeting'.

These women had very legitimate concerns about what to do if their cars did not start.

How is showing them some tricks to get it going, a bad thing in your eyes?
 
These women had very legitimate concerns about what to do if their cars did not start.

How is showing them some tricks to get it going, a bad thing in your eyes?

I never said it was a bad thing.

Holding 'meetings' and inviting people over to give them "car maintenance tips" is a strange approach to trying to make friends. Do something fun. Get everybody drunk and go play mini-golf or something.
 
I never said it was a bad thing.

Holding 'meetings' and inviting people over to give them "car maintenance tips" is a strange approach to trying to make friends. Do something fun. Get everybody drunk and go play mini-golf or something.

The limitations of text-only communication...my apologies. I thought you were being sarcastic.

It was the women who wanted to know about it, so I was just providing them what they asked for. They thought it would be a good idea.

anyway, the whole thing was a bust. Everyone seems to be just too busy to want to be a friend anyway.

I think the only way anyone would actually show up is if I handed out $100 bills, and even then it would be only to get the bills and leave.

People in American now, just don't seem to want to spend the time to be social anymore.
 
We all say bye, and agree to meet again in two weeks back at my place.

NOPE. Absolutely ZERO people had any interest in being "friends" with anyone else, and they all only wanted to know what they could get out of the deal rather than showing what they could offer the group. Everyone preferred to be isolated and be a lone wolf rather than have friends they could depend on.

It kinda shook my faith in human nature.

OK, so what is the deal? Why do we as a society prefer to stick it out alone rather than extend ourselves to a group?


I would hazard a guess that one or more of your guests didn't "mesh" with the others.

That, plus the fact that friendships should be free and fun and not based on obligation, likely undermined your plans. Don't get me wrong, I think you did a nice thing, but you wanted feedback from "lone wolves" so I'm trying to help.

I run a business and I've been on many committees, boards, groups, all of which I eventually quit because one or two people were pushy and wanted to invade my private space. Although I'm not retired - got quite a few years to go - I finally pulled away from most of those groups, despite the warnings that it would hurt my "business." I built a home in the country where solitude rules the day. I (as kindly as possible) got rid of all my "friends" and I'm happier than ever with my immediate family and my dogs. It's positively wonderful.

I just don't think we're all react the same to the same social stimulus. I don't dislike any of my former friends, on the contrary, I have warm feelings toward them. I'm just not interested in block parties, BBQs and other social events anymore. I never really was, but I thought I was supposed to feel that way - so I went along to get along.

I think that alone is a serious indicator at how we are declining as a society. We all seem to only want what we can get out of it, and that is all.

That's not good.

Any suggestions as to how we as a society can become more giving of ourselves, and less selfish?

On the contrary - I think not only is it normal, I think it's essential that we become comfortable living with ourselves. That doesn't mean I don't give of myself. I actually do a lot of charitable work. Last year I received a community "Lifetime Philanthropist" award for my donations and volunteer work in building Habitat for Humanity homes and for organizing an emergency response group that responds quickly when natural disasters strike in my, or nearby states. Our group is all volunteers and we have more than 200 people involved now from nearby communities. We work with local law enforcement to coordinate SAR (search and rescue), emergency food and clothing, and demolition and reconstruction. I rarely attend a board meeting anymore, but I started the group. If I do attend, like I did last week at their Christmas Party, I say my "hellos" and duck out early.

NOTE: One "member" was a bot, and another was a completely neurotic 20-something young lady that never got past the first interview. She had just got back from Alaska where she went to be with a shaman and his wife for spiritual growth and was shocked when he tried to have sex with her. Ya think? The rest were fairly mature people in their 30's to 50's.

Well, there you go -- you actually interviewed potential "friends." That's extremely controlling. And, you're very quick to pass judgement on who is a "bot" and who is "neurotic."

My advice - relax. Go to community events, join local committees, volunteer at the Food Bank, deliver Meals on Wheels. But, don't try to force your idea of friendship on others. No offense here - but you're the type of guy that I avoid like the plague. First, I never would have been on a "meet" site. Second, I would never allow anyone to "interview" me for a friendship group. That's a red flag right there. Don't expect others to agree with your definition of being friendly. Some need many friends, some (like me) need virtually none. Respect the choices of others and drop the judgement because they disagreed with you.

I wish you luck in achieving what makes you happy.
 
When I had just moved to a large city, I thought it might be nice to start a meet up group to just meet once a week and talk, discuss things, and also help each other with issues and small things like a dead battery or need help moving a couch.

<edit for brevity>
I think the problem with your group was that it was an organized group, rather than natural made friendships.

Similar to the way we participate in other groups like work, school, parish, volunteer, etc. In those groups we participate due to the activity, but we only reach-out and befriend a subset of those we participate with.

Just like love, friendship can't be forced.

As an aside: I had an unexpected boon in new friendships and social opportunities when I started taking my dogs to some of my city's dog parks!

Yowsa! Dog people are friendly!

If I were single in the big-city & feeling isolated, I'd get a dog and start hanging with other dog owners!
 
When I had just moved to a large city, I thought it might be nice to start a meet up group to just meet once a week and talk, discuss things, and also help each other with issues and small things like a dead battery or need help moving a couch. I called in the " Chain Link Group of Friends" where each of us would be a link in the chain.

OK, I start it going, had 12 people sign up, and set a date for our first meeting at my place.

I got some munchies and had 8 of the 12 show up. 7 women and 1 man.

The meeting went well and was eye opening for me, because I did not see things the way these women did, and it was an education. To me a dead battery is a pain in the ass and an inconvenience, but to women it could be life threatening depending on where and the time of day. I had never thought about that. So for the next meeting I was planning on some basic car care tips and tricks to fix that.

We all say bye, and agree to meet again in two weeks back at my place.

NOPE. Absolutely ZERO people had any interest in being "friends" with anyone else, and they all only wanted to know what they could get out of the deal rather than showing what they could offer the group. Everyone preferred to be isolated and be a lone wolf rather than have friends they could depend on.

It kinda shook my faith in human nature.

OK, so what is the deal? Why do we as a society prefer to stick it out alone rather than extend ourselves to a group?

I think that alone is a serious indicator at how we are declining as a society. We all seem to only want what we can get out of it, and that is all.

That's not good.

Any suggestions as to how we as a society can become more giving of ourselves, and less selfish?

NOTE: One "member" was a bot, and another was a completely neurotic 20-something young lady that never got past the first interview. She had just got back from Alaska where she went to be with a shaman and his wife for spiritual growth and was shocked when he tried to have sex with her. Ya think? The rest were fairly mature people in their 30's to 50's.

For some of us, being alone is not a burden, there is no massive void or silence that I feel the need to fill. Sure, I can deal with company but I don't feel I'm missing something if I not surrounded by people.

For me, and my independent streak the internet is a boon, if I want to find out how to do something I go to YouTube, there is practically nothing that has challenged me in recent years that I have not been able to figure out. The internet has narrowed the knowledge gap that many businesses traded upon in the past.
 
I think the problem with your group was that it was an organized group, rather than natural made friendships.

Similar to the way we participate in other groups like work, school, parish, volunteer, etc. In those groups we participate due to the activity, but we only reach-out and befriend a subset of those we participate with.

Just like love, friendship can't be forced.

As an aside: I had an unexpected boon in new friendships and social opportunities when I started taking my dogs to some of my city's dog parks!

Yowsa! Dog people are friendly!

If I were single in the big-city & feeling isolated, I'd get a dog and start hanging with other dog owners!

That makes more sense. Find something a group of people may have in common, not just people looking for friends, but a common interest to start a bond then grow from there. If I joined a group that was just looking for friends it might be awkward and weird to start conversation but if I joined a group that loved playing cards, that's already an ice breaker right there.
 
Our culture is changing.... and there are many reasons why...

We don't owe society anything anymore, an ***hole can be an ***hole and he will doing completely fine living in his moms basement. We are not reliant on our community, we are not as reliant on our reputation.

In the past, if you did not bring value to peoples lives.... you would not survive for very long.

Technology and the State has been the main contributors to our growing indifference to our community and the people that live around us. The State provides people more than it ever has before, people don't have to contribute to society they can just sit on a bloated government job or sit on their welfare checks. We are now entitled to things that in the past we had to earn, we had to earn peoples charity. Just as long as you get your resources, you don't need to give a **** about anyone...

Technology further encourages the lack of need for interpersonal relationships, you can do everything at a distance, nothing has to be personal, we are protected from confrontation, protected from having to talk to strangers, protected from the outside world in general.

I think these are the harsh truths of the future...

Couldn't agree more, you nailed it
 
For some of us, being alone is not a burden, there is no massive void or silence that I feel the need to fill. Sure, I can deal with company but I don't feel I'm missing something if I not surrounded by people.

For me, and my independent streak the internet is a boon, if I want to find out how to do something I go to YouTube, there is practically nothing that has challenged me in recent years that I have not been able to figure out. The internet has narrowed the knowledge gap that many businesses traded upon in the past.

You are correct. The the that has suffered though is social skills. A lot of people lack it.
 
Aziz Ansari has a great segment on this about how we live in the least isolated society, and that makes face to face interaction less valuable.

 
I would hazard a guess that one or more of your guests didn't "mesh" with the others.

That, plus the fact that friendships should be free and fun and not based on obligation, likely undermined your plans. Don't get me wrong, I think you did a nice thing, but you wanted feedback from "lone wolves" so I'm trying to help.

I run a business and I've been on many committees, boards, groups, all of which I eventually quit because one or two people were pushy and wanted to invade my private space. Although I'm not retired - got quite a few years to go - I finally pulled away from most of those groups, despite the warnings that it would hurt my "business." I built a home in the country where solitude rules the day. I (as kindly as possible) got rid of all my "friends" and I'm happier than ever with my immediate family and my dogs. It's positively wonderful.

I just don't think we're all react the same to the same social stimulus. I don't dislike any of my former friends, on the contrary, I have warm feelings toward them. I'm just not interested in block parties, BBQs and other social events anymore. I never really was, but I thought I was supposed to feel that way - so I went along to get along.



On the contrary - I think not only is it normal, I think it's essential that we become comfortable living with ourselves. That doesn't mean I don't give of myself. I actually do a lot of charitable work. Last year I received a community "Lifetime Philanthropist" award for my donations and volunteer work in building Habitat for Humanity homes and for organizing an emergency response group that responds quickly when natural disasters strike in my, or nearby states. Our group is all volunteers and we have more than 200 people involved now from nearby communities. We work with local law enforcement to coordinate SAR (search and rescue), emergency food and clothing, and demolition and reconstruction. I rarely attend a board meeting anymore, but I started the group. If I do attend, like I did last week at their Christmas Party, I say my "hellos" and duck out early.



Well, there you go -- you actually interviewed potential "friends." That's extremely controlling. And, you're very quick to pass judgement on who is a "bot" and who is "neurotic."

My advice - relax. Go to community events, join local committees, volunteer at the Food Bank, deliver Meals on Wheels. But, don't try to force your idea of friendship on others. No offense here - but you're the type of guy that I avoid like the plague. First, I never would have been on a "meet" site. Second, I would never allow anyone to "interview" me for a friendship group. That's a red flag right there. Don't expect others to agree with your definition of being friendly. Some need many friends, some (like me) need virtually none. Respect the choices of others and drop the judgement because they disagreed with you.

I wish you luck in achieving what makes you happy.

You know, Howard, I think your post was a bit prophetic. Just this evening I talked with my wife about me volunteering for Meals On Wheels. I have been to almost all the states in the union, and 27 countries so far, and love talking and sharing with others. I think I might be able to identify with whatever they are talking about when I bring them their food.

I saw an ad on TV and thought, "Why not".
 
That makes more sense. Find something a group of people may have in common, not just people looking for friends, but a common interest to start a bond then grow from there. If I joined a group that was just looking for friends it might be awkward and weird to start conversation but if I joined a group that loved playing cards, that's already an ice breaker right there.

SCRABBLE it is!

I have one of those really huge rotating boards.
 
When I had just moved to a large city, I thought it might be nice to start a meet up group to just meet once a week and talk, discuss things, and also help each other with issues and small things like a dead battery or need help moving a couch. I called in the " Chain Link Group of Friends" where each of us would be a link in the chain.

OK, I start it going, had 12 people sign up, and set a date for our first meeting at my place.

I got some munchies and had 8 of the 12 show up. 7 women and 1 man.

The meeting went well and was eye opening for me, because I did not see things the way these women did, and it was an education. To me a dead battery is a pain in the ass and an inconvenience, but to women it could be life threatening depending on where and the time of day. I had never thought about that. So for the next meeting I was planning on some basic car care tips and tricks to fix that.

We all say bye, and agree to meet again in two weeks back at my place.

NOPE. Absolutely ZERO people had any interest in being "friends" with anyone else, and they all only wanted to know what they could get out of the deal rather than showing what they could offer the group. Everyone preferred to be isolated and be a lone wolf rather than have friends they could depend on.

It kinda shook my faith in human nature.

OK, so what is the deal? Why do we as a society prefer to stick it out alone rather than extend ourselves to a group?

I think that alone is a serious indicator at how we are declining as a society. We all seem to only want what we can get out of it, and that is all.

That's not good.

Any suggestions as to how we as a society can become more giving of ourselves, and less selfish?

NOTE: One "member" was a bot, and another was a completely neurotic 20-something young lady that never got past the first interview. She had just got back from Alaska where she went to be with a shaman and his wife for spiritual growth and was shocked when he tried to have sex with her. Ya think? The rest were fairly mature people in their 30's to 50's.

I don't think this says anything about society. Eight people showing up is a fairly big accomplishment. The fact they didn't return points to something being wrong with the meeting itself. They didn't get what they were after and didn't find the meeting worth to be worth their time. So, they didn't return.

The fact remains that they did carve out time from their busy schedules to give this a shot. You just didn't deliver.
 
You know, Howard, I think your post was a bit prophetic. Just this evening I talked with my wife about me volunteering for Meals On Wheels. I have been to almost all the states in the union, and 27 countries so far, and love talking and sharing with others. I think I might be able to identify with whatever they are talking about when I bring them their food.

I saw an ad on TV and thought, "Why not".

I think that's a good decision. Since you are the type of person who enjoys helping others, you will find yourself around other like-minded individuals. You have a lot to give and there are many out there just like you...also waiting to meet new friends. Just be easy about it. Have a good time and you will attract the very sort of people you are looking for.
 
people don't care about friendships ,they usually want to spend time with the others when they need those people!
 
The limitations of text-only communication...my apologies. I thought you were being sarcastic.

It was the women who wanted to know about it, so I was just providing them what they asked for. They thought it would be a good idea.


anyway, the whole thing was a bust. Everyone seems to be just too busy to want to be a friend anyway.

I think the only way anyone would actually show up is if I handed out $100 bills, and even then it would be only to get the bills and leave.

People in American now, just don't seem to want to spend the time to be social anymore.

See, that right there is your problem.

Those women didn't want you to actually fix their problem, they just wanted a venue to vent their frustrations about not being able to start their car to make it to their massage because they had to wait for the tow truck driver, but it totally turned out ok because the tow truck driver was kinda hot.

So organize a mini-golf outing and arrange for drinks.


EDIT : Random people don't really want to meet at another rando's house for tips on fixing a dead battery. If you're not throwing a party, then arrange an outing to somewhere.
 
Back
Top Bottom