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Do unhappy spouses have an obligation to not divorce once kids are born?

Do spouses have a obligation to stay married if there are kids, bar major problems.

  • Yes. Forcing someone to become a single parent is so unfair.

    Votes: 2 9.5%
  • No. Everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness regadles of previous commitments.

    Votes: 9 42.9%
  • Other. Explain

    Votes: 10 47.6%

  • Total voters
    21
I can't imagine anything worse than pulling the whole load while the other partner self-indulges or exercises destructive behavior. If there are no kids involved, the decision to leave is relatively easy. However, when children are involved, it is so much harder to make that choice.

Making it all worse, at some point staying with such a partner is simply enabling that behavior. It also convey the wrong message to the child. The kid grows up to believe codependent relationships are normal. So, stay for the sake of the kids or leave for their (and your own) sake...neither choice is a good one.

You basically posted exactly what I was thinking when it comes to modeling that behavior for the children in the relationship. I can't imagine children growing up well with a message that one parent can self indulge in something, whether it is being lazy or doing something selfdestructive while the other parent is basically doing all the work or a good portion of it. What sort of message does that give to children raised in that situation?

It seems that the best option for the children would likely be to go with the parent who is actually putting in the effort, but even that might not be such an easy decision or even something that is allowed to happen given our court system (which is why I really wish that stuff could be taken into account more often in divorces and particularly child custody).

Reality is just not black and white as some are trying to ascribe it to be. There are so many different situations, and then many different aspects to all those situations.
 
You basically posted exactly what I was thinking when it comes to modeling that behavior for the children in the relationship. I can't imagine children growing up well with a message that one parent can self indulge in something, whether it is being lazy or doing something selfdestructive while the other parent is basically doing all the work or a good portion of it. What sort of message does that give to children raised in that situation?
It is ugly. One of my sister-in-laws left a self-indulgent ass a few years ago. Her son never forgave her for it. He loves his dad even though his dad is drug addled, has been arrested for abusing his new gf, is chronically unemployed and promises the kid the moon but doesn't even deliver a pizza on his birthday. None of that matters. "Dad is the greatest; mom is a bitch for leaving him."

We can only hope the kid comes to his senses when he gets older.

It seems that the best option for the children would likely be to go with the parent who is actually putting in the effort, but even that might not be such an easy decision or even something that is allowed to happen given our court system (which is why I really wish that stuff could be taken into account more often in divorces and particularly child custody).
It gets so difficult. Take sis for an example. Since she is now on her own, she must work a lot. She must also try to discipline the kid.

Deadbeat dad is just fun time. He doesn't work. So he is always available, but he doesn't parent. He just lets the kid play video games or watch TV/play on the computer, while he gets high or whatever. The mom has tried to keep the kid away from the druggie dad, but so far no luck on that end.

Reality is just not black and white as some are trying to ascribe it to be. There are so many different situations, and then many different aspects to all those situations.
In the example discussed above, I do know of one failure made by the mother. She sheltered her kid from dad's bad behavior. So, the boy never really knew the horrible situation the dad put the family in. She says he would not have understood. She may be right.

Recently, the kid has begun to see his dad's behavior as off the hook. But, it may be too little too late.
 
It is ugly. One of my sister-in-laws left a self-indulgent ass a few years ago. Her son never forgave her for it. He loves his dad even though his dad is drug addled, has been arrested for abusing his new gf, is chronically unemployed and promises the kid the moon but doesn't even deliver a pizza on his birthday. None of that matters. "Dad is the greatest; mom is a bitch for leaving him."

We can only hope the kid comes to his senses when he gets older.

It gets so difficult. Take sis for an example. Since she is now on her own, she must work a lot. She must also try to discipline the kid.

Deadbeat dad is just fun time. He doesn't work. So he is always available, but he doesn't parent. He just lets the kid play video games or watch TV/play on the computer, while he gets high or whatever. The mom has tried to keep the kid away from the druggie dad, but so far no luck on that end.

In the example discussed above, I do know of one failure made by the mother. She sheltered her kid from dad's bad behavior. So, the boy never really knew the horrible situation the dad put the family in. She says he would not have understood. She may be right.

Recently, the kid has begun to see his dad's behavior as off the hook. But, it may be too little too late.

I know it can be bad to look at movies for evidence of such things, but one of my favorite movies has been for a while Parenthood (which has recently been made into a TV series). That is just such a good general view of some different family types, even within a single extended family. One of my favorite characters is the divorced mom (the same mom from Lost Boys) with the teen daughter and teen son, and the son idolized his dad, even though his dad really figured he (the dad) had moved on, had a whole new family and wanted nothing to do with his old family. The mom just couldn't get through to him. It took his dad basically refusing to get him, to let him stay for him to realize the father was a douchebag.

Instead of sitting in judgement of parents who divorce, who are single parents or even parents sharing custody, we need to try to help them, help their families, help the children better understand their parents.
 
You're talking about single parents, which isn't necessarily divorced parents. There is a difference. It also likely is one parent not in the child's life or in it so infrequently that it is a disruption rather than a help. Those are issues all in themselves.

Good points.

My observation is ib the case where parents were once married and become divorced, over time the non-custodial parent becomes increasingly detached emotionally from their child. Parents, especially fathers, seem to have less of a struggle being the parents they should be if under the same roof.

None of this however addresses the unfairness to the parent not seeking the divorce now being made to be a single parent or at best an alternating solo parent. Parenthood is done best as a team. As I mentioned earlier, many if not most people would never intentionally pursue parenthood if they thought their other team member would eventually quit the team and at best participate separately on a revolving schedule. Human beings are going to have flaws and imperfections. This is why marital vows address this by committing to remain together for life despite our shortcomings and the challenges of life so that each partner can be assured they will never have to go it alone come what may. It seems like what a lot of people actually mean by "for better or for worse" is "as long as I feel like being with you."

Sorry if I'm being harsh. As I mentioned earlier, I have a friend who is like a sister to me, just get divorced. Husband left her because "she wasn't making him happy." Now she has to raise their son as a solo-parent on a revolving schedule. Being a married parent is a tremendous challenge all by itself. Then add the grim reality that fewer men will ever be interested in a woman with kids from a previous marriage.
 
Good points.

My observation is ib the case where parents were once married and become divorced, over time the non-custodial parent becomes increasingly detached emotionally from their child. Parents, especially fathers, seem to have less of a struggle being the parents they should be if under the same roof.

None of this however addresses the unfairness to the parent not seeking the divorce now being made to be a single parent or at best an alternating solo parent. Parenthood is done best as a team. As I mentioned earlier, many if not most people would never intentionally pursue parenthood if they thought their other team member would eventually quit the team and at best participate separately on a revolving schedule. Human beings are going to have flaws and imperfections. This is why marital vows address this by committing to remain together for life despite our shortcomings and the challenges of life so that each partner can be assured they will never have to go it alone come what may. It seems like what a lot of people actually mean by "for better or for worse" is "as long as I feel like being with you."

Sorry if I'm being harsh. As I mentioned earlier, I have a friend who is like a sister to me, just get divorced. Husband left her because "she wasn't making him happy." Now she has to raise their son as a solo-parent on a revolving schedule. Being a married parent is a tremendous challenge all by itself. Then add the grim reality that fewer men will ever be interested in a woman with kids from a previous marriage.

Sure, most of the time, parenthood works best as a team, if the parents are willing to work toward the same that goal together. Not all are. Some have vastly different ideas of how the child should be raised (Tom Cruise and any woman he has kids with, Katie or Nicole Kidman, so far anyway). Some there is an imbalance in power or effort. The person seeking the divorce may be the one putting in most if not all the effort in either parenting or the relationship.

Marital vows don't address human changes though. They don't address really many parts of humanity. They are more an expectation to many than anything else.

As for the single parent, sure it might be unfair in some ways to them, but that isn't something that can be helped sometimes.
 
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