Without you even realizing it, could it be perhaps you are in need of spirituality? But you're manifesting that need in a different way? Just like a child who behaves badly just to get attention?
If you do not believe in God....or in religion....why are you drawn to it? Not only drawn to it, mind you....but you go to such length to try to prove it wrong. Methinks you are doing this in your feeble attempt to bolster your belief, and for self-reassurance: that you are right in believing there is no God.
God must be calling out to you, but you resist. I hope - for your own good - God tackles you as you kick and scream, the same way He did CS Lewis.
“You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England.
I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms. The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape?
The words “compelle intrare,” compel them to come in, have been so abused be wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation.”
― C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy
