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Military Humor - And a lot of truth

Risky Thicket

Risky Thicket

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Mostly all you ever heard from you father and uncles and friends who were veterans were war stories. They'd be sitting around talking and having a drink and the war stories would start. Usually the tales were funny and as the liquor flowed the stories became wilder and funnier. There's the old saying: "What's the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? A fairy tale starts with 'Once upon a time' and a war story starts with 'This ain't no bull****.'"

Hell, it all sounded fun to me. I couldn't wait to graduate from high school and sign up. Later, I figured out that the reason old vets always talked about the funny things that happened is that they didn't much want to be reminded of a lot of the things they didn't enjoy.

Once when I had KP in basic I was giving a break to use the latrine. As it happened there were 2 civilian painting the latrine. The asked me how I like basic training. I told them I had gotten my ass chewed earlier by a black E-6 because I had run out of brown bread on the line (my job was handing out bread). The E-6 went ballistic and accused me of being a racist because all I had was white bread. He of course knew I couldn't leave the line without getting my ass chewed by a mess sergeant. All part of the game. I didn't know that at the time.

The 2 civilians laughed and said, "This is just the beginning. You'll have a lot of good stories to tell and laugh about for the rest of your life." I told them they were full of ****. I'd probably never laugh again even after I got discharged.

Me now telling the story and laughing.

Here's a good one from a site called Quora.com. People post questions about anything and people with experience post responses.

"What is it like being a second lieutenant in the U.S. Army?"
It is really easy to be a butter-bar in the Army. There is all sorts of cool **** to do. First, you get to see guns. Guns are cool. Second, you get to tell people what to do. You can tell an E-7 who has been in the Army since you were born to load ammo, and he will tell you to load it up your ass. Since you don't like that, you will report him to the commander, and she will tell you to load ammo up your ass, and remind you to never disrespect her NCO's like that again. Next, you get to shut the **** up. No matter what you say you will be told to shut the **** up. There is a reason for this. Everything you say is wrong. Then some asshole will hand you a compass. Then seven guys who you thought didn't even like you will find you in the middle of the woods huddling for warmth by a tree. They still don't like you, but George Patton was a 2nd lt. once too. We find our own, and an acorn has more growth potential than the mightiest tree in the forest. Next, you learn to listen. You learn that the men and women around you are all you got, and if a plan is going to fail, you might want to let them in on it. Next you learn that leadership is a responsibility, not a privilege, and no matter how bad you want to win, the only thing you will remember are the ones you lost because of your ambition. It is as easy to be a second lieutenant as it is to be a cadet or a candidate. You are starting from the bottom and nobody will fault you for your inexperience. You have the experience of old leaders on which to rely.


Remember three simple rules-


1. Shut the **** up.


2. Do what the Staff Sergeant says.



3. Agree with the best plan and never make one alone.
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Funny, but more true than bull****.




 
My favorite military humor site: Skippy's List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army - Skippy's List

A brief excert from the start of the list:

Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

A quick note:
I don’t mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in it’s entirety.

Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)

To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.

The 213 Things….

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
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That's a great bit!

I was Air Force but spent a good bit of time working with the Army. One of those occasions was at Ft Carson because they had a jail on post and we had a few AF personnel that needed incarceration. The commander of the IDF (Interdepartmental Detention Facility or something like that) was a 1st Lt who had just recently got his silver bar. The Post SGM liked to swing by from time to time and "borrow" a few of our inmates for weeds and seeds detail. What he didn't like, apparently, was making sure that the inmates didn't fraternize with spouses, girlfriends or other lady folk on post. Once day the SGM came in and the Lt called him into the office. I had a pretty good idea of what the conversation was going to be about and definitely did not envy the Lt for having to do his job.

After about 10 minutes the SGM came out of the office and he was quite obviously steaming. I'm not talking a little bit either, the man was PISSED. Shortly after he made his way out the door the Lt came out and wiped a little bead of sweat off his brow. I was just an E-4 at the time but made it a point to quietly let him know that he did the right thing and did it well. Junior officers definitely do have a rough time.
 
I've been out of the Army for 20 years but when I get together with my Army buddies all we do is laugh.

I just spent an hour on the phone with one of them yesterday and all we did was crack each other up.

I'm going shooting with two of them next week and I have no doubt it'll be exactly the same.

Best friends I'll ever have because despite having suffered together in the most God-awful situations we were laughing the whole time (okay, maybe not the whole time but the times someone was bitching and crying like a little girl with a skinned knee make for some of the funniest stories).
 
I grew up in a Navy world and was literally raised by a bunch of old Navy chiefs. I learned a lot.

O1-O3...

OIC

Your job is to be quiet, follow me around, and if I tell you something I want to hear 3 words...

Oh....I see.

Do that and you'll make O4.

Rules to live by....

-Chiefs ALWAYS take their coffee black.
-NEVER wash a Chiefs coffee cup.
-Learn pinochle and be able to take a hand when a Chief has to go to the head.

I also learned at a very early age how to loop 8mm projectors, mix drinks, where to find smokes, how to light cigars, and when the phone rings, the answer is ALWAYS "He just stepped out for a minute. Can I take a message?"

I joined the AF as a A1C with a Navy Chiefs mentality. Not a good mixture.
 
I saw a number of items on the list that sounded very familiar, but two stuck out because of the serious trouble that accompanied it...

Got in serious trouble for this one: The morgue is not for storing beer, especially in an alcohol free zone, and no, that does not mean that alcohol should be free in the zone.

Also, you can get in serious trouble for telling local guides that if anyone is hit on your patrol, that US military personnel will consume our fallen to absorb their life force, knowledge, and capabilities - serious trouble - stand to in front of the General Officer when you get back level of trouble.
 
Lutherf said:
That's a great bit!

I was Air Force but spent a good bit of time working with the Army. One of those occasions was at Ft Carson because they had a jail on post and we had a few AF personnel that needed incarceration. The commander of the IDF (Interdepartmental Detention Facility or something like that) was a 1st Lt who had just recently got his silver bar. The Post SGM liked to swing by from time to time and "borrow" a few of our inmates for weeds and seeds detail. What he didn't like, apparently, was making sure that the inmates didn't fraternize with spouses, girlfriends or other lady folk on post. Once day the SGM came in and the Lt called him into the office. I had a pretty good idea of what the conversation was going to be about and definitely did not envy the Lt for having to do his job.

After about 10 minutes the SGM came out of the office and he was quite obviously steaming. I'm not talking a little bit either, the man was PISSED. Shortly after he made his way out the door the Lt came out and wiped a little bead of sweat off his brow. I was just an E-4 at the time but made it a point to quietly let him know that he did the right thing and did it well. Junior officers definitely do have a rough time.
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Our 2nd trip into Saudi Arabia during the 1st GW, our C5 got grounded at Rammstein for 3 days. We were very salty when ewe finally got there and all a little grumpy. The Army was controlling the ramp at Dhahran and as we started to pile out of the plane a MSG was screaming at us to grab our gear and fall in. I walked up and told him "Relax man...we are in the AF." He started to go into freak out mode when our Chief walked up to him and said very sternly "Dont worry MSG...I got this". He then turned around to us and said...."Hey...fellas...when you get a second gather round!" I thought the MSGs head was literally going to explode.

Its a different world. I work with the Army today. After growing up Navy and 20 years in the AF...I wouldnt spend 2 years in the Army. Its ok for those that do...but not me.
 
Beaudreaux said:
I saw a number of items on the list that sounded very familiar, but two stuck out because of the serious trouble that accompanied it...

Got in serious trouble for this one: The morgue is not for storing beer, especially in an alcohol free zone, and no, that does not mean that alcohol should be free in the zone.

Also, you can get in serious trouble for telling local guides that if anyone is hit on your patrol, that US military personnel will consume our fallen to absorb their life force, knowledge, and capabilities - serious trouble - stand to in front of the General Officer when you get back level of trouble.
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The morgue is not for storing alcohol. The TS materials safe is for storing alcohol. ALWAYS deploy with three TS Safes...even when you only need 1.
 
VanceMack said:
The morgue is not for storing alcohol. The TS materials safe is for storing alcohol. ALWAYS deploy with three TS Safes...even when you only need 1.
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We used to take two Life Support Lockers on flight missions. They were treated like TS safes, always locked and the Crew Chief was the only one with "the key." Of course, we had the "key" to our locker and the crew chief knew what was in it. The dry ice was tough to hide if the mission went long though because it would start fogging up the place. We only used dry ice on short missions. We got it from the morgue when we picked up our alcohol.
 
VanceMack said:
Rules to live by....

-Chiefs ALWAYS take their coffee black.
-NEVER wash a Chiefs coffee cup.
-Learn pinochle and be able to take a hand when a Chief has to go to the head.

.
Click to expand...

Spades, not pinochle.
 
VanceMack said:
Our 2nd trip into Saudi Arabia during the 1st GW, our C5 got grounded at Rammstein for 3 days. We were very salty when ewe finally got there and all a little grumpy. The Army was controlling the ramp at Dhahran and as we started to pile out of the plane a MSG was screaming at us to grab our gear and fall in. I walked up and told him "Relax man...we are in the AF." He started to go into freak out mode when our Chief walked up to him and said very sternly "Dont worry MSG...I got this". He then turned around to us and said...."Hey...fellas...when you get a second gather round!" I thought the MSGs head was literally going to explode.

Its a different world. I work with the Army today. After growing up Navy and 20 years in the AF...I wouldnt spend 2 years in the Army. Its ok for those that do...but not me.
Click to expand...

AF and Army are definitely two different worlds but Army itself is two different worlds between being in the field and being on post. When I was in Honduras in '86 the Army was fantastic. They first set up a mess tent with steam tables and tried to serve B rations which are essentially aluminum foil trays with precooked food that just needs to be heated up. One of the first meals out was steak and onions but the steak was so tough I couldn't cut it with my bayonet. The Colonel S-3 for the task force sent word out and the next flight that came in had fresh chicken and beer. We had to rig up a grill for the chicken and drink the beer warm but it was like a little slice of heaven.
 
Lutherf said:
AF and Army are definitely two different worlds but Army itself is two different worlds between being in the field and being on post. When I was in Honduras in '86 the Army was fantastic. They first set up a mess tent with steam tables and tried to serve B rations which are essentially aluminum foil trays with precooked food that just needs to be heated up. One of the first meals out was steak and onions but the steak was so tough I couldn't cut it with my bayonet. The Colonel S-3 for the task force sent word out and the next flight that came in had fresh chicken and beer. We had to rig up a grill for the chicken and drink the beer warm but it was like a little slice of heaven.
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I was with the A-10s for many years. We did a lot of joint training with the Army. They would set up tents...we would hit the hotels.
 
Redress said:
Spades, not pinochle.
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Spades was our game too. Hearts on occasion.

From time to time I'd get some joker from the midwest trying to sneak in Euchre or Cribbage but we were generally successful in getting those guys reassigned to North Dakota.:lol:
 
Lutherf said:
Spades was our game too. Hearts on occasion.

From time to time I'd get some joker from the midwest trying to sneak in Euchre or Cribbage but we were generally successful in getting those guys reassigned to North Dakota.:lol:
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we played all three... spades, hearts and pinochle..... pinochle was pretty damned popular in the late 60's and 70's though.

we didn't say "Hearts" though... we called it " buddy****er" or " **** your brother".
 
Redress said:
Spades, not pinochle.
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Spades with us too.

And horseshoes for when it was nice out.

Spades and horseshoes made "hurry up and wait" something to look forward to.
 
Lutherf said:
Spades was our game too. Hearts on occasion.

From time to time I'd get some joker from the midwest trying to sneak in Euchre or Cribbage but we were generally successful in getting those guys reassigned to North Dakota.:lol:
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Yeah, we did hearts a lot too.

Isn't assignment to North Dakota cruel and unusual punishment?
 
It seems things aren't so different over here. (it's a bit dated, but you'll get the gist.

 
Euchre was our main card game.


What's the difference between a 2nd Lt and a Pv2? A promotion.
 
VanceMack said:
I was taught pinochle. Of course...that was back in the 60's and 70's.
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Single deck pinochle, right? Never played it again after the military. Oh but how we loved that game.

Now that video games are everywhere I doubt anyone plays it in the service.
 
Lutherf said:
Spades was our game too. Hearts on occasion.

From time to time I'd get some joker from the midwest trying to sneak in Euchre or Cribbage but we were generally successful in getting those guys reassigned to North Dakota.:lol:
Click to expand...

I learned to play Euchre at my first duty station. I had several good friends who were from Illinois. That's all they ever wanted to play.
 
Risky Thicket said:
I learned to play Euchre at my first duty station. I had several good friends who were from Illinois. That's all they ever wanted to play.
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Them and the Minnesotans....
 
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