Fortune Cookie Fortunes I'd Like To See

One morning, on a dare, sort of, I wrote some fortune cookie fortunes I'd like to see.

Most of them sucked .. but a few turned out to be worth a chuckle or two.

A friend of mine who's a professional commedian said that's pretty much par, that a lot of stuff he writes, on review, isn't funny enough, and that he's lucky to get 5% usable material from a creative session.

I showed these to some friends .. and they didn't go over well at all, as you'll see.

After talking with a friend of mine who does real improv with a comedy troupe, I realized that a number of these fortunes would each function better as the theme for an improv skit than being funny as a fortune in their own right.

After I wrote these, and endured the critics, I was done, and no longer have any desire to write comedy.

Try writing some of your own in this thread .. you've gotta be able to do better than me.

As a centrist, you’re less concerned about the size of a government than that the official who’s operating it really knows what he’s doing .. about which you’re strangely surprised how emphatically women agree with you.

Soon one evening your significant other will complain that you’re always such a grouch. Later that night you’ll have a strange dream about going ivory hunting in your nightclothes. How there’s a connection between these two events you’ll never know.

You’ll soon frequently find yourself caught between a rock and a hard place, causing you to question whether cliff-diving and spelunking was your best choice of a combo-sport.

Unlike the Somali Olympic team, you do know that sailing and shooting are two separate events.

Your mom will soon encourage you to change your taste in men, which will confuse you, as you always thought men came in only one flavor.

You will soon notice your dog has fleas, making you wonder if those newfangled body-wash products for men might be more than just a gimmick and worth a try.

One of your brighter teenagers will soon embarrass you at Wal-Mart by calling you “Aunt Mommy!” in front of the sales clerk, causing you to again wonder if marrying your brother was really such a hot idea.

You’ll soon have a profound realization that yesterday is never really over and tomorrow never really arrives, making you then wonder if calendar-makers aren’t just bilking the public.

Women find you to be a really terrific dancer. Unfortunately, they also find you to be a rather lousy digester.

You find the phrase “tongue-in-cheek” to be grossly disgusting.

You will soon become paranoid about shopping at Target after your conspiracy-theorist friend tells you how the store got its name.

You will soon feel a bit uneasy after a close friend in the military tells you that the slogan “Uncle Sam wants you!” was discontinued on the advent of “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

A friend will soon tell you that the man sitting at the end of the bar has a body part with your name on it. Considering your name has three syllables, you’ll imagine it might be hugely beneficial to politely walk over and offer to check his spelling.

You’ll be out shopping with your girlfriend next week when a man will tell her that her hair smells nice. This will really piss you off, and you’ll wonder if all midgets are as crude.

You’ll soon begin to notice that you have a hard time understanding people. In a seemingly unrelated event, you’ll purchase some new hearing-aid batteries.

Prior to purchasing new hearing-aid batteries, you’ll hear a news story on the radio about two men engaged in a tug-of-war, and you’ll wonder how people could be so cruel to a prostitute.

You’ll be strolling down Main Street next week when, much to your chagrin, your dyslexia will cause you to walk into a bra, about which the stranger then wearing it with you will be more than a bit peeved.

You’ll soon be surprised how sharp your kids have become when they interrupt your “Three Bears” story with “Mom, you’d think one of them would have gotten dressed that morning!”.

A dog will soon appear at your front door with a beloved book in his mouth you lost as a kid. You’ll think it’s an incredible miracle .. until the dog paws the book open to the page where you wrote your name and address.

You will suddenly realize you’re unique, just like everyone else .. though you’ll still wonder why they all knew this about you before you did.

You’ll one day realize that your modesty is something to be proud of.

You’ll soon decide to borrow the vacation money from your friend who’s a pessimist, as he’ll expect you to be late paying it back.

Next week two women really close to you will criticize you for being indecisive. After thinking about it for quite a while, you’ll still be unsure that your wives have a point.

As the election nears, a friend who’s disgusted with the whole mess will nominate Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Everyone will laugh but you, making you wish you’d have kept up with current events.

In a flight of fancy, you’ll offer to do some card tricks for your poker buddies before the game starts. You’ll then find yourself walking home before you finish the first trick, realizing why that wasn’t such a great idea.

You’ll soon read that one in every four people has a considerably low IQ. You’ll then eventually realize it wasn’t very bright of you to have gone out with those three women from Mensa, even if you did enjoy playing “Dunce and Professor”.

Next week your boss will demean that you’re depriving some poor village of its idiot. You’ll reply ad nauseam how much you enjoyed Hillary Clinton’s book. The following day the unemployment office will tell you idiocy doesn’t qualify one for benefits.

At lunch next week a few co-workers will be discussing the difference between stalagmites and stalagtites, but you’ll remain silent, wishing not only that you knew more about German prison camps, but that the fortune cookie was a better speller.

You’ll eventually come to wonder if most people have trouble comprehending much of what you say. Then you’ll finally turn up your hearing-aid. Strangely, that won’t seem to help, though you will be more aware of the problem.

You like cats, but you’re concerned about allergies. So you’ll soon get a hypo-allergenic cat. However this particular cat will be allergic to your boyfriend’s jock-itch powder. You’ll wonder if all genetic engineers are smart-asses.

You’ll watch an explicit documentary next week about the rather sloppy mating habits of blue whales. Subsequently you’ll vow never to go swimming in the ocean again.

Next week your friend will ask if you heard about the man who lost his left arm and his left leg in an accident. You’ll say no. She’ll then say, “He’s all right now.” You’ll act relieved. Your friend will then shake her head and look at you funny.

You will become irresistibly curious what “a frog in a blender” might look like. Your girlfriend will then break up with you and report you to the ASPCA.

You’ll come to wonder what the real difference is between an oral and a rectal thermometer. That curiosity will end before you’re through with the experiment.

You were clearly thinking about sex again. No? Yes you were! No??? Oh, c’mon – you know you were! Okay, eat a whole bunch more cookies real quick until this one comes up again, then try to deny it!

You were clearly thinking about hurling, especially after compulsively eating so many cookies because you’re so darn addicted to sex.

You’ll soon come face-to-face with a big horny gorilla, and you’ll show no fear! Then you’ll move on to the next cage. Inside though, you’ll be a bit embarrassed at what you’re still thinking.

You’ll decide to become politically active, but you just can’t decide which party to join. You’ll be frustrated. Your girlfriend will “console” you. Afterwards, you’ll defer the decision for another couple days.

You will get together with your buddies next week to discuss creating some new “political frustration” strategies, as your girlfriends are becoming suspicious.

Your grandfather will reminisce next month and use the term “clockwise”. You’ll wonder just how insightful their clocks really could have been back in the low-tech days.

You will be celebrating a considerably aged birthday soon and your grandkids will ask you about your childhood “when rocks were new”. You’ll laugh with them. Then later you’ll crab at your kids for raising disrespectful children.

A rather unsettling health event will soon cause you to reconsider your attitude towards herbal medicine and the color blue.

Next week the burger joint will really screw up your order. You’ll however decline to express your anger while waiting forever for them to fix it, as you were once a teenager working there, and you know what can happen.

You’re considering getting a dog, but you don’t know which breed you like. So you’ll visit a taxidermist’s showroom to get some ideas. You’ll end up getting a skunk. You’ll get over your cold and realize your mistake.

You’ll be so smashed you can’t see straight. Then you’ll stagger over to the bar and hit on a woman who’s also blindingly drunk. The two of you will go home together. The next morning you and your sister will solemnly vow to attend AA.

You will read a news flash at Comedy Central that scientific research has been linked to brain damage in rats. You’ll wonder for some time if that also applies to humans.

This weekend you’ll find nothing on TV worth watching, eventually becoming bored flipping through channels. You’ll then see if your husband is in the mood. Naturally, he will be in the other room watching the game with the maid.

You won’t find that book, so you’ll whisper to the librarian for help. She’ll say “Huh?” and you’ll speak louder. She’ll say “What?” then you’ll talk even louder. This will continue. Eventually you’ll be yelling, and they’ll kick you out.

You’ll go out for drinks with the girls on Friday. All but you will meet a guy and go home with him. You won’t feel left out, as you aren’t gay. But you’ll again wonder why none of the girls hit on you.

You’ll make the mistake around the campfire of letting your kids make you a smores. You’ll wonder why the chocolate tastes a bit funny. Later you’ll complain to the ranger about the grossly inadequate supply of toilet paper in the restrooms.