The Bare Knuckled Pundit

I’m sure by now you’ve seen the video of the disgruntled Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush last Sunday. I’m also fairly confidant after all the in-depth expert analysis that followed in its wake, you’re well aware that the act is the Arab equivalent of giving someone the “finger”; albeit in an admittedly more forceful and potentially painful manner.

That’s not even mentioning the potential olfactory offensiveness, depending on the attacker’s personal hygiene and the condition of their shoes, but I digress.

Though he fared far better than he would have had he thrown his shoes at former Iraqi dictator and current worm buffet, Saddam Hussein, recent reports indicate the would-be starting pitcher for the Baghdad Nationals has since fallen on hard times; or more precisely, the not so tender mercies of a thoroughly embarrassed Iraqi administration and its security apparatus.

Watching the scene, a few things immediately came to mind.

First, for a 61-year-old, President Bush has some fairly good reflexes. He agilely ducked the furiously flung footwear with all the deftness of a pitcher dodging a scorcher shot back at him by a World Series MVP. Randy Johnson could take some pointers from old W.

Batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter sa-wing!!! Da batter he canna swing!!

Second, reality is often so deliciously better than fiction.

Seriously, who in their right mind would have ever imagined something so bizarre could happen? This is the President of the United States of America we’re talking about, not the Mayor of Hoboken. Security is so tight around this man that an errant fly or malcontent mosquito has touched this man’s skin since January 2001.

Yet, there he was dodging heat-seeking Hushpuppies in balmy Baghdad.

Hate to break this to you, but someone just got transferred to the Secret Service’s special Antarctic division. Merry Christmas and keep an eye out for those pesky penguin plotters, pal!

Next, visions of Saturday Night Live went dancing through my head; which could potentially fall under the reality is better than fiction category.

No doubt the writers and producers on SNL immediately started calling and Twittering each other the moment they saw this. They may even have Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin fire a red crocodile high heel at the President in the spoof.

Were it not for the albatross of Bush’s economy – and her riding the backseat of the worst run Republican presidential campaign of the last forty years – she’d currently be preparing to move into the Vice President’s residence at the Washington Naval Observatory, don’tcha know?

Finally, while I personally don’t condone political violence - much less any involving laser-guided loafers – one would think that were that one’s weapon of preference they would choose something with a more substantial sole than a mere loafer.

Honestly, if you’re going to risk bodily harm, potential torture and lengthy imprisonment by throwing footwear at a national leader, you’re going to want to make your one or two shots count. If you’re crazy enough to try this, you should be smart enough to dress appropriately.

You want to make a political statement that’s going to have a forceful impact and leave its mark, then wear steel-toed boots. Trust me, you connect with one of those and you’ll get your point across and leave no doubt as to your displeasure with someone’s foreign policy.

Then again, having been Governor of Texas prior to ascending to the Presidency, perhaps cowboy boots would have be a more befitting selection.

Personally, being a Kiss fan since the tender and impressionable age of nine, I’d lean towards Gene Simmons’ trademark dragon thigh-high boots. While they are admittedly hard to come by, they would no doubt have a forceful and memorable visual impact. Their length would additionally provide you with greater accuracy, though they’d be rather cumbersome and hard to take off quickly.

Don’t worry, though, I’m sure they wouldn’t even garner a second glance from the Secret Service as you made your way through security.

And while they’re dragging you away as the President is whisked off to his shoe-proof armored limousine, you can pump your fist in the air while singing “Shout It Out Loud”. No doubt you’ll make “Countdown with Keith Olbermann”.

Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud, faithful readers! We got to have a party!

Stay tuned for further updates as events warrant and the Pentagon rolls out plans for the new anti-ballistic laser-guided loafer defense shield.

__________________
http://bareknuckledpundit.blogspot.com/

Some things are just too important to be taken so damned seriously.