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The second wife dilemma

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

IMO, there is nothing to feel guilty about at all.
 
Is love really so easily quantifiable?

I can see one thing immediately that Allison did, which Selena never will.

She loved you anyway.

For Selena, it's easy (well, as easy as loving anyone ever is, anyway). For Allison, it was a choice she made every day, even the good days. You don't seem like the type to marry someone who's dumb, so I assume she noticed that less-than-perfect meeting of the minds just as much as you did.

And the same is true for you. You worked for Allison. You don't have to with Selena.

Maybe you feel more sense of awe or wonder with Selena. But clearly, you had something else with Allison.

If you were to ask me the two greatest loves of my life, including all varieties of love, I'd give you two answers.

One of them is easy. There's that awe. That oneness.

The other was always hard. We worked. We had to. And at the end of it, we were a well-oiled machine, and losing him felt like getting my armed ripped off and then being beaten senseless with said severed limb. Just like I'm sure it would in the statistically likely event that my partner goes first.

Who did I love more?

I could never answer that.

You can measure love by the melding of the minds, as you seem to with Allison, yes.

But you can also measure it by blood, sweat, and tears.

You can measure love by the serendipity of how well you fall into place with each other without even trying.

And you can also measure it by the will you show in how hard you work to make things click.

At the end of the day, what's a more selfless choice? What is more a sign of putting your money where your mouth is?

Loving when it's easy, or loving when it's hard?

I know you and Selena have been through ****. But loving her has always been easy.

I think you underestimate yourself.

I also think it does you no good to worry yourself with what is normal. I've met thousands of people, and I've yet to meet a single one who is normal. I doubt you have either.

You're you, living your messy human life, doing the best you can. You're doing pretty good at it. You did well by Allison. You do well by Selena. Be happy with that.

Easily the best reply in this thread.

Thanks for taking the time to type that all out.
 
Is love really so easily quantifiable?

I can see one thing immediately that Allison did, which Selena never will.

She loved you anyway.

For Selena, it's easy (well, as easy as loving anyone ever is, anyway). For Allison, it was a choice she made every day, even the good days. You don't seem like the type to marry someone who's dumb, so I assume she noticed that less-than-perfect meeting of the minds just as much as you did.

And the same is true for you. You worked for Allison. You don't have to with Selena.

Maybe you feel more sense of awe or wonder with Selena. But clearly, you had something else with Allison.

If you were to ask me the two greatest loves of my life, including all varieties of love, I'd give you two answers.

One of them is easy. There's that awe. That oneness.

The other was always hard. We worked. We had to. And at the end of it, we were a well-oiled machine, and losing him felt like getting my armed ripped off and then being beaten senseless with said severed limb. Just like I'm sure it would in the statistically likely event that my partner goes first.

Who did I love more?

I could never answer that.

You can measure love by the melding of the minds, as you seem to with Allison, yes.

But you can also measure it by blood, sweat, and tears.

You can measure love by the serendipity of how well you fall into place with each other without even trying.

And you can also measure it by the will you show in how hard you work to make things click.

At the end of the day, what's a more selfless choice? What is more a sign of putting your money where your mouth is?

Loving when it's easy, or loving when it's hard?

I know you and Selena have been through ****. But loving her has always been easy.

I think you underestimate yourself.

I also think it does you no good to worry yourself with what is normal. I've met thousands of people, and I've yet to meet a single one who is normal. I doubt you have either.

You're you, living your messy human life, doing the best you can. You're doing pretty good at it. You did well by Allison. You do well by Selena. Be happy with that.

Damn girl. You need an advice column. That **** is deep.
 
Damn girl. You need an advice column. That **** is deep.

You guyyys... :3oops: DP advice girl? God, the world would end...

You know, I think I simplified it, actually. There's way more than two ways to measure such a thing.
 
Today is the 20th anniversary of my first wife's death by a drunk driver.
Allison was a good woman,a good wife, and a good mother,but I always felt she didn't understand me and my desire and ambition,to become better than I was.
She always thought I was overworking myself.while I saw it as doing something I love
I loved her dearly and do miss her.

I didn't even date for 5 years afterward until I met Selena.
I always felt that Selena is my soulmate. We are still madly in love with each other.
I feel Selena is the woman I was always meant for.
She understands me better than Allie ever did.

But lately,I've been feeling guilty that I love Selena more than I did my first wife.

Is that normal?

I haven't had anything close to that experience but it doesn't seem abnormal to me.
 
Aw, shucks... Glad someone enjoys my froofy writerly-ness.

I am both a widower and a married man.

I've dealth with more DUI deaths than I care to count.

Wasn't froofy in the least but, as a former Cognitive Linguistics major, years ago, I effing LOVE that term.

"Froofy"? I am SO nicking that.
 
You guyyys... :3oops: DP advice girl? God, the world would end...

You know, I think I simplified it, actually. There's way more than two ways to measure such a thing.

DP advice girl? Think you're going to get an odd bunch of questions with a name like that lmao.
 
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