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I have no clue what to do.

CaptainCourtesy said:
It is very difficult for a woman with a history in abusive relationships to break off the one she is in. Psychologically, because things are often so bad, when things are relatively good, comparatively, they feel fantastic to her. That's the tease of the abuser. She didn't choose him over you. She choose the tease. My suggestion would be to be her friend, but back off on the relationship perspective. You're only going to get hurt at this point, as she is still knee deep in the abuse.
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Exactly what I said on page one though I added that looking like she was angling in would look like being a homewrecker which will not go well.

Yourstar: Where you went wrong is that you did not realize that she is not available even though I and I think also others told you that, and now you are hurt because you were not chosen because you still believe that it was possible. Things are tougher now, maybe you can get this into your head fast and then try to be a good friend, but once the hurt and bitterness starts it tends to consume everything fast. I have no way too know how much she has soured on you during this time.

There are a not of near misses in life, this very well may be one for you.
 
CaptainCourtesy said:
It is very difficult for a woman with a history in abusive relationships to break off the one she is in. Psychologically, because things are often so bad, when things are relatively good, comparatively, they feel fantastic to her. That's the tease of the abuser. She didn't choose him over you. She choose the tease. My suggestion would be to be her friend, but back off on the relationship perspective. You're only going to get hurt at this point, as she is still knee deep in the abuse.
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My therapist said exactly the same thing, and it makes perfect sense, and I want to. I wanna be her friend because she means a lot to me, and I don't wanna lose her in my life. I haven't had a friend like this since high school, and frankly, I need this. I've missed having someone like that in my life. Every time I get around her though, it's like, I can't control my emotions, and I get super jealous, and I just wanna lash out. I don't, because I've mostly seen her at work for the past while. She's been with him, and I refuse to be around him. I just can't seem to let this go, and I don't know why, and it's hurting me, bottling all this stuff in. I wanna talk to her about this, but I'm afraid it'll do more harm than good. Though, from my perspective, it can't get all that much worse.
 
Your Star said:
My therapist said exactly the same thing, and it makes perfect sense, and I want to. I wanna be her friend because she means a lot to me, and I don't wanna lose her in my life. I haven't had a friend like this since high school, and frankly, I need this. I've missed having someone like that in my life. Every time I get around her though, it's like, I can't control my emotions, and I get super jealous, and I just wanna lash out. I don't, because I've mostly seen her at work for the past while. She's been with him, and I refuse to be around him. I just can't seem to let this go, and I don't know why, and it's hurting me, bottling all this stuff in. I wanna talk to her about this, but I'm afraid it'll do more harm than good. Though, from my perspective, it can't get all that much worse.
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Truthfully, talking about it to her probably won't help you. In fact, it will probably make you feel worse because I don't think you'll get what you need. She can't give it. She's caught in the abusive tease and that is more powerful than anything you could give. It's not you, YS. Seems like you've taken on a bit of the caretaker role with her, but you want the relationship to evolve so you can get your needs met, too. I just don't think she's capable of doing that, right now. You might have to just keep things "professional" with her for a bit, for your own sake.
 
CaptainCourtesy said:
Truthfully, talking about it to her probably won't help you. In fact, it will probably make you feel worse because I don't think you'll get what you need. She can't give it. She's caught in the abusive tease and that is more powerful than anything you could give. It's not you, YS. Seems like you've taken on a bit of the caretaker role with her, but you want the relationship to evolve so you can get your needs met, too. I just don't think she's capable of doing that, right now. You might have to just keep things "professional" with her for a bit, for your own sake.
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I can't tell you how many times she's called me crying because of him. How many times I've drove to met her to just sit for hours and talk things out, heal her wounds. That probably has something to do with why this makes me so upset. I put in so much work and effort in an attempt to help better herself and situation and she just throws it all down the goddamned drain.

And it has been one-sided ever since she got back together with him. While they were "broken up" we would text all day, hangout, now, I can't even get a text back. I feel used. Like, she leaned on me to make her feel better, and flirted with me, and told me she liked me so she could feel sexy, and now that he's back she's put me away. She doesn't need me now. And **** that hurts. I just don't get why she would do that to me now. When we first started hanging out they were together, and we were practically inseparable, but now, it's like she barely knows me.
 
Your Star said:
I can't tell you how many times she's called me crying because of him. How many times I've drove to met her to just sit for hours and talk things out, heal her wounds. That probably has something to do with why this makes me so upset. I put in so much work and effort in an attempt to help better herself and situation and she just throws it all down the goddamned drain.

And it has been one-sided ever since she got back together with him. While they were "broken up" we would text all day, hangout, now, I can't even get a text back. I feel used. Like, she leaned on me to make her feel better, and flirted with me, and told me she liked me so she could feel sexy, and now that he's back she's put me away. She doesn't need me now. And **** that hurts. I just don't get why she would do that to me now. When we first started hanging out they were together, and we were practically inseparable, but now, it's like she barely knows me.
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She's infatuated with the tease. It's like what they call in substance abuse recovery, the "pink cloud". It's when you first get into recovery, everything feels SO good because everything felt SO bad before. It's not real, though, because you only feel SO good because of how bad things were. Things level out.

You gave a lot and you feel so bad because it feels like it was completely one sided. When she needed you, she was there. Now, she's in that pink cloud tease, so she doesn't need the emotional support. This is what women in these situations do. She is not capable of giving back, YS. It's not a reflection of you at all, but about her and her inability to value herself enough to not be in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, you can't fix this. No matter how much you give, it won't be enough... but the more you give and don't get, the more you are going to get hurt. For your own sake, you need to back out.
 
CaptainCourtesy said:
She's infatuated with the tease. It's like what they call in substance abuse recovery, the "pink cloud". It's when you first get into recovery, everything feels SO good because everything felt SO bad before. It's not real, though, because you only feel SO good because of how bad things were. Things level out.

You gave a lot and you feel so bad because it feels like it was completely one sided. When she needed you, she was there. Now, she's in that pink cloud tease, so she doesn't need the emotional support. This is what women in these situations do. She is not capable of giving back, YS. It's not a reflection of you at all, but about her and her inability to value herself enough to not be in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, you can't fix this. No matter how much you give, it won't be enough... but the more you give and don't get, the more you are going to get hurt. For your own sake, you need to back out.
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What you're saying makes sense, and my therapist has suggested similar. She said to write her a letter, get all my emotions out and then take a step back and work through the emotions I have, and then we can try to move forward as friends. And that all makes so much sense. There's just something in me that is resisting that. That just wants to hold on and hope that she'll come to her senses, even though that's unrealistic. There's a part of me that just wants to yell at her for being so stupid, and that she's making a huge ****ing mistake. That she had a way out, she had me and that she ****ing blew it. That would feel good, but wouldn't accomplish much, and would just hurt us both in the end. Ugh.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I know what to do, I just don't wanna do it, and that is my fault. Overall, I guess I'm just hurt, and I need to deal with it.
 
Your Star said:
My therapist said exactly the same thing, and it makes perfect sense, and I want to. I wanna be her friend because she means a lot to me, and I don't wanna lose her in my life. I haven't had a friend like this since high school, and frankly, I need this. I've missed having someone like that in my life. Every time I get around her though, it's like, I can't control my emotions, and I get super jealous, and I just wanna lash out. I don't, because I've mostly seen her at work for the past while. She's been with him, and I refuse to be around him. I just can't seem to let this go, and I don't know why, and it's hurting me, bottling all this stuff in. I wanna talk to her about this, but I'm afraid it'll do more harm than good. Though, from my perspective, it can't get all that much worse.
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One of the most important distinctions I learned about in life, is the one between emotions and intellect, heart vs. brain. Your emotions are your feelings, there is a truth in them that cannot be denied, but they can easily lead you into situations that feel good, but in reality are NOT good for you. Your intellect is what you THINK (not feel) and I have found that your intellect is imminently more RELIABLE in selecting actions, including actions that do not FEEL right, but you KNOW intellectually will be better for you in the long run. You may not feel that good today, but you KNOW if you chose the correct course of action, you will avoid a greater hurt in the future, and in this case, stop wasting time and keep your life FREE to look for and eventually chose a better option in the future.

One of the signs of maturity is the ability to defer gratification. Deferring gratification in the short run is painful, but if you KNOW you are also wasting time and there is a good chance you are setting up for a big hurt from this unreliable relationship, you have to play the odds. There is a slim odd this may work out, but a much larger odd that it will fail.

Do what your brain and intellect tells you the odds favor you doing. There is nobody, including you, that can perfectly predict how this will turn out. All you can do is intellectually analyze it, call the odds, and act on what you brain tells you to do. You may have some pain to endure in the short run, but also avoid a greater pain in the future if you pursued the relationship fully and it eventually failed.

If you walk away from this relationship, then you are free and open to possibly a better relationship, which you should look for. That is your upside.

At times in my life when I seemed most confused and stressed, I eventually diagnosed it as the conflict between my feelings and intellect.

I have just found over a long time that my brain made better decisions than my heart. Do what you THINK the right thing is, not what you FEEL you want to do.
 
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finebead said:
One of the most important distinctions I learned about in life, is the one between emotions and intellect, heart vs. brain. Your emotions are your feelings, there is a truth in them that cannot be denied, but they can easily lead you into situations that feel good, but in reality are NOT good for you. Your intellect is what you THINK (not feel) and I have found that your intellect is imminently more RELIABLE in selecting actions, including actions that do not FEEL right, but you KNOW intellectually will be better for you in the long run. You may not feel that good today, but you KNOW if you chose the correct course of action, you will avoid a greater hurt in the future, and in this case, stop wasting time and keep your life FREE to look for and eventually chose a better option in the future.

One of the signs of maturity is the ability to defer gratification. Deferring gratification in the short run is painful, but if you KNOW you are also wasting time and there is a good chance you are setting up for a big hurt from this unreliable relationship, you have to play the odds. There is a slim odd this may work out, but a much larger odd that it will fail.

Do what your brain and intellect tells you the odds favor you doing. There is nobody, including you, that can perfectly predict how this will turn out. All you can do is intellectually analyze it, call the odds, and act on what you brain tells you to do. You may have some pain to endure in the short run, but also avoid a greater pain in the future if you pursued the relationship fully and it eventually failed.

If you walk away from this relationship, then you are free and open to possibly a better relationship, which you should look for. That is your upside.

At times in my life when I seemed most confused and stressed, I eventually diagnosed it as the conflict between my feelings and intellect.

I have just found over a long time that my brain made better decisions than my heart. Do what you THINK the right thing is, not what you FEEL you want to do.
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I have found this to be right, intimate relationships are to my mind closer to high stakes poker than anything else. If we put down big money on a bad hand then we are fools. Pain is a great teacher though, losing enough by playing badly has a way of teaching us to play well. That said, sometimes we just have to trust the gut. It is a good idea to have that gut well trained, which can only be gained by living life.

Great post finebead.

EDIT: there is a great scene in that great movie "Good Will Hunting" on exactly this.
 
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