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Where do I go from here?

Riveroaks said:
If there are kids I believe the couple should stay together until the kids are raised.

If one of the spouses cheats then its open season for the other one also to.

In fact I would not get near a cheating spouse ever again.

Separate bedrooms.

"Daddy needs his rest Sweetie."
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That's insane. It simply teaches kids that dysfunction is normal.

Kids are not stupid. They know when mommy and daddy dislike/hate each other.

Happy and separate is often times far better than angry and together.
 
MaggieD said:
It probably depends on how adult the parents are as they stay together. There is nothing nurturing, esteem-building, character building or loving about mom and dad screaming at each other twice a week, calling each other ****s and pricks and stupid assholes and bitches. Not one solitary thing.
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One of the major rules of parenting is never yell at your spouse in front of your kids. Take a walk and yell away from your kids.
 
Dragonfly said:
That's insane. It simply teaches kids that dysfunction is normal.

Kids are not stupid. They know when mommy and daddy dislike/hate each other.

Happy and separate is often times far better than angry and together.
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That's insane. But common.
 
WI Crippler said:
So part of my hiatus from this site was due to changes in work (a good thing), but at some point my marriage disintegrated (bad thing) which kept me away even longer. My ex had an affair, and without going into too much detail, over the course of attempting counseling it became obvious she wanted no part in trying to make the relationship work again. She basically just wanted it to "blow over" and just be an "oops" moment. For my part I couldn't quite wrap my head around that. So for the sake of each others sanity we mutually decided to separate. It seems to work, and we do have two kids together who are doing good with everything as our anger towards each other is no longer directed onto the kids inadvertently. So while that is a bad thing to go through, it's been handled by both of us very well and without dramatics.

However, it's left me in a predicament as I am not an outgoing person. I'm a nice guy, but I can't just walk up to a person and start talking to them. I find dating ridiculously difficult due to being in a strange spot in life, 36 with two kids. So I don't really I feel I appeal to younger women at this point as having kids is probably the equivalent or worse than having an STD. And I just figure all the good older women have been gotten at this point. I don't really do bars anymore, and my only interest at this point is working out, which I usually do alone. I can't seem to figure out where I fit in culturally either. I've tried the dating site thing, but every woman's profile is the same. They want to travel and go on adventures. I have small kids, I don't get to just jet out of town on adventures.

I guess I just feel lost and without appeal. Just looking for some advice.
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I have no advice for you, other than to just say be yourself, be natural, and somewhere and sometime in your travels someone will hit you as being right and you'll naturally know it.

Mostly, I just wanted to respond to extend my congrats to you for doing what was right for you personally, while still doing what was right for your children even if it means you feel a little restricted in your options. Good job!!
 
Riveroaks said:
One of the major rules of parenting is never yell at your spouse in front of your kids. Take a walk and yell away from your kids.
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Oh, I hate seeing kids jump or get scared when adults start yelling. It is so sad.
 
Alyssa T. said:
Oh, I hate seeing kids jump or get scared when adults start yelling. It is so sad.
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A father is ideally supposed to protect his spouse and children, not make them scared.

Adult males are ideally supposed to protect the ladies and kids around them as well, not make them scared.

Problem is that the world is so full of dirt bags that it does not always if rarely ever happen like that.

I even worry about cats and dogs -- they have feelings too.
 
There are loads of people in your situation. Do you have a mate (male friend) to hang about with and go out socialising with, even if you're not keen on bars and such? It's a lot easier to meet people then. We used to judge men by that...guys who are alone were a no no... a bigger risk. Why are they alone..? It's better to be smiling and talking with friends and looking like a decent guy, than looking like a scary loner.

Make the most of your temporary freedom, take up some of those things you weren't able to do when you were married. Shared interest makes it easy to talk to people and get to know them before getting involved.

By the way, are your kids young enough that you are at the school gate waiting for them? (Plenty of mums hanging about there)
 
WI Crippler said:
So part of my hiatus from this site was due to changes in work (a good thing), but at some point my marriage disintegrated (bad thing) which kept me away even longer. My ex had an affair, and without going into too much detail, over the course of attempting counseling it became obvious she wanted no part in trying to make the relationship work again. She basically just wanted it to "blow over" and just be an "oops" moment. For my part I couldn't quite wrap my head around that. So for the sake of each others sanity we mutually decided to separate. It seems to work, and we do have two kids together who are doing good with everything as our anger towards each other is no longer directed onto the kids inadvertently. So while that is a bad thing to go through, it's been handled by both of us very well and without dramatics.

However, it's left me in a predicament as I am not an outgoing person. I'm a nice guy, but I can't just walk up to a person and start talking to them. I find dating ridiculously difficult due to being in a strange spot in life, 36 with two kids. So I don't really I feel I appeal to younger women at this point as having kids is probably the equivalent or worse than having an STD. And I just figure all the good older women have been gotten at this point. I don't really do bars anymore, and my only interest at this point is working out, which I usually do alone. I can't seem to figure out where I fit in culturally either. I've tried the dating site thing, but every woman's profile is the same. They want to travel and go on adventures. I have small kids, I don't get to just jet out of town on adventures.

I guess I just feel lost and without appeal. Just looking for some advice.
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Check yourself. That first. Figure out where you fit in and what makes YOU happy. You honestly sound like you got it figured out: kids first then you. I hate when people try to put themselves before their kids.

As far as talking to women...did you talk to them before your separation? Same thing. Pretend like it doesn't matter, because it doesn't. You know you have the odds stacked against you. So you might as well treat it like a good conversation and enjoy yourself. You aren't trying to sleep with every woman you meet.
 
I do not mean this as a joke.

you could check into things like mail order brides and other dating services that take you to different countries.
 
Match.com

It's like being a kid in a candy store.

Want Asians this week?

Date Asians.

Girls with glasses the next?

Then date girls with glasses.

And so on and so forth and etc...

When you get tired of having more sex with more women than you ever thought possible you can start zeroing in on "your type" for a committed relationship.

Eventually you'll find a woman you like and then you can tell her about your kids.

If she's put off by them, go back to Asians for a bit (would be my recommendation).

Worked for me.

I met my wife when I was 34 and after a couple years of dating we've been married 9 years this past September.

For the two years prior to meeting her, like I said, kid in a candy store.
 
stonewall50 said:
Check yourself. That first. Figure out where you fit in and what makes YOU happy. You honestly sound like you got it figured out: kids first then you. I hate when people try to put themselves before their kids.

As far as talking to women...did you talk to them before your separation? Same thing. Pretend like it doesn't matter, because it doesn't. You know you have the odds stacked against you. So you might as well treat it like a good conversation and enjoy yourself. You aren't trying to sleep with every woman you meet.
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Well I put my kids first for sure. I did date a woman my age who had no kids, and it irked her to no end that I just wasn't available at the drop of a hat to go do stuff because I had my kids, or had something to do with my kids. That was easy to be like "this just won't work". So I figure younger women are likely out of the picture as they are probably still looking at life like they should be the most important thing in their man's world. Sorry but nobody will be able to take first place over the kids. So finding someone like that will be difficult I think.

Like I said, I've done the dating site thing, and it just doesn't work out. Like $30 a month and I barely got responses. If I go out to a bar, I just sit by myself drinking which is pathetic. I don't go to dance clubs because that would be 10X as bad, and I might actually cause injury to myself or others. I'm not a church goer, as others in this thread have suggested. I'm not anti-religious, but I am not a believer in the classical Christian sense. I have a slight moral compass that says you shouldn't fake being someone you're not. Sure I could meet someone nice, but I figure at some point religion becomes a straining point between us as I won't want to go to church. It would be akin to a vegan girl eating steak just to get with me. I wouldn't ask someone to compromise their value system to be with me and I don't feel I should compromise my own.
 
Are you kidding me? Take them kids to the park, and be a good dad.


You'll be swimming in vagina.



Trust me, bro.
 
WI Crippler said:
So part of my hiatus from this site was due to changes in work (a good thing), but at some point my marriage disintegrated (bad thing) which kept me away even longer. My ex had an affair, and without going into too much detail, over the course of attempting counseling it became obvious she wanted no part in trying to make the relationship work again. She basically just wanted it to "blow over" and just be an "oops" moment. For my part I couldn't quite wrap my head around that. So for the sake of each others sanity we mutually decided to separate. It seems to work, and we do have two kids together who are doing good with everything as our anger towards each other is no longer directed onto the kids inadvertently. So while that is a bad thing to go through, it's been handled by both of us very well and without dramatics.

However, it's left me in a predicament as I am not an outgoing person. I'm a nice guy, but I can't just walk up to a person and start talking to them. I find dating ridiculously difficult due to being in a strange spot in life, 36 with two kids. So I don't really I feel I appeal to younger women at this point as having kids is probably the equivalent or worse than having an STD. And I just figure all the good older women have been gotten at this point. I don't really do bars anymore, and my only interest at this point is working out, which I usually do alone. I can't seem to figure out where I fit in culturally either. I've tried the dating site thing, but every woman's profile is the same. They want to travel and go on adventures. I have small kids, I don't get to just jet out of town on adventures.

I guess I just feel lost and without appeal. Just looking for some advice.
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really sorry to hear about the affair and breakup. it sucks; i wasn't married, but it happened to me a couple times. makes you very hesitant to put your heart out there. i stayed single for six years and toyed with the idea of never dating again. then i went out one night and met my fiancée. we dated briefly years before, and just happened to be in the right place at the right time. life is kind of neat that way.

having kids makes it more complicated, but i wouldn't worry about it too much. in your mid thirties, most people have kids. i don't, but that's the exception, not the rule. just take care of yourself for a while, and stay open to opportunities. hopefully something nice will eventually happen if you put yourself out there. 35 year old Helix would have said "yeah, sure. next time i feel like dating, i'll shove $10k down a rathole, set it on fire, and then punch myself in the stomach. that would be a lot cheaper and less painful than dating." in fact, i did say that. however, i'm 42 now, and things have gotten better. i'm happy about it, and i hope that you meet a girl who is right for you.
 
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