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relationship question

tacomancer said:
In my heart I do. I keep thinking back to my ex and I really loved her and was devastated when she left me. I know why I am scared, I don't want to expose myself to that level of pain again. She is the same, her ex husband turned out to be a very bad person who will likely be spending the rest of his life in jail.

Deep in my heart though, this one feels unconditional, but people say that **** all the time, so I'm not sure its even worth the words to write it. To be fair, my ex wife never felt unconditional. I would rather take it as it is and see for myself after some time and challenges that we face together.
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It's on you friend. :) when you know...you know. Only you know how you really feel. This person isn't your ex. You know that. Do you love her? I know that pain makes it hard. But don't fear it. That makes it impossible to find the one.
 
tacomancer said:
We have actually had to hold off on sex because it can be incredibly intense and we lose ourselves into it completely and life is life, it often needs attention, (but essentially the sex can be too good to be practical).
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Should this person be a best friend and not a lover given the dimensions of how we seem to have bonded?
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crack.jpg

Seriously, I think you answered your own question:

Our intent is to give it time.
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Just do that.

If it's meant to be then it's meant to be, if not you'll know it.

A couple months, even a couple really intensely unprecedented months, isn't a long time at all.

I like to live with a woman for a couple years before I consider it to be next-level serious, and yes, I've walked away from a couple live-in relationships because they just weren't what I was looking for.

Then I met my wife and after thirteen years together, ten years of marriage as of tomorrow, two kids, numerous jobs, a couple houses, a graduate degree while working full time, surgery, and everything else life has thrown at us she's still my best bud.
 
soot said:
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Seriously, I think you answered your own question:



Just do that.

If it's meant to be then it's meant to be, if not you'll know it.

A couple months, even a couple really intensely unprecedented months, isn't a long time at all.

I like to live with a woman for a couple years before I consider it to be next-level serious, and yes, I've walked away from a couple live-in relationships because they just weren't what I was looking for.

Then I met my wife and after thirteen years together, ten years of marriage as of tomorrow, two kids, numerous jobs, a couple houses, a graduate degree while working full time, surgery, and everything else life has thrown at us she's still my best bud.
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As I stated, I am waiting it out and I want to go through at least serious rough patch before thinking of next steps. I want her to do something stupid and see how she handles it, and have her watch me do something stupid. Adjust to each other's quirks, etc...

My instincts tell me though that this one will be around for years and even decades. I hope my gut is right.
 
Yeah I snipped it all, sue me.

Go with the flow and just keep checking your heart against your mind. Don't worry about a legal paper defining the relationship. If you feel that you need the legal advantages, then get legally married even if you feel that the personal relationship is not a marriage. Don't worry about sex, save maybe if you do have it you are trying your best for her and not you.

I have two wives and a husband. I love my husband dearly, but have no sexual attraction for him. My second wife and I are only now starting to explore a physical sexual relationship, but it is secondary to our marriage. The relationship of the four of us seems very similar to your description of yours to this woman. It seems that you two will make a household together. If so embrace it and don't worry about the details of what others think of how it is "supposed" to be run or structured.
 
Things are going well and we are only growing closer.

The other day, I looked at her and it just sort of popped in my brain (and out of my mouth).. "When we first met, its like we have always known each other, neither of us could (and still cannot) quite define the recognition, but we knew it was there and it scared us because we knew we had no other choice at that point but to see what came of it. Since then, I found what feels like family and that subtle knowing one has with family that you may fight or argue, but you are bound together by that inexplicable bond that cannot be dissolved. So we seem to be.

Since that time, I have come to love you in a more traditional sense on top of that, your sense of honor, honesty, your support and faithfulness to me, your having my back, our friendship, the fact we can be completely honest to the point of rude bluntness to each other and nobody takes offense, and all you do for me, without me asking, has given me that additional reason to love you and something else to love you for. I am thankful for both of those types of love at the same time."

She prides herself on being tough, but she did cry just for a split second with the biggest goofiest smile on her face. I was simply surprised at what came out of my own mouth, unexpected by me, lol.

We spent the rest of the evening talking about planning for thanksgiving, not quite romantic, but necessary since there are five children between us and some of her family was also visiting. The logistics of the situation not being fun.

The next morning, she left a white rose on my pillow and I don't think we have talked about it since, but its not necessary, we just seem to know.

Since then though the main discussion seems to be centered around, if this is what we are, then how do we maximize the joy of it. There has been a lot of discussion about what each of us want, who we are, our imperfections, what we can do for each other to help the other grow as a person, etc. I suspect none of this conversation will actually matter and we will take it day by day, but we like having a sense of control, lol.

The future seems bright folks.

Still weird though, how the hell does a person who isn't your family feel like family.. Oh well, all I know is that this thing is happening right now and I am going to make the best of it, there will be days in the future I am sure where things will suck, so lets build something now to have a platform to endure the sucky parts of life. If this is the way its going to be, then lets make it awesome and ourselves awesome.
 
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tacomancer said:
Still weird though, how the hell does a person who isn't your family feel like family.. Oh well, all I know is that this thing is happening right now and I am going to make the best of it, there will be days in the future I am sure where things will suck, so lets build something now to have a platform to endure the sucky parts of life. If this is the way its going to be, then lets make it awesome and ourselves awesome.
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There are, all boiled down, three types of family. Those who are family by blood, those that are family by law, and those that are family by the heart. Ideally the best are at least two of the three, if not all three. But in the end those by heart are the most important, because they are the ones who stand beside you, no matter what. For most of us we learn this growing up with our immediate blood family, and maybe some of the extended as well. That's why a lot of people get confused when they find it in others, especially if the Eros coexists with the Filia right from the start, or follows. Neither the blood nor the law guarantees love. Only family of the heart does that.
 
tacomancer said:
When I refer to sex, its not always steady pumping. Theres cuddling, talking, exploring, the occasional nap, foreplay, etc. That can easily last that long.
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I can do the nine hour thing if we really count the nap part.
 
Be yourself.

I you can do that with her and her with you -- Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!
 
gdgyva said:
the stars aligned, and it sounds like you guys have what my wife and i have

it is a great feeling

we were worried at first too....

it was like, how come we are so comfortable with each other?

it is like we have known each other forever.....

we decided that was a really GOOD thing.....and have been happily married ever since

grats....and i mean that!

i think we are the rare couples
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Congrats! Would you tell us more details? What is the most special hobby that you share?
 
"Here is the question.

Is there something wrong with such a high level of comfort, home, and family?"

And here's the answer: No.
 
tacomancer said:
I was married for fifteen years and I did not experience anything approaching this. I hope we are not fooling ourselves.
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Married then???? Not being nosy, so no need to answer.
So you have aged & matured, met someone that is in sync with you, you with her. Over analyzing this is not worth the time or the effort as it just causes second thoughts, possible doubts over what???
Let the relationship grow, and see where it goes.
 
I was going to give the same advice.

gdgyva said:
my best friend in the world is also my wife

those feelings of home as you call it, are security

within a few days of knowing my wife, i felt as if i had known her for years....and she said the same to me

what you describe is what most people really want.....grats on finding it

now just work on keeping it
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JANFU said:
Married then???? Not being nosy, so no need to answer.
So you have aged & matured, met someone that is in sync with you, you with her. Over analyzing this is not worth the time or the effort as it just causes second thoughts, possible doubts over what???
Let the relationship grow, and see where it goes.
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I think I am over analyzing on further reflection. The truth is, I have it good with this woman and I am very happy. I just was surprised because I had given up on the idea of finding someone so wonderful. I don't expect much out of life, so when something good happens, I question it because I am used to life being a slog.

So, yeah, this is a girl who knows how to use a grenade launcher, can drive a multi-ton truck, is decent at hand to hand combat, turns out to have a level of self control and emotional honesty and strength that is astounding (she is very direct balls to the wall honest with who she is and how she presents herself, what you see is what you get, no masks no shame in strong emotions or passions), a hell of a parent who has two nearly perfect kids that she raised as a single mom and about the most worthless dad imaginable (in prison for at least another 22 years), can cook anything, scary intelligent, a war veteran (marine corps), a competent pianist and trumpet player, excellent painter, completely loyal to those she loves, had a career in electronics and is now a professional in the financial industry, has a passion for shakespeare, calligraphy, renaissance festivals, enjoys anything from Brahms to mushroom head, is a hall of a singer and can dance really freaking well, is obsessed with star wars and harry potter and all things nerd, and has a nerf gun collection to die for.

Thats partially why I questioned it... people like this aren't supposed to actually exist.
 
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