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Wedding Dress Shopping Question

Tigger said:
Thank you for the comments and advice, sangha. I truly wish it was that easy.
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No, it's not easy

But it's best.

You just have to get over the idea that you can fix this. You can't. All you can do is not make it any worse
 
CanadaJohn said:
You may not consider it constructive advice, but I'd suggest you convince your bride-to-be to elope with you, spend a week or two away, then come back and throw a party for your family and friends to celebrate your union. Weddings today are way out of control and nothing but a stressor and a magnet for bitching and moaning. Avoid it all and do what matters to you and your bride.
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Fully agree.

Wedding should be about 2 people. When you try to make it about more than 2 people...well, this happens.

Go to the court house. Get hitched. Go on honeymoon. Tell everyone when the reception is. If they come, they come. If they don't, they don't.

Tigger's trying to plug endless holes with his fingers, unaware that the dam's about to break and he's about to get crushed by the weight of it.
 
sangha said:
No, it's not easy. But it's best. You just have to get over the idea that you can fix this. You can't. All you can do is not make it any worse
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If not fixed, at least it needs to be dealt with. Preferably without creating a scene. That's not going to be easy. I'm now told that we're all supposed to be meeting at her parent's house this evening to try and sort this out because apparently there have been at least two screaming phone calls already today over this. May the Gods have mercy on us all.

Gipper said:
Fully agree. Wedding should be about 2 people. When you try to make it about more than 2 people...well, this happens. Go to the court house. Get hitched. Go on honeymoon. Tell everyone when the reception is. If they come, they come. If they don't, they don't.
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That would be a nice idea, but it's a little beyond reach, at least in this situation. We're not just talking about people not showing up for a reception. We're talking about people not talking to us ever again. More importantly it's about trying to give her at least one moment where she can say it was perfect for what she wants.
 
Tigger said:
That would be a nice idea, but it's a little beyond reach, at least in this situation. We're not just talking about people not showing up for a reception. We're talking about people not talking to us ever again. More importantly it's about trying to give her at least one moment where she can say it was perfect for what she wants.
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Take a page from that "if you love something, let it go" bullspit. You can't force people to care - and attempting to do just that will drive you crazy.

And as far as "perfect", she needs to recognize PDQ that it's not going to be perfect if people don't want it to be. When you depend on external factors, perfection is a fool's quest.
 
Tigger, I feel for you man. I'm with Sangha on this one, all you can do is get yourself injured getting involved with women and a wedding. There's nothing you'll be facing that can't be solved by a case of beer. :lol:
 
Gipper said:
Take a page from that "if you love something, let it go" bullspit. You can't force people to care - and attempting to do just that will drive you crazy.

And as far as "perfect", she needs to recognize PDQ that it's not going to be perfect if people don't want it to be. When you depend on external factors, perfection is a fool's quest.
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American said:
Tigger, I feel for you man. I'm with Sangha on this one, all you can do is get yourself injured getting involved with women and a wedding. There's nothing you'll be facing that can't be solved by a case of beer. :lol:
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Well, as I mentioned a couple minutes ago, I've now been informed that we are having a "Family Meeting" at my future in-laws home this evening to discuss all of this drama. Thankfully I think my bulletproof vest still fits, so I can wear that when we go. This has the potential to either fix a lot of things, or end up with ambulances and police cars. Hopefully closer to the first will be the actual outcome.
 
Tigger said:
Well, as I mentioned a couple minutes ago, I've now been informed that we are having a "Family Meeting" at my future in-laws home this evening to discuss all of this drama. Thankfully I think my bulletproof vest still fits, so I can wear that when we go. This has the potential to either fix a lot of things, or end up with ambulances and police cars. Hopefully closer to the first will be the actual outcome.
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Gotta love an optimistic man.
 
Tigger said:
Well, as I mentioned a couple minutes ago, I've now been informed that we are having a "Family Meeting" at my future in-laws home this evening to discuss all of this drama. Thankfully I think my bulletproof vest still fits, so I can wear that when we go. This has the potential to either fix a lot of things, or end up with ambulances and police cars. Hopefully closer to the first will be the actual outcome.
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If I were you I'd wait outside with the SWAT team.
 
As the mother of two daughters, I am surprised that the mother of the bride has not stepped in and laid down the law to "Cinderella's" two ugly sisters! The fact that both of them have had "problems" making two prior shopping trips for the dress does indicate resentment and perhaps jealousy on their part. Who knows why? And what if they do manage to make the next appointment? Does she think they are going to magically agree on the dress she chooses?

Since they are not going to be in the wedding party, there is no need for them to even be there, since it seems logical that they won't agree on the colors of the bridesmaid dresses, let alone the dresses themselves! Why should they...it's not their wedding, and they seem determined to ruin hers. I agree that you should expect sabotage of some sort at the wedding itself, sad to say. Hell of a way to start married life together!

I like the idea of a cruise, if she is willing to consider it. You'll be just as married, and can throw a lavish reception when you return.

Good luck, Tigger. :2wave:
 
Tigger said:
Well, as I mentioned a couple minutes ago, I've now been informed that we are having a "Family Meeting" at my future in-laws home this evening to discuss all of this drama. Thankfully I think my bulletproof vest still fits, so I can wear that when we go. This has the potential to either fix a lot of things, or end up with ambulances and police cars. Hopefully closer to the first will be the actual outcome.
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Patience is a virtue Tigger. :) Now I don't know what kind of drama level they go too but from what I know of you I don't think you will stand for much. You mention ambulances and police cars so I don't know if you are implying it could get physical from yourself or your in laws but violence and aggression are not the answer. Remember when you are there that you get more with honey than vinegar. ;) Try to stay calm if not for you then for your fiancé.
 
polgara said:
As the mother of two daughters, I am surprised that the mother of the bride has not stepped in and laid down the law to "Cinderella's" two ugly sisters! The fact that both of them have had "problems" making two prior shopping trips for the dress does indicate resentment and perhaps jealousy on their part. Who knows why? And what if they do manage to make the next appointment? Does she think they are going to magically agree on the dress she chooses?
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She was living in the hope that they're going to "see the light". That changed last night, thankfully (sort of).

polgara said:
Since they are not going to be in the wedding party, there is no need for them to even be there, since it seems logical that they won't agree on the colors of the bridesmaid dresses, let alone the dresses themselves! Why should they...it's not their wedding, and they seem determined to ruin hers. I agree that you should expect sabotage of some sort at the wedding itself, sad to say. Hell of a way to start married life together!
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Definitely an interesting way to plan a wedding, thought that has hopefully been dealt with after last evening (I'll describe later).

polgara said:
I like the idea of a cruise, if she is willing to consider it. You'll be just as married, and can throw a lavish reception when you return.

Good luck, Tigger. :2wave:
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It's mostly my family that is pressing for the church/traditional wedding. Her family would be fine with pretty much whatever we do though considering this is likely to be the only chance for a traditional wedding in this generation of that family, they would like to see something like what we're planning.

(Extended description of last nights "festivities" to come)
 
Everyone would tell you to just stay out of it. This is all about her family and the squarbling is just how it works in some cultures as a manner of sorting thru pecking order in the family structure. This also all is a way to make a really big deal out of the dress - in a sense getting the most bang for the buck.

Also, get used to this. You are marrying this. It will come up about everything over and over again. This is going to become your life. Every day. Every night. You are not just marrying her. You are marrying them. Every decision will have to evolve every one of her family members in the most minute detail talking and bickered about into the ground.
 
Oh My Lord last night was an event unlike any I've ever seen before. What was supposed to be a "Family Meeting" turned into an intervention that most reality television programs couldn't have scripted......

Tisha and I showed up at her parents home about 5:30, which it turns out was about an hour before the other two couples had been told to arrive. We were taken upstairs into the Master Bedroom and informed that the parents had already had two different "sit-downs" with the girls about the wedding issue. One back in September and the other just before Thanksgiving. Obviously neither had the desired affect. We were also told that the Friday between Christmas and New Years the girls had been warned that as of the first of the year the "Bank of Mommy and Daddy" was closed for almost all transactions. The 3 cell phones that the girls (and Stephanie's husband) had through mom & dad's plan were being cancelled as of 1/15. All vehicle registrations, car insurance policies, etc... had to be separated from the parents policies before the end of January. Since both girls get SNAP assistance, there would be no more of mom and dad picking up $40-60 of groceries for each family. Additionally, any child care duties the girls wanted their sister Kim (who still lives at home) to take on would be charged at the rate of $1.50/hour for each child payable when the kids were DROPPED OFF, not when they were picked up. Overages would have to be paid prior to any future babysitting could be scheduled. This was rather shocking to both of us, since the entire time I've known this family the parents have coddled Stephanie and Jessica as if they were still living at home, which for part of the time Stephanie was (despite having 4 kids and being in her mid-20's).

The other two couples rolled in at about 6:29, with all 7 kids in tow. The children were informed that they would have to stay on the first floor under the supervision of Kim and their uncle Hector while the other 8 of us went upstairs to have this "meeting". I was pleasantly surprised at the way both grandparents put their feet down when the chorus of "but I want to be with you" complaints erupted.

The four couples went upstairs, all of our cell phones were taken and secured in the safe (to prevent people from focusing on other things), and the landline phone was disconnected from the wall. The meeting started by their parents going over the list of "freebies" that were ending with the girls, who were rather shocked that this was actually something other than a hollow threat, as it had been in the past from their parents. This of course led to a 45 minute bitch session about how each of them "deserves" these freebies, combined with intra-couple bickering since neither girl had told their significant other that the phones were being shut off and that they were going to have to start taking on several of the other expenses they've been pawning off on their parents for at least the last several years. Tisha and I just sat their quietly, trying to keep from smiling or laughing too much. At the end of this you had four exceptionally pissed-off adults and two parents who I was happy but surprised had held their ground.

Stephanie and Jessica seemed to think the conversation was over at that point since they both got up to leave. My mother-in-law-to-be promptly informed them that the meeting was not done yet and proceeded to start in on how disappointed she was with the way both they and their significant others were treating Tisha and myself in regards to the wedding planning. I kind of held my breath to see what the reaction would be. With their mental and verbal filters having already been removed by the previous topic of discussion all four of the other "adults" in the room jumped into the discussion at the same time. For probably a good half hour we sat there while my future in-laws were barraged with complaints, insults, and derogatory comments about how unfairly the girls had been/were being treated by their parents regarding Stephanie's wedding last April and a potential future wedding for Jessica and her boyfriend compared to what we were doing/getting for ours. I heard my fiance referred to as a.... slut, gold-digger, whore, and attention whore (among other things). These four made the two wicked step-sisters in the Cinderella story look calm and decent in comparison. At one point Tisha literally had her head on my shoulder bawling and sobbing uncontrollably. Finally her parents regained control of the situation and something close to order was restored. I took Tisha into the bathroom and got her relatively calmed down. You could have heard a pin drop through that bathroom door while we were in there.

When we came out of the bathroom something I never expected to see happened. It was like finally hearing all of these things directly and openly had woken something up inside of her and once she'd gotten through the emotional funk she came out swinging (verbally) like Mike Tyson. She let out not just the last 12 months worth of frustrations with her two sisters but about 8 years worth of frustration with everyone in that room but me. Every person in that room was utterly shocked. Everything she'd wanted to say for almost 8 years but held back came out of her mouth with the force of a Lioness and much of it cut pretty deep into the people it was focused towards. Not just her sisters, but her parents and her sister's significant others as well. She went on for probably the better part of 40 minutes without stopping. At the end every single one of us in that room was utterly shocked.

The room sat mostly silent for about 5 minutes before anyone even responded. There was actually some semi-reasonable conversation about a number of topics, including the wedding, after that. We finally got done about 9:45 last night and hopefully it will make some difference. There is still some obvious jealousy and envy between the girls, but I think that maybe we've at least come to an arrangement where we can get through the wedding without any major issues. HOPEFULLY.
 
Wait until the wedding. There will be a battle of who gets her makeup on last. Guests will be waiting. Likely her mother will try to upstage it all by making everyone wait until she finally gets done. Some trivial thing will be forget and someone will have to go dash for it. At least one of the sisters will become hysterical and another will try to take over everything. It will become like a really badly done military drill. And if you are having a rehearsal, it will absolutely start at least 30 minutes late and possibly an hour.

As for the incident of her letting go with how she REALLY feels at everyone BUT you? Well, she has to wait until married to you before it's your turn. Then they they are all going to unite in agreement about what is wrong with YOU. Blood is thicker than water. Everything is going to change when you marry her. You realize that, don't you? What you saw is what's coming your way. :2razz:

You can't say you weren't warned.
 
joko104 said:
Wait until the wedding. There will be a battle of who gets her makeup on last. Guests will be waiting. Likely her mother will try to upstage it all by making everyone wait until she finally gets done. Some trivial thing will be forget and someone will have to go dash for it. At least one of the sisters will become hysterical and another will try to take over everything. It will become like a really badly done military drill. And if you are having a rehearsal, it will absolutely start at least 30 minutes late and possibly an hour.
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That's why the girls (her sisters) aren't going to be in the wedding. All they have to do that day is show up, and if they choose to do so 25 minutes late, fine. They're going to miss the first half of the wedding. Her mother is not really that much of a dramatist, so I don't believe that will be a problem.

joko104 said:
As for the incident of her letting go with how she REALLY feels at everyone BUT you? Well, she has to wait until married to you before it's your turn. Then they they are all going to unite in agreement about what is wrong with YOU. Blood is thicker than water. Everything is going to change when you marry her. You realize that, don't you? What you saw is what's coming your way.
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Not likely, but I can understand why one would think so.
 
Yikes, this is even better than Say Yes to the Dress.
 
Tigger said:
This is directed mostly at the ladies of DP, but any gentleman who has constructive advice is more than welcome to participate as well....

My fiance has an appointment with a wedding dress shop for the last Saturday of the month. This is the third appointment that she has made. She had to cancel the first two due to the "unavailability" of two of the people she wanted to go with her. Now she's looking at possibly having to do the same thing again. Here's the background....

Last April Tisha's (my fiance) younger sister Stephanie got married. It was a very small, poorly planned and hastily thrown together wedding. Despite her interest in helping Stephanie shop for a wedding dress, Tisha was not invited on either of the shopping trips for Stephanie's bridal gown. Nor was their mother, despite the fact that the mother paid for the first ($200) dress and then the second ($500) dress (and has not yet been reimbursed the $200 she spent on the first dress which was returned). Tisha was told "You really don't understand style, so I don't want you with me when I shop for my dress." by Stephanie. So be it. Tisha is long since over any displeasure with what Stephanie did.

Now we come to the first Saturday in November last year, when Tisha was supposed to do her first dress shopping trip. She invited her mother and three of her sisters; Stephanie, Jessica, and Kim. Despite having gotten confirmation from them more than a month before, both Stephanie and Jessica failed to set up child care for their children for that day and the trip had to be cancelled in the week before it due to an inability/unwillingness of the girls to do anything about finding child care except.... "Just leave Kim home with the kids. She doesn't need to come with us." which was not an acceptable answer in Tisha's mind.

The trip was rescheduled for the middle of December, and again confirmations from all four invitees were gotten. Again, Stephanie and Jessica "suddenly" came up with reasons not to be able to attend at the last minute, despite having more than a month to make suitable arrangements. This really didn't surprise Tisha or myself, as the amount of jealousy and animosity about our upcoming wedding from the two sisters has been growing significantly as the date approaches.

It was decided that the new January appointment would only be Tisha, her mom, and Kim. Now the other two girls are all up in arms that they're not being invited on the dress shopping trip..... even though at least one of them has already said they are not available for the new date. I keep telling Tisha that all they girls are going to do is sabotague the day anyway, so go without them. We've already removed both of them (and pretty much everyone else) from the wedding party because we don't feel comfortable that people can/will be able to do what we want of them. Yet, as of this morning, Tisha is considering rescheduling the appointment again to attempt to accomidate her sisters.

Thoughts, ideas, or other constructive materials on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
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Note to Tisha: Grow a backbone.

If Tisha is upset her sisters are upset? She could possibly re-schedule it one more time...just to prove to herself that this is a conscious decision her sisters are making to not put priority on the appointment. She gets two clear dates from them in advance (all of them), schedules the appointment, and whoever shows shows. Whoever doesn't gets a "we sure missed you" phone call. If I ended up alone, I'd thank my lucky stars.

Me? I wouldn't put up with this bull****. And wouldn't need one single person but me. But this isn't real life. This is fairy-tale bull crap.

Edit: IMO, this is an effort to start trouble. If I were Tisha, I wouldn't take the bait. Her sisters wanna' fight.
 
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joko104 said:
Wait until the wedding. There will be a battle of who gets her makeup on last. Guests will be waiting. Likely her mother will try to upstage it all by making everyone wait until she finally gets done. Some trivial thing will be forget and someone will have to go dash for it. At least one of the sisters will become hysterical and another will try to take over everything. It will become like a really badly done military drill. And if you are having a rehearsal, it will absolutely start at least 30 minutes late and possibly an hour.

As for the incident of her letting go with how she REALLY feels at everyone BUT you? Well, she has to wait until married to you before it's your turn. Then they they are all going to unite in agreement about what is wrong with YOU. Blood is thicker than water. Everything is going to change when you marry her. You realize that, don't you? What you saw is what's coming your way. :2razz:

You can't say you weren't warned.
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Jesus, you pegged my marriage in a nutshell
 
Tigger said:
Thoughts, ideas, or other constructive materials on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
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Well, this is just me, but if it were me getting married, and looking for a dress, I'd go solo, and I'd buy whatever I wanted, with the money I had to spend on it. If it's my wedding, it's my choice (assuming I am paying for it).
 
Tigger said:
Thoughts, ideas, or other constructive materials on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
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Not really sure there's much you can do. Try to convince her to leave her sisters behind and go do it herself, but she may not listen.
 
MaggieD said:
Me? I wouldn't put up with this bull****. And wouldn't need one single person but me. But this isn't real life. This is fairy-tale bull crap.
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Yes it is fairy-tale stuff, because that's what she wants the wedding to be..... her one shot at getting a day to be the Princess/Queen of the World; and her parents and I are trying to give that to her.

MaggieD said:
Edit: IMO, this is an effort to start trouble. If I were Tisha, I wouldn't take the bait. Her sisters wanna' fight.
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Her sisters GOT a fight on Tuesday night, and what a fight it was. I think EVERYONE got a new view of everyone else that evening.


lizzie said:
Well, this is just me, but if it were me getting married, and looking for a dress, I'd go solo, and I'd buy whatever I wanted, with the money I had to spend on it. If it's my wedding, it's my choice (assuming I am paying for it).
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Tisha wanted this to be a colaborative effort. She's now down to taking her mom and the one sister who actually seems to be interested in helping with the wedding. Stephanie and Jessica have been told they're basically out of the wedding entirely. Their only jobs that day will be to show up sober, with sober significant others and children who are in line and dressed appropriately. Failure to do so will lead to them being "asked" to leave.
 
molten_dragon said:
Not really sure there's much you can do. Try to convince her to leave her sisters behind and go do it herself, but she may not listen.
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After Tuesday night that's pretty much been agreed upon (not sure you made it that far through the thread yet).
 
Tigger said:
Oh My Lord last night was an event unlike any I've ever seen before. What was supposed to be a "Family Meeting" turned into an intervention that most reality television programs couldn't have scripted......

Tisha and I showed up at her parents home about 5:30, which it turns out was about an hour before the other two couples had been told to arrive. We were taken upstairs into the Master Bedroom and informed that the parents had already had two different "sit-downs" with the girls about the wedding issue. One back in September and the other just before Thanksgiving. Obviously neither had the desired affect. We were also told that the Friday between Christmas and New Years the girls had been warned that as of the first of the year the "Bank of Mommy and Daddy" was closed for almost all transactions. The 3 cell phones that the girls (and Stephanie's husband) had through mom & dad's plan were being cancelled as of 1/15. All vehicle registrations, car insurance policies, etc... had to be separated from the parents policies before the end of January. Since both girls get SNAP assistance, there would be no more of mom and dad picking up $40-60 of groceries for each family. Additionally, any child care duties the girls wanted their sister Kim (who still lives at home) to take on would be charged at the rate of $1.50/hour for each child payable when the kids were DROPPED OFF, not when they were picked up. Overages would have to be paid prior to any future babysitting could be scheduled. This was rather shocking to both of us, since the entire time I've known this family the parents have coddled Stephanie and Jessica as if they were still living at home, which for part of the time Stephanie was (despite having 4 kids and being in her mid-20's).

The other two couples rolled in at about 6:29, with all 7 kids in tow. The children were informed that they would have to stay on the first floor under the supervision of Kim and their uncle Hector while the other 8 of us went upstairs to have this "meeting". I was pleasantly surprised at the way both grandparents put their feet down when the chorus of "but I want to be with you" complaints erupted.

The four couples went upstairs, all of our cell phones were taken and secured in the safe (to prevent people from focusing on other things), and the landline phone was disconnected from the wall. The meeting started by their parents going over the list of "freebies" that were ending with the girls, who were rather shocked that this was actually something other than a hollow threat, as it had been in the past from their parents. This of course led to a 45 minute bitch session about how each of them "deserves" these freebies, combined with intra-couple bickering since neither girl had told their significant other that the phones were being shut off and that they were going to have to start taking on several of the other expenses they've been pawning off on their parents for at least the last several years. Tisha and I just sat their quietly, trying to keep from smiling or laughing too much. At the end of this you had four exceptionally pissed-off adults and two parents who I was happy but surprised had held their ground.

Stephanie and Jessica seemed to think the conversation was over at that point since they both got up to leave. My mother-in-law-to-be promptly informed them that the meeting was not done yet and proceeded to start in on how disappointed she was with the way both they and their significant others were treating Tisha and myself in regards to the wedding planning. I kind of held my breath to see what the reaction would be. With their mental and verbal filters having already been removed by the previous topic of discussion all four of the other "adults" in the room jumped into the discussion at the same time. For probably a good half hour we sat there while my future in-laws were barraged with complaints, insults, and derogatory comments about how unfairly the girls had been/were being treated by their parents regarding Stephanie's wedding last April and a potential future wedding for Jessica and her boyfriend compared to what we were doing/getting for ours. I heard my fiance referred to as a.... slut, gold-digger, whore, and attention whore (among other things). These four made the two wicked step-sisters in the Cinderella story look calm and decent in comparison. At one point Tisha literally had her head on my shoulder bawling and sobbing uncontrollably. Finally her parents regained control of the situation and something close to order was restored. I took Tisha into the bathroom and got her relatively calmed down. You could have heard a pin drop through that bathroom door while we were in there.

When we came out of the bathroom something I never expected to see happened. It was like finally hearing all of these things directly and openly had woken something up inside of her and once she'd gotten through the emotional funk she came out swinging (verbally) like Mike Tyson. She let out not just the last 12 months worth of frustrations with her two sisters but about 8 years worth of frustration with everyone in that room but me. Every person in that room was utterly shocked. Everything she'd wanted to say for almost 8 years but held back came out of her mouth with the force of a Lioness and much of it cut pretty deep into the people it was focused towards. Not just her sisters, but her parents and her sister's significant others as well. She went on for probably the better part of 40 minutes without stopping. At the end every single one of us in that room was utterly shocked.

The room sat mostly silent for about 5 minutes before anyone even responded. There was actually some semi-reasonable conversation about a number of topics, including the wedding, after that. We finally got done about 9:45 last night and hopefully it will make some difference. There is still some obvious jealousy and envy between the girls, but I think that maybe we've at least come to an arrangement where we can get through the wedding without any major issues. HOPEFULLY.
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Hope you got a good night's rest...that was quite a dream.
 
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