Thread: This is how I messed up.

If this OP is objectionable, then please delete the whole thing quickly.

I have a story here which may not have a solution, like most things don't, but your opinions are very interesting, and maybe my story will save someone from going down my path.

I have never taken drugs, except one time, and that made me feel like murderers jump out of thin air to kill me and rob me. I don't know the name of that drug they gave me, but ever since that night, every night I feel that way when I am alone in a building.

So I exploited ladies' interests and always made sure that I sleep with someone in my bed. I had many girlfriends since I discovered this fix.

But now some time ago, I realized that I Corinthians 13 is true, and I am nothing without a woman loving me, so I decided to disassemble my life and rebuild it around one girlfriend who agreed to build a common life with me.

She needed an operation and in my usual arrogant attitude, I convinced her that she will get a better service here in France than back home in America, and I took her to France to live with me, essentially uprooting our life in the States.

Then her doctor prescribed too few pain killers (I guess) after her operation, and I went back to the doctor to get to know him and I convinced him to write some more pills for her because she was complaining of the pain so badly.

Now I am realizing that she got addicted to those pills. For the 2nd time now, when we are in bed and I want to give her a hug, she kicks me really hard, pushes me away and takes the pills. She says that I got her hurt and that I betrayed her with this abuse.

And I must say that she is right! I abused and betrayed the one person who loved me.

What shall I do? Take back my life and carry on? I have no life, I disassembled it and gave it to her. I should have known what drugs do when I went to talk to her doctor. I should have known what moving countries means to a person who had never done that. I should have had consideration and respect for her. I deserve what I get. I don't exist now, even though taking the average US life expectancy statistics, I have way more than 60 years still to live in my physical body.

How do you count down so patiently all your years? I think I have now reached my end, she refuses to talk to me altogether, not even a "hi" when we go to bed, all I can do is sit and watch her absolutely beautiful shapely body and face fall asleep, without one word. I did all this destruction all by myself, and now I am a horrible betrayer, an abuser, and a nobody, for not thinking about her. She is the most caring, supportive, and loving, selfless, and beautiful girl in the world. Is there a way to fix this problem that I created? I know that with a failed suicide attempt I would just make myself disabled, but a successful suicide attempt would put me in a scary place. What do people do with all those years they pull on themselves in their average 85 year long lives after they destroy the one person who loved them?

First, I want to say I am so sorry to read your story. It's heart-breaking.

Second, I want to say that nothing is beyond repair, if you both want to work at it. As long as there is breath, there is hope. It sounds like you both have some serious problems to deal with, but that is what problems are for: dealing with. It will take honesty and openness on both of your parts. It will take tearing down what you BOTH have built, and putting it back together in a healthy functional manner. If she does not desire this, then you have a choice to make. You can again deconstruct your own world, and put it back together for yourself, not for anyone else. As long as you believe that it absolutely requires another person, for you to feel whole, then you have not found yourself yet. I'm not saying this to sound hard-hearted in any way. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. A healthy relationship takes two people who are both good with being themselves. It will likely take alot of pain, and alot of give and take. Try to find it within yourself not to give up. Life is too short to spend it living in the shadow of someone else.

Truly, I wish you the best.

1) Get in touch with her family or old friends and explain the situation
2) Get her to a drug-rehab center - or back to the US and then a drug rehab center
3) Get yourself to a psychiatrist and talk it out

I only know what you've written - it sounds like life happened and nothing more. . . sometimes life sucks.

ab,

From my perspective, the short answer to your question, is this.

You either decide you're going to off yourself right, or you decide you're going to fight to live until you either make it or it kills you from trying. Everything else is just living dyingly. There's no point in that.

If you're brave, you live, because it's the only way you can fix it.

Now here's the long answer.

As much as what has happened seems permanent, it isn't. Life can change dramatically in very short spaces of time. And that's what I'd recommend - use your last gasp of energy changing your life. You can wait around it to change too, but that will take much longer and the longer you wait in this state of believing you will be this miserable forever, the less likely you are to pull through it.

Consider something, ab.

Whatever you think of life and what happens after, this is your one guarantee. It's the one and only thing you know for absolutely certain you have, and that you can control. And I take it you're young. There is so much you can still do with it. You can go on to be happy, and this can fade to nothing but a dark spot in your history, but hopefully one that made you grow as a person.

If you're lucky, maybe you can even fix this. But if you can't, such is life. None of us are perfect and none of us get off scoff-free. She chose to follow you. She asked you for the drugs. You are not some sort of evil man. You were doing what you thought was best, because you couldn't hear your own conscious speaking.

While I, like you, tend to judge my worth by how I am affecting those outside me, realize you are far more than one woman. You are the sum total of everything you do in the world. And you still have a chance to do a lot more. To heal 10 things for every 1 you broke. You could still do that.

And you have to realize that in order to do that, you can't dismantle your identity for someone. Rather, you need to solidify it. You need to be rock-solid in who you are, because it's only then you can clearly hear your own conscious. Consumed in another person, it is no wonder you didn't realize what you were doing.

You do exist, and you're in there somewhere, mired in the darkness of your mind. You just have to find it.

I'd recommend you find help with that. Groping at the dark can be quite confusing.

I'd also recommend you choose life. Not because you have to. Not because you're "selfish" if you don't - I don't believe in guilting people who are in pain. But because if you do, you can still leave the world better than you found it. And the desire for that is what all your pain is really about.

Originally Posted by ab9924

If this OP is objectionable, then please delete the whole thing quickly.

I have a story here which may not have a solution, like most things don't, but your opinions are very interesting, and maybe my story will save someone from going down my path.

I have never taken drugs, except one time, and that made me feel like murderers jump out of thin air to kill me and rob me. I don't know the name of that drug they gave me, but ever since that night, every night I feel that way when I am alone in a building.

So I exploited ladies' interests and always made sure that I sleep with someone in my bed. I had many girlfriends since I discovered this fix.

But now some time ago, I realized that I Corinthians 13 is true, and I am nothing without a woman loving me, so I decided to disassemble my life and rebuild it around one girlfriend who agreed to build a common life with me.

She needed an operation and in my usual arrogant attitude, I convinced her that she will get a better service here in France than back home in America, and I took her to France to live with me, essentially uprooting our life in the States.

Then her doctor prescribed too few pain killers (I guess) after her operation, and I went back to the doctor to get to know him and I convinced him to write some more pills for her because she was complaining of the pain so badly.

Now I am realizing that she got addicted to those pills. For the 2nd time now, when we are in bed and I want to give her a hug, she kicks me really hard, pushes me away and takes the pills. She says that I got her hurt and that I betrayed her with this abuse.

And I must say that she is right! I abused and betrayed the one person who loved me.

What shall I do? Take back my life and carry on? I have no life, I disassembled it and gave it to her. I should have known what drugs do when I went to talk to her doctor. I should have known what moving countries means to a person who had never done that. I should have had consideration and respect for her. I deserve what I get. I don't exist now, even though taking the average US life expectancy statistics, I have way more than 60 years still to live in my physical body.

How do you count down so patiently all your years? I think I have now reached my end, she refuses to talk to me altogether, not even a "hi" when we go to bed, all I can do is sit and watch her absolutely beautiful shapely body and face fall asleep, without one word. I did all this destruction all by myself, and now I am a horrible betrayer, an abuser, and a nobody, for not thinking about her. She is the most caring, supportive, and loving, selfless, and beautiful girl in the world. Is there a way to fix this problem that I created? I know that with a failed suicide attempt I would just make myself disabled, but a successful suicide attempt would put me in a scary place. What do people do with all those years they pull on themselves in their average 85 year long lives after they destroy the one person who loved them?

They forget them and move on. Were she the only woman God ever created, your agony might be justified to an extent. Since she is not, you needn't cling as you do. And whatever your own transgressions, she cannot be the bastion of perfection you make of her.

Trust me. You'll be amazed at just how quickly the pain will dissipate, once you begin to measure yourself in terms of yourself, and not another. That is vanity. To become what she needs you to be, would be akin to you actually being her. This cannot be. You can only ever be you.

And should love recommend itself to you, you'll be even more amazed at just how ready to hand it is. The world is a melting pot of possibility, and any number of women can give you what you seek. In your guilt, you've falsely attributed to her a quality of uniqueness that is not her due. Time to expand your horizons, my friend.

Btw, 1 Corinthians 13 doesn't say that.

Forget suicide. You have no need of it, and it would contradict the idea that you suffer only for her. Suicide is about self. And your problem is far from desperate, regardless. Just chill out, realise she's not the only woman who was ever created, and find another one (if that's what you truly need). You're sorry, and that should suffice. If not, then perhaps your problem is her.

Originally Posted by lizzie

First, I want to say I am so sorry to read your story. It's heart-breaking.

Second, I want to say that nothing is beyond repair, if you both want to work at it. As long as there is breath, there is hope. It sounds like you both have some serious problems to deal with, but that is what problems are for: dealing with. It will take honesty and openness on both of your parts. It will take tearing down what you BOTH have built, and putting it back together in a healthy functional manner. If she does not desire this, then you have a choice to make. You can again deconstruct your own world, and put it back together for yourself, not for anyone else. As long as you believe that it absolutely requires another person, for you to feel whole, then you have not found yourself yet. I'm not saying this to sound hard-hearted in any way. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. A healthy relationship takes two people who are both good with being themselves. It will likely take alot of pain, and alot of give and take. Try to find it within yourself not to give up. Life is too short to spend it living in the shadow of someone else.

Truly, I wish you the best.

Thanks lizzie for your kind and wise words. I wish I could understand better and carry out what you are suggesting. Yes, I am clinging to hope, she is very important to me. And yes you are right, I don't really know myself much. In fact, I don't even know how to enumerate all the parameters that I need to take into account for finding myself. I wish I could do that, but it seems more complicated than flying to Mars. I dare to ask, if you know anyone who succeeded with this, how did the start?

Originally Posted by Aunt Spiker

1) Get in touch with her family or old friends and explain the situation
2) Get her to a drug-rehab center - or back to the US and then a drug rehab center
3) Get yourself to a psychiatrist and talk it out

I only know what you've written - it sounds like life happened and nothing more. . . sometimes life sucks.

I think you are right, I will have to do these things and they will all blame me, I guess. Although that will not make life suck more than it does already.

ab , you should get her to have drug rehab services as soon as possible...and try to rebuild the love between you and her .)))

Originally Posted by ab9924

I think you are right, I will have to do these things and they will all blame me, I guess. Although that will not make life suck more than it does already.

Yeah sure - they might blame you. Expect it = prepare for it . . . always turn the emphasis back on her. "I'm concerned about her" "I'm worried about her" "She needs help" - etc etc. Emphasize that instead of casting negativity on you they should be more worried about helping her.

I imagine moving to another country is unbelievably stressful and depressing - even without the ailment she's dealing with. And being a spouse of a persistently ailing partner I know that often in the effort to put them back together, get them help, and ease their misery - you end up taking all their issues onto yourself and your problems that develop can go unnoticed.

Which is why I urge you to seek help, also - to cope.

I think it's sweet that you care but truly: if bringing her back to the US and family and maybe having to be without her for a while is the best thing *for her* - then that's what you might have to do.

Originally Posted by ab9924

If this OP is objectionable, then please delete the whole thing quickly.

I have a story here which may not have a solution, like most things don't, but your opinions are very interesting, and maybe my story will save someone from going down my path.

I have never taken drugs, except one time, and that made me feel like murderers jump out of thin air to kill me and rob me. I don't know the name of that drug they gave me, but ever since that night, every night I feel that way when I am alone in a building.

So I exploited ladies' interests and always made sure that I sleep with someone in my bed. I had many girlfriends since I discovered this fix.

But now some time ago, I realized that I Corinthians 13 is true, and I am nothing without a woman loving me, so I decided to disassemble my life and rebuild it around one girlfriend who agreed to build a common life with me.

She needed an operation and in my usual arrogant attitude, I convinced her that she will get a better service here in France than back home in America, and I took her to France to live with me, essentially uprooting our life in the States.

Then her doctor prescribed too few pain killers (I guess) after her operation, and I went back to the doctor to get to know him and I convinced him to write some more pills for her because she was complaining of the pain so badly.

Now I am realizing that she got addicted to those pills. For the 2nd time now, when we are in bed and I want to give her a hug, she kicks me really hard, pushes me away and takes the pills. She says that I got her hurt and that I betrayed her with this abuse.

And I must say that she is right! I abused and betrayed the one person who loved me.

What shall I do? Take back my life and carry on? I have no life, I disassembled it and gave it to her. I should have known what drugs do when I went to talk to her doctor. I should have known what moving countries means to a person who had never done that. I should have had consideration and respect for her. I deserve what I get. I don't exist now, even though taking the average US life expectancy statistics, I have way more than 60 years still to live in my physical body.

How do you count down so patiently all your years? I think I have now reached my end, she refuses to talk to me altogether, not even a "hi" when we go to bed, all I can do is sit and watch her absolutely beautiful shapely body and face fall asleep, without one word. I did all this destruction all by myself, and now I am a horrible betrayer, an abuser, and a nobody, for not thinking about her. She is the most caring, supportive, and loving, selfless, and beautiful girl in the world. Is there a way to fix this problem that I created? I know that with a failed suicide attempt I would just make myself disabled, but a successful suicide attempt would put me in a scary place. What do people do with all those years they pull on themselves in their average 85 year long lives after they destroy the one person who loved them?

You don't have the power to destroy anyone, only they do. Put responsibility where it lies equally because that's the truth.

You quote I Corinthians 13 but don't you know that you can't give love to anyone properly, till you give it too yourself. Do that first and everything else will fall into place.