Thread: Will You (Do You) Make A Good MIL or FIL?

Your adult child has chosen a life partner, with or without benefit of marriage. They do or do not have your grandchildren.

What will help you succeed as a MIL or FIL? What will cause you to fail?

For that matter, how do measure "success" in MILs and FILs?

When my boys grow up, I think I'll be a good FIL.
I'm pretty laid back and get along with most people.

As long as their partner is a good person, doesn't abuse or take advantage of them, I'm good.
One thing I won't be, is an atm machine to adult children.

This is my POV: MILs and FILs must recognize their children have become adults and have left their family of origin to form a unique family of their own. You cannot insist they continue customs you value; you cannot dictate how holidays will be celebrated; and most importantly, you cannot listen to you adult child complain about their spouse.

My home is always open to my adult child, and she could show up in her 40's with 5 kids in tow, no problem. However, if she pisses in my ear about how her life partner/future husband forgot their anniversary, I'll be angry with him long after she's forgiven and forgotten him.

Boundaries and mutual respect are key, IMO. I would never want my son-in-law to feel ill at ease around me because he and my daughter live differently than I had hoped she would.

OTOH, if he hit her or the kids (there are no children IRL, and may never be) I wouldn't hesitate to call CPS if my daughter did not protect the babies. If this was a chronic issue, I'd have no problem trying to get custody of my grandchildren...though taking legal action against my own daughter would just about kill me.

Still, that is the ONLY time I can imagine interfering in their lives. My advice is neither wanted nor appreciated...and I certainly would never direct it at my SIL.

Thoughts?

Originally Posted by Harry Guerrilla

When my boys grow up, I think I'll be a good FIL.
I'm pretty laid back and get along with most people.

As long as their partner is a good person, doesn't abuse or take advantage of them, I'm good.
One thing I won't be, is an atm machine to adult children.

I gave my daughter money all through school, both college and a Masters degree. I still would. I know she'll repay me if she can, and if she can't, it isn't because she sees me as an ATM.

OTOH, I have friends and family my age who have wiped out their retirement savings so their adult children and grandchildren can enjoy a standard of living they cannot afford and the mimics what they think their parents have.

IMO, this is just nuts. So is giving the grandchildren gifts that are far more expensive than anything their parents can afford. Grandparents should not seek center stage; if the adult child is short cash for school clothes, a birthday party, etc, I think grands should give cash to the parents (if they can afford to) -- and the grandchildren should know nothing about it.

Originally Posted by Pinkie

This is my POV: MILs and FILs must recognize their children have become adults and have left their family of origin to form a unique family of their own. You cannot insist they continue customs you value; you cannot dictate how holidays will be celebrated; and most importantly, you cannot listen to you adult child complain about their spouse.

My home is always open to my adult child, and she could show up in her 40's with 5 kids in tow, no problem. However, if she pisses in my ear about how her life partner/future husband forgot their anniversary, I'll be angry with him long after she's forgiven and forgotten him.

Boundaries and mutual respect are key, IMO. I would never want my son-in-law to feel ill at ease around me because he and my daughter live differently than I had hoped she would.

OTOH, if he hit her or the kids (there are no children IRL, and may never be) I wouldn't hesitate to call CPS if my daughter did not protect the babies. If this was a chronic issue, I'd have no problem trying to get custody of my grandchildren...though taking legal action against my own daughter would just about kill me.

Still, that is the ONLY time I can imagine interfering in their lives. My advice is neither wanted nor appreciated...and I certainly would never direct it at my SIL.

Thoughts?

I dunno if I'd have my house being a revolving landing pad of failure.
Not saying that's what is happening in your scenario, but once they leave our place, I want them to stand on their own two feet.
Barring any catastrophic event, the open door policy doesn't exist.
My sister is 26 and has lived with my parents, in revolving fashion forever.
She's an adult child.

Originally Posted by Pinkie

I gave my daughter money all through school, both college and a Masters degree. I still would. I know she'll repay me if she can, and if she can't, it isn't because she sees me as an ATM.

OTOH, I have friends and family my age who have wiped out their retirement savings so their adult children and grandchildren can enjoy a standard of living they cannot afford and the mimics what they think their parents have.

IMO, this is just nuts. So is giving the grandchildren gifts that are far more expensive than anything their parents can afford. Grandparents should not seek center stage; if the adult child is short cash for school clothes, a birthday party, etc, I think grands should give cash to the parents (if they can afford to) -- and the grandchildren should know nothing about it.

I'm a good brother in law and I helped my sister in law get a car.
I'm not wealthy, but I have money and she kinda took advantage of that.
Not brazenly, but enough where I won't do it again.

She only visits or calls when she's, broke or wants us to pay to eat out with her.

Basically, my generosity is selective.
Kids truly need help to get the potential grand kids something they need, ok.
If I later find out they're blowing money on retarded crap, not gonna happen again.

Originally Posted by Harry Guerrilla

I dunno if I'd have my house being a revolving landing pad of failure.
Not saying that's what is happening in your scenario, but once they leave our place, I want them to stand on their own two feet.
Barring any catastrophic event, the open door policy doesn't exist.
My sister is 26 and has lived with my parents, in revolving fashion forever.
She's an adult child.

Such people do exist -- my 38 year nephew is living in my brother's basement, and I could rant about the foolishness of this for hours. One of his adult daughters is living rent-free in a second home he owns. He'd be one example of someone my age I'm close with who has no retirement savings left because he blew it all on the "kids".

I think this is abusive. Removing all motivation and consequences from any adult's life for failure to live up to his or her own responsibilities may feel good to the MIL or FIL, but it takes a heavy toll on everyone involved. Needlessly. I

t's a subtle way of continuing to dominate and control an adult child and it prevents that adult child from growing up -- it may be gratifying to the FIL or MIL, but IMO, it is a disabling and cruel to do to a healthy adult child.

Where is it written that your adult children and their spouse and children cannot cram themselves into a small apartment and live on less?

Isn't that exactly what we did as young adults?

Originally Posted by Pinkie

Such people do exist -- my 38 year nephew is living in my brother's basement, and I could rant about the foolishness of this for hours. One of his adult daughters is living rent-free in a second home he owns. He'd be one example of someone my age I'm close with who has no retirement savings left because he blew it all on the "kids".

I think this is abusive. Removing all motivation and consequences from any adult's life for failure to live up to his or her own responsibilities may feel good to the MIL or FIL, but it takes a heavy toll on everyone involved. Needlessly. I

t's a subtle way of continuing to dominate and control an adult child and it prevents that adult child from growing up -- it may be gratifying to the FIL or MIL, but IMO, it is a disabling and cruel to do to a healthy adult child.

Where is it written that your adult children and their spouse and children cannot cram themselves into a small apartment and live on less?

Isn't that exactly what we did as young adults?

I'm 28 and just moved out of a 2 bedroom, tiny ass townhouse last year.
Occupied by my wife, my 2 boys and I.
Finally got my own home.

Totally get it.
Some parents can't think to let their adult kids learn to be adults.
It annoys me to no end.

Originally Posted by Harry Guerrilla

I'm a good brother in law and I helped my sister in law get a car.
I'm not wealthy, but I have money and she kinda took advantage of that.
Not brazenly, but enough where I won't do it again.

She only visits or calls when she's, broke or wants us to pay to eat out with her.

Basically, my generosity is selective.
Kids truly need help to get the potential grand kids something they need, ok.
If I later find out they're blowing money on retarded crap, not gonna happen again.

Brothers and sisters are a different kettle of fish. I have to remind my older brother that while I need and want his help, he is not my father. Yes, it's fabulous that he'll go shopping with me for a new car or whatnot -- but no, he does not get to "outvote" my selection.

Yes, it's great that he'll help me move the window a/c units, but no, he doesn't get to nag me about turning off lights after I leave a room in my own home. Etc.

On lending money to family: make it a gift OR a loan. BE CLEAR. Don't make it all if you cannot afford it.

If it is a gift, then a "thank you" is all the repayment you should feel entitled to get.

If it really is a loan, get it in writing, put your name on the title to the car, put a lien on the car's title, etc. If the borrower does not repay you, sue.

Don't create confusion at the beginning and you won't end up nursing a grudge in the end.

Originally Posted by Pinkie

Brothers and sisters are a different kettle of fish. I have to remind my older brother that while I need and want his help, he is not my father. Yes, it's fabulous that he'll go shopping with me for a new car or whatnot -- but no, he does not get to "outvote" my selection.

Yes, it's great that he'll help me move the window a/c units, but no, he doesn't get to nag me about turning off lights after I leave a room in my own home. Etc.

On lending money to family: make it a gift OR a loan. BE CLEAR. Don't make it all if you cannot afford it.

If it is a gift, then a "thank you" is all the repayment you should feel entitled to get.

If it really is a loan, get it in writing, put your name on the title to the car, put a lien on the car's title, etc. If the borrower does not repay you, sue.

Don't create confusion at the beginning and you won't end up nursing a grudge in the end.

No doubt, she wanted me to come along, to help look out for lemons for the car and I did.
Gave the best advice I could, given that her budget wasn't much and the selection of vehicles wasn't something I'd necessarily choose.

When it comes to giving family members money, it's a gift, always, never a loan.
If it becomes a problem, no more gifts and lesson is learned.