Thread: Will You (Do You) Make A Good MIL or FIL?

Originally Posted by Pinkie

I've been a DIL, and I can say this much: I despised my husband's parents because they showed absolutely no respect for me. E.g., I never changed my last name when I married, but every snail mail we got was addressed to "Mr. & Mrs."

I can still remember arguing with my MIL about child rearing after my daughter was born. I wouldn't allow her to have processed sugar until she was about 2; I got her all the vaccinations her pediatrician recommended; I took her for all the well-baby checks recommended.

My MIL was a tad insane and kept insisting none of this was needed, as my daughter was "at least half-white". (She meant I was less than "white" because I had been raised Catholic....she was a raging bigot of the olde timey variety.)

My FIL continuously played grab-ass with me as if I was communal property. He eventually stopped when he pulled me down onto his lap and I screamed like my hair was aflame...but he never did stop giving me the fish eye. And the creeps.

BOUNDARIES...these two never did accept that there were any. Eventually, I just refused to see them or to allow them to see my daughter.

Interesting point. I remember a GF whose parents simply would not let go of her. I did not mind the company at my house, as I love to cook, but they hoovered and were a pain in the ass. Every goddamn decision the GF parents wanted to know about and make their comments. The parents one evening actually took my car without my permission I did not know that and called the cops. I found out they were mad over some nonsense, who knows what it was maybe I farted in mixed company or some equally inane crap.

I knew the relationship was headed the way of the Titanic and I was fed up. So I knew the father was a Frank Sinatra fanatic and liked to sing "My Way" the only problem was the man sang through his nose. I practiced "My Way" and with a booming tenor voice and right intonation I proceeded to perform one night with my guitar and the mother loved it, the rest of her family loved it and the father stormed off to his room I heard banging....LOL Shortly thereafter, the relationship ended and I breathed easy.

I learned a lot about pain in the ass future in laws and what to watch out for and what not to become. BTW the GF was in her 30's

Originally Posted by Harry Guerrilla

My dad to my wife, "You'll never be good enough for my son."
My mother and sister to my wife, "I bet he really isn't at work, I bet he's cheating on you."

While renting from my FIL, telling him about the things that broke inside the house, "You don't need the air conditioner, heat pump, dish washer, etc."
My wife's step mother to both of us, "You only come to family gatherings for free food and gifts."

Well, I'd say all four failed miserably as MILs and FILs.

Yanno, growth and maturation are not supposed to end at age 18 or 21. As we age, we're supposed to continue to acquire wisdom and insight. Arrested development is never attractive -- not in an 18 year old, and not in a 60 year old.

Originally Posted by Pinkie

My child is not legally married (though she might well be his common law wife and not realize it). However, the man she is with IS her life partner. Someday they might marry, or they might not. I treat him as she asks me to: as my SIL.

She's an adult and if getting married is not appealing to her, she shouldn't have to run down to the courthouse and get hitched just to please me. She knows good and well how to protect her property interests, he's kind, and he has proposed over and over.

This is her life and this is her choice, and I respect it. She's happy and healthy, so all my wishes for her have come true.

It's all good.
I just think that being legally married, helps people avoid splitting up over trivial things.
Just my opinion.

I don't slight partnerships, but do prefer good people getting married.

Originally Posted by Connery

Interesting point. I remember a GF whose parents simply would not let go of her. I did not mind the company at my house, as I love to cook, but they hoovered and were a pain in the ass. Every goddamn decision the GF parents wanted to know about and make their comments. The parents one evening actually took my car without my permission I did not know that and called the cops. I found out they were mad over some nonsense, who knows what it was maybe I farted in mixed company or some equally inane crap.

I knew the relationship was headed the way of the Titanic and I was fed up. So I knew the father was a Frank Sinatra fanatic and liked to sing "My Way" the only problem was the man sang through his nose. I practiced "My Way" and with a booming tenor voice and right intonation I proceeded to perform one night with my guitar and the mother loved it, the rest of her family loved it and the father stormed off to his room I heard banging....LOL Shortly thereafter, the relationship ended and I breathed easy.

I learned a lot about pain in the ass future in laws and what to watch out for and what not to become. BTW the GF was in her 30's

Your GF should have set boundaries (whether she was involved with a man or not) long before all this drama. Her parents have rendered her an emotional cripple.

Originally Posted by Harry Guerrilla

It's all good.
I just think that being legally married, helps people avoid splitting up over trivial things.
Just my opinion.

I don't slight partnerships, but do prefer good people getting married.

If you prefer people to get married, I'll assume when you found the person you wanted to live with forever, you married her.

I dunno whether I endorse marriage or not. I had a wretched marriage, a wretched divorce and have handled many divorces as a lawyer that were unnessarily wretched -- and in each one, there was a minor child or two.

However, whatever my POV might be because of MY life experience, I do not try to impose my will on my adult child.

She's well-entitled to HER OWN POV.

Originally Posted by Connery

I would be a good FIL I would respect whomever my child chooses as a partner.

I have to disagree. Someone with big character problems or a criminal history, I'm not likely to respect very much. They don't get a free pass with me just because my kid brought them home. I get to choose how I will relate to a person, and there are minimum standards.

I cannot imagine either of my boys marrying somebody objectionable. I tend to be non intrusive with my kids figuring that if you take care of the big things, the other matters take care of themselves.

Originally Posted by Jerry

I have to disagree. Someone with big character problems or a criminal history, I'm not likely to respect very much. They don't get a free pass with me just because my kid brought them home. I get to choose how I will relate to a person, and there are minimum standards.

You mangled my statement by chopping it up. Read on Jerry. You make me sound like some mindless doofuss.

Originally Posted by Pinkie

Your GF should have set boundaries (whether she was involved with a man or not) long before all this drama. Her parents have rendered her an emotional cripple.

Exactly..........

Originally Posted by Pinkie

Your adult child has chosen a life partner, with or without benefit of marriage. They do or do not have your grandchildren.

What will help you succeed as a MIL or FIL? What will cause you to fail?

For that matter, how do measure "success" in MILs and FILs?

Is it bad that it seriously took me about a minute to decipher what you meant by "MIL" or "FIL"? I kept thinking MILF and FILF.

I was like....botox and a gym membership?