Thread: Dating someone who goes away for a month[w:76]

So, what it would require for this to work out for you, in the sense of becoming a serious relationship, is for HER to make a dramatic change in her lifestyle. You would have to change... almost nothing.

I don't think that's a recipe for success.

And if she's still doing what she's doing at her age, she probably does it because it's what she wants to do, no matter how much she complains about it.

I am also someone who keeps up an absolutely ridiculous pace. I don't know whether I'll still be doing that in a decade, but all of my life so far, I really only have two settings: "On" and "Off."

I'm aware that is not terribly compatible with a serious relationship. While I don't travel like she does (anymore), I have very little free time. I have very little free time because I like what I do enough that I'm more than happy to spend almost all of my time doing it. Having a serious relationship is just nowhere near as important to me.

I do sometimes have days where the tension gets a bit much - maybe something unexpected came up, maybe I haven't been time managing as well as I usually do - and I might get overly stressed out and complain about it. But that doesn't mean I want to stop doing it.

If a man asked me to give up my crazy schedule for him, I would have to decline, even if I liked him a great deal. I have plans for where I'm going with my crazy schedule. I don't, however, have any plans to "settle down," get married and have 2.2 kids. I never have, because it's never interested me. The reason people slow down other parts of their lives to be in relationships is because there is something they might get from that relationship that is more important to them than other things. But if it's not more important to me, why would I slow down?

At 36, and given that she's shown no indication of curtailing her current life to be with you, I would say it's highly likely she is the same way.

I could be wrong. But at her age, I doubt it. While it is a good idea for you to sit down and discuss what you want with her, don't expect her to suddenly up and dramatically re-style her life for a guy she's been seeing very occasionally for a few months. If that's what she wanted, she probably would have already started making changes.

Also realize that this doesn't make her a "commitment-phobe" necessarily. She might be. But maybe she just genuinely isn't interested in a commitment. There's a difference between those two things.

Originally Posted by SmokeAndMirrors

So, what it would require for this to work out for you, in the sense of becoming a serious relationship, is for HER to make a dramatic change in her lifestyle. You would have to change... almost nothing.

I don't think that's a recipe for success.....

if she wanted to, she could move in with me.

and, if she was committed to me, Id be willing to move to Canada with her....if life there would be stable & consistent.

Are you rich? Looks like she is after your money.

Originally Posted by RDS

Are you rich? Looks like she is after your money.

she doesn't care about money.

trust me.

Originally Posted by Thunder

The more I think about this, the more I understand what's going on and what has to happen.

I want to change this girl. I want her to change her lifestyle, for me.

Can she change? Does she even want to change? Who knows.

maybe she does wish her life was more stable, secure, consistent. Or maybe she actually likes the way it is.

She constantly complains about not having enough free time, working non-stop, never having enoug breaks.

well, there are ways to deal with that. She could get a full time job. She could work park time.

She could live with someone like me, who likes her and has money. With my income, she would not have to plan 30 days of non-stop work, running around the continent, to make ends meet. With my income, she could give herself time off, stay more local, do more of the work she wants to do, rather than has to do simply in order to make money.

I like her. I really do. I think she likes me, as she says she does.

But we have to be able to meet part way. Any healthy relationship means compromise, and people workign together to make their lives together...work.

what is she willing to do? how far is she willing to go? what changes is she willing to make? what changes does she want to make.

we're gonna start finding out, on May 13th..when she comes back.

honestly, I'm not hopeful. I think at age 36..this girl is set in her ways.

but....I'm gonna give it a shot. Im gonna talk to her about these things, and other things.

if she doesn't wanna tlak about her past, or her dreams and goals for the future, then she isn't looking for a mature relationship.

1st let me say I do hope it works out for you. Maybe she needs you to tell her how much she means to you.

I do want to say though that (arm chair quack) That there are typically 3 reasons why people have traveling lifestyles
1. financially lucrative. This pretty much says it all. sacrifices of time and seeing friends and family because a lot of money is made.
2. avoidance. She may be avoiding something. Could be her past, could be intimacy. The responsibility of settling down.
3. Unwilling to commit. By having the traveling lifestyle, she never has to personally commit to personal relationships of any kind.

Sometimes those can be tied in together. I would think that if she was really starting to feel intimate for you, she would want to begin to alter her lifestyle to make more time for you. So, tread carefully. Sometimes though, even with a lifestyle of meeting a lot of people and traveling around, what appears extroverted on the outside is a facade. Deep down she is introverted in personal relationships, so perhaps she does need that extra push of someone to really reach out and grab a hold of her. For introverted guys, its like a double edged sword. They need a woman to be so upfront and aggressive for the guy to feel confident they like him, but then it becomes almost a turnoff and oftentimes intimidating.

I think you are correct in searching out where this relationship is going for you. I would say though that if this has been her lifestyle for many years, the change will have to be gradual. You want her to change for you... but, a person who needs another person to make radical changes for them is a slippery slope. If you need her to make drastic changes, that in itself could mean that she is not worth pursuing a close LTR. It all depends on what her motives for her lifestyle are, and if she does just need someone to grab a hold of her, figuratively, so that she knows there is someone who cares enough to make her feel confident that she can be MORE grounded. She may always need to travel a lot. She can be more grounded for a relationship, but still may need more traveling than most. Some people just need to travel.

Good luck, hope you find a good outcome.

Its over.

I was a fool for trying to make it work or think it would work.

Originally Posted by Thunder

Its over.

I was a fool for trying to make it work or think it would work.

no
you were foolish for not accepting the relationship as it was

do not allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good

Originally Posted by justabubba

no
you were foolish for not accepting the relationship as it was

do not allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good

no, it wasn't good. it was a fraud.

she was just stringing me along, and if I hadnt brought this up today, she woud have strung me along for who knows how much longer. she is a totally compulsive workaholic, who simply cant sit still until she is totally exhausted emotionally or physically.

i was silly to think i could have a happy & satisfying relationship with someone like that.

any anyway, she told me today that i just dont stimulate her enough. she basically told me i bore her.

well, I am know i am a lot of fun and love to do fun things. but i can't be as compulsive as she is.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out the way you hoped.

Originally Posted by Thunder

no, it wasn't good. it was a fraud.

she was just stringing me along, and if I hadnt brought this up today, she woud have strung me along for who knows how much longer. she is a totally compulsive workaholic, who simply cant sit still until she is totally exhausted emotionally or physically.

i was silly to think i could have a happy & satisfying relationship with someone like that.

any anyway, she told me today that i just dont stimulate her enough. she basically told me i bore her.

well, I am know i am a lot of fun and love to do fun things. but i can't be as compulsive as she is.

Dude, she wasn't stringing you along. The fact that she continued her hectic schedule after she started seeing you is a really, really obvious sign she wasn't into anything really serious.

You were entertaining your own fantasies that were totally divorced from the reality.

Just because her work is her priority does not make her some sort of demented person. She's just one of those people who prefers to live out whatever she feels her purpose is over domesticity. She's not wrong. You're not wrong, either. You're just not for her.

Demonizing people when they fail to conform to your fantasies is bad form. Take it like a grown-up.