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Thread: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    Quote Originally Posted by Mach View Post
    Root cause.

    Talk about it people. Not talking ****s everything up, from marriages, to careers, to friendship, and apparently, your entire existence.

    *And by root cause, for the mentally slow, refers to root cause that was in his control. Obviously whoever raped him since childhood was the primary external cause, but he was neither in control of that, nor responsible for it.
    I totally agree, but there's something else he could have done to save himself...

    Confront his aggressor and then forgive himself.

    Zeller never talked about his problem because he was ashamed...very typical in sexual and/or physical abuse cases. Most, if not all, rape victims always talk about how dirty they feel physically immediately after the assault. They have this overwhelming need to cleanse themselves from the outside in. Problem is, unless and until they're able to really discuss the abuse in a meaningful way they never truly rid themselves of "the grime".

    By not talking about their abuse, they mask it...try to hide (from) it. In "hiding," they think they can control their actions by running away from the pain and the memories, those flashbacks and nightmares that continue to haunt them. But they're only there because the victim doesn't talk about it due to their shame and guilt. And the fact that most never confront their attacker.

    You have to talk about it; get those hurtful feelings out. Otherwise, they will consume you as they did William Zeller. You have to forgive yourself as well, recognizing you were a victim; you didn't ask for the abuse to happen. Someone took advantage of you for their own selfish pleasure.

    Lastly, if you're able as the victim you should confront your attacker. Let it be known that they hurt you, robbed you of your dignity and YOU WANT IT BACK!

    Those three things - not talking about the abuse, not forgiving himself and not confronting his attacker - all led to William Zeller taking his life.

    So sad...it didn't have to be.

    RIP, William Zeller. Hurt no more.

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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    I was physically and emotionally abused, not sexually, thank all that is holy. But even with physical abuse, the shame is considerable. Somehow, in the mind of the abusee, we deserved what happened because there was something essentially wrong with us (and the abusers usually reinforce this message as well--it's somehow our fault that mommy is beating us with a kitchen utensil or slapping us broadhanded across the face repeatedly).

    I never talked about being abused until after my divorce, when I started working on why I had married someone so abusive and unfaithful. I actually thought that the way I was parented was normal, until I was talking to my therapist, and one of my best friends, about how my parents disciplined us. They were so shocked. That surprised me the most, how shocked they were.

    But, I was fully convinced that my parents were right to treat me as they did, and that I deserved it.

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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    Quote Originally Posted by MrVicchio View Post
    Some can, some can't. It's sad when someone is unable to find that outlet. You bottle it up, you get consumed. However, therapist never personally helped me. I found other ways. Sadly, he never could.
    I'm glad that you've been able to heal yourself, Mr. V. This was a very brave post.

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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    Quote Originally Posted by MrVicchio View Post
    As a victim of sexual abuse, stuff like this brings back pain.

    What he was unable to do, and I understand why, is to move beyond it. He was eaten up by the experience. He lacked an outlet to release "the darkness" (his words and they are appropriate) and move on.

    Some can, some can't. It's sad when someone is unable to find that outlet. You bottle it up, you get consumed. However, therapist never personally helped me. I found other ways. Sadly, he never could.
    Lot of different paths from California to New York. You have to pick the one that works for you. I too experienced it several times during my childhood. I found lots of different coping mechanisms until I finally got help as part of my graduate program. I believe the ultimate act of regaining control is through findng healing through forgiveness. But thats just what I have found works the most effectively. I am empathetic to his experiences and sad he didnt find something that worked for him. All too common. Tragic.

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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    May he finally have the peace that eluded him in this life.




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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    I was emotionally abused by others and physically abused (not by my parents). It took me a long time to deal with stuff, and I lived thinking that I was trash and deserved my abuses. Things like this sadden me greatly. This is one reason why we should impose harsh punishments on sexual and physical abuse. I think more should be done to help those abused as well. There is no reason for someone who was abused to "forgive themselves" because they did absolutely nothing wrong. I think they need to acknowledge what happened and attribute it to the evils of the abuser and not blame themselves. This is truly sad.
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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    This is one tortured soul. I don;t even know who he is though? Is he famous?

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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    Quote Originally Posted by Catz Part Deux View Post
    I was physically and emotionally abused, not sexually, thank all that is holy. But even with physical abuse, the shame is considerable. Somehow, in the mind of the abusee, we deserved what happened because there was something essentially wrong with us (and the abusers usually reinforce this message as well--it's somehow our fault that mommy is beating us with a kitchen utensil or slapping us broadhanded across the face repeatedly).

    I never talked about being abused until after my divorce, when I started working on why I had married someone so abusive and unfaithful. I actually thought that the way I was parented was normal, until I was talking to my therapist, and one of my best friends, about how my parents disciplined us. They were so shocked. That surprised me the most, how shocked they were.

    But, I was fully convinced that my parents were right to treat me as they did, and that I deserved it.
    Same here Catz. I was mainly emotionally abused with a dash of physical. I look back at the first 23 years of my life as a horrible experience. I was sooooooo screwed up emotionally I didnt know what I was doing many times. I had PTSD and I didnt even know it. Now I suffer with panic attacks and depression. I take meds and have it under control but 3 years ago I was going to ER at LEAST twice a year because my attcks were so acute.
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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    Quote Originally Posted by Catz Part Deux View Post
    I'm glad that you've been able to heal yourself, Mr. V. This was a very brave post.
    I've learned being ashamed of something you have no control over, continues the victimization. I'm sorry he was never able to reach that point, he might have learned to find meaning to life again. It's all very tragic.
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    Re: The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

    He never mentioned specifically the culprit. Was it his father?

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