A judge has ruled that drug testing for members of a school chess club is an invasion of privacy, and therefore unconstitutional. I happen to agree. If there is no probable cause, then forced drug testing amounts to unreasonable search and seizure.
However, in light of this ruling, school administrators have been forced to find an alternative method in which they can determine if a student on the chess team is using drugs. It just so happens that I have obtained a copy of their manual for "non-invasive drug testing on chess club members".
1) Is the student passing out face down on the chessboard? If yes, then further testing is required... a) Alcohol on his breath? If yes, then he has tested positive for alcohol. b) No Alcohol on his breath? If true, then he has tested positive for heroin.
2) Is the student throwing chess pieces while screaming like a laughing hyena? If yes, then further testing is required... a) Student hallucinating? If yes, then he has tested positive for angel dust. b) Not hallucinating? If true, then he has tested positive for methamphetamines.
3) Is the student ravenously devouring the chess pieces? If yes, then the student has tested positive for marijuana.
4) Is the student breaking the pieces in two with his bare hands? If yes, then the student has tested positive for steroids. NOTE: In this case, the student should be removed from the chess team and encouraged to try out for baseball.
Article is here.