Q: How many Republican politicians can you fit in the closet?
A: Evidently, all of them.
It’s gone past ridiculous and straight to the absurd. At this point, it appears your average public restroom has more gay Republicans in it than clean handtowels. The “holier-than-thou” party has spent an awful lot of time on their knees this past year, but they haven’t been doing a lot of praying.
I have no theories why this is the case, other than I think that being gay is the way God made some people and being conservative is a choice, and almost every Republican I’ve met thinks the opposite.
But why question it? The larger point is that if you enjoy seeing politicians destroyed by their own hypocrisy, it’s been a very, very good year. So I give you the top five republican gay sex scandals of the past 12 months.
1. Mark Foley
(September 28, 2006)
Sending sexually laced, gramatically challenged instant messages and e-mails to teenaged boys in the Congressional page program for more than 10 years.
Chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. One of the foremost opponents of child pornography in the Senate.
2. Ted Haggard
Leader of the National Association of Evangelicals
Paying male prostitutes for sex and snorting crystal meth.
A powerful force in the evangelical movement, Haggard participated in weekly meetings with President George Bush and top advisors where he gave spiritual advice. He taught that homosexuality was an abomination and actively lobbied against gay rights.
The Quote: “I did not have a homosexual relationship with a man in Denver.”
3. Larry Craig
Senate Liason for Mitt Romney’s Presidential Campaign
(June 11, 2007)
The Crime: Soliciting sex from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom
Craig twice voted against adding the words “sexual orientation” to the federal hate crimes law. Craig also voted to give states the right to refuse to recognize gay marriage–a right they already had, but the Senator wanted to really, really prove he didn’t like gay people.
The Quote: “I am not gay, I don’t do these kinds of things.”
4. Bob Allen
Member of the Florida House of Representatives
Florida Chairman of John McCain’s Presidential Campaign
(July 11, 2007)
Offering an undercover cop $20 to allow Allen to blow him in a men’s room in a public park. After being arrested, Allen tried to explain that he only offered to blow the cop because the cop was a “burly black man” and he “didn’t want to become a statistic.”
Allen was one of 21 Florida legislators to sign Gov. Jeb Bush’s friend-of-the-court brief supporting the state’s ban on gays adopting children, and he co-sponsored an unsuccessful bill that would have enhanced penalties for “offenses involving unnatural and lascivious acts” such as indecent exposure.
The Quote: “I certainly wasn’t there to have sex with anybody and certainly wasn’t there to exchange money for it.”
5. Glenn Murphy Jr.
National Chairman of the Young Republicans
Chairman of the Clark County Republican Party
(July 28, 2007)
Murphy got a fellow Young Republican drunk and then spent the night at his house. The other young man woke up in the middle of the night to find Murphy giving him mouth-to-penis resuscitation. After this incident, a 1998 sexual battery report came to light in which Murphy was alleged to have done the exact same thing.
Murphy was a well-paid political consultant for Republican candidates and often advised them to use gay marriage as a wedge issue to paint their opponents as out of touch with traditional values.
The Quote: “I was in the Sound of Music in High School…don’t ask” (from his now-defunct Myspace page.)