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Thread: US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

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    US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

    Yes, folks, the ultimate secret weapon in the War on Terror has now been deployed.


    With firm resolve, the Warlords of Afghanistan will soon become a turgid mass of muscle and flesh, working hard between the giant mountains of Pakistan and Afghanistan, swiftly and rhythmically moving through the nether regions of South Asia, eagerly probing every dark and damp cave they find, until they finally arrive at bin Laden's back door. At that point, bin Laden will definitely be screwed, as well as every chicken and goat within a 500 mile radius.

    Article is here.
    Last edited by danarhea; 12-26-08 at 02:58 PM.
    The ghost of Jack Kevorkian for President's Physician: 2016

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    Norville Rogers
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    Re: US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

    “Just like that?” said Ron, looking awestruck. “You just walked right into a giant camp?”
    “Well, Dumbledore’d told us how ter do it,” said Hagrid. “Give the Gurg gifts, show some
    respect, yeh know.”
    “Give the what gifts?” asked Harry.
    “Oh, the Gurg - means the chief.”
    “How could you tell which one was the Gurg?” asked Ron.
    Hagrid grunted in amusement.
    “No problem,” he said. “He was the biggest, the ugliest an’ the laziest. Sittin’ there waitin’ ter be
    brought food by the others. Dead goats an’ such like. Name o’ Karkus. I’d put him at twenty-two, twenty-three feet an’ the weight o’ a couple o’ bull elephants. Skin like rhino hide an’ all.”
    “And you just walked up to him?” said Hermione breathlessly.
    “Well… down ter him, where he was lyin’ in the valley. They was in this dip between four pretty
    high mountains, see, beside a mountain lake, an’ Karkus was lyin’ by the lake roarin’ at the
    others ter feed him an’ his wife. Olympe an’ I went down the mountainside -”
    “But didn’t they try and kill you when they saw you?” asked Ron incredulously.
    “It was def’nitely on some o’ their minds,” said Ha grid, shrugging, “but we did what Dumbledore told us ter do, which was ter hold our gift up high an’ keep our eyes on the Gurg an’ ignore the others. So tha’s what we did. An’ the rest of ‘em went quiet an’ watched us pass an’ we got right up ter Karkus’s feet an’ we bowed an’ put our present down in front o’ him.”
    “What do you give a giant?” asked Ron eagerly. “Food?”
    “Nah, he can get food all righ’ fer himself,” said Hagrid. “We took him magic. Giants like magic, jus’ don’ like us usin’ it against ‘em. Anyway, that firs’ day we gave ‘im a branch o’ Gubraithian fire.”
    Hermione said, “Wow!” softly, but Harry and Ron both frowned in puzzlement.
    “A branch of -?”
    “Everlasting fire,” said Hermione irritably, “you ought to know that by now. Professor Flitwick’s
    mentioned it at least twice in class!”
    “Well, anyway,” said Hagrid quickly, intervening before Ron could answer back, “Dumbledore’d bewitched this branch to burn fer evermore, which isn’ somethin’ any wizard could do, an’ so I lies it down in the snow by Karkus’s feet and says, ‘A gift to the Gurg of the giants from Albus Dumbledore, who sends his respectful greetings.’”
    “And what did Karkus say?” asked Harry eagerly.
    “Nothin’,” said Hagrid. “Didn’ speak English.”
    “You’re kidding!”
    “Didn’ matter,” said Hagrid imperturbably, “Dumbledore had warned us tha’ migh’ happen.
    Karkus knew enough to yell fer a couple o’ giants who knew our lingo an’ they translated fer us.”
    “And did he like the present?” asked Ron.
    “Oh yeah, it went down a storm once they understood what it was,” said Hagrid, turning his
    dragon steak over to press the cooler side to his swollen eye. “Very pleased. So then I said,
    Dumbledore asks the Gurg to speak with his messenger when he returns tomorrow with another
    gift.”
    “Why couldn’t you speak to them that day?” asked Hermione.
    “Dumbledore wanted us ter take it very slow,” said Hagrid. “Let ‘em see we kept our
    promises. We’ll come back tomorrow with another present, an’ then we do come back with
    another present - gives a good impression, see? An’ gives them time ter test out the firs’ present
    an’ find out it’s a good one, an’ get ‘em eager fer more. In any case, giants like Karkus -
    overload ‘em with information an’ they’ll kill yeh jus’ to simplify things. So we bowed outta the
    way an’ went off an’ found ourselves a nice little cave ter spend that night in an’ the followin’
    mornin’ we went back an’ this time we found Karkus sittin’ up waitin’ fer us lookin’ all eager.”
    “And you talked to him?”
    “Oh yeah. Firs’ we presented him with a nice battle helmet -goblin-made an’ indestructible, yeh
    know - an’ then we sat down an’ we talked.”
    “What did he say?”
    “Not much,” said Hagrid. “Listened mostly. Bu’ there were good signs. He’d heard o’
    Dumbledore, heard he’d argued against the killin’ o’ the last giants in Britain. Karkus seemed ter
    be quite int’rested in what Dumbledore had ter say. An’ a few o’ the others, ‘specially the ones
    who had some English, they gathered round an’ listened too. We were hopeful when we left that
    day. Promised ter come back next mornin’ with another present…
    “Bu’ that night it all wen’ wrong.”
    “What d’you mean?” said Ron quickly.
    “Well, like I say, they’re not meant ter live together, giants,” said Hagrid sadly. “Not in big
    groups like that. They can’ help themselves, they half kill each other every few weeks. The men
    fight each other an’ the women fight each other; the remnants of the old tribes fight each other,
    an’ that’s even without squabbles over food an’ the best fires an’ sleepin’ spots. Yeh’d think,
    seein’ as how their whole race is abou’ finished, they’d lay off each other, bu’…”
    Hagrid sighed deeply.
    “That night a fight broke out, we saw it from the mouth of our cave, lookin’ down on the valley.
    Went on fer hours, yeh wouldn’ believe the noise. An’ when the sun came up the snow was
    scarlet an’ his head was lyin’ at the bottom o’ the lake.”
    “Whose head?” gasped Hermione.
    “Karkus’s,” said Hagrid heavily. “There was a new Gurg, Golgomath.” He sighed deeply.
    “Well, we hadn’ bargained on a new Gurg two days after we’d made friendly contact with the firs’ one, an’ we had a funny feelin’ Golgomath wouldn’ be so keen ter listen to us, bu’ we had ter try.”
    “You went to speak to him?” asked Ron incredulously. “After you’d watched him rip off another
    giant’s head?”
    “Course we did,” said Hagrid, “we hadn’ gone all that way ter give up after two days! We wen’
    down with the next present we’d meant ter give ter Karkus.
    “I knew it was no go before I’d opened me mouth. He was sitting there wearin’ Karkus’s helmet,
    leerin’ at us as we got nearer. He’s massive, one o’ the biggest ones there. Black hair an’
    matchin’ teeth an’ a necklace o’ bones. Human-lookin’ bones, some of ‘em. Well, I gave it a go -
    held out a great roll o’ dragon skin - an’ said, ‘gift fer the Gurg of the giants —’ Nex’ thing I
    knew, I was hangin’ upside-down in the air by me feet, two of his mates had grabbed me.”
    Hermione clapped her hands to her mouth.
    “How did you get out of that?” asked Harry.
    “Wouldn’ta done if Olympe hadn’ bin there,” said Hagrid. “She pulled out her wand an’ did some o’ the fastes’ spellwork I’ve ever seen. Ruddy marvellous. Hit the two holdin’ me right in the eyes with Conjunctivitus Curses an’ they dropped me straightaway - bu’ we were in trouble then, ‘cause we’d used magic against ‘em, an’ that’s what giants hate abou’ wizards. We had ter leg it an’ we knew there was no way we was going ter be able ter march inter the camp again.”
    “Blimey, Hagrid,” said Ron quietly.

  3. #3
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    Re: US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

    Quote Originally Posted by danarhea View Post
    Yes, folks, the ultimate secret weapon in the War on Terror has now been deployed.


    With firm resolve, the Warlords of Afghanistan will soon become a turgid mass of muscle and flesh, working hard between the giant mountains of Pakistan and Afghanistan, swiftly and rhythmically moving through the nether regions of South Asia, eagerly probing every dark and damp cave they find, until they finally arrive at bin Laden's back door. At that point, bin Laden will definitely be screwed, as well as every chicken and goat within a 500 mile radius.

    Article is here.
    Joe Biden is rumored to have said if the viagra doesn't work we should offer the warlords $200 Million so they will like us.


    OBL 11/24/02

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    Re: US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

    In other news: Iraq has its named changed to "A Rack". =D

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    Re: US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

    Quote Originally Posted by danarhea View Post
    Yes, folks, the ultimate secret weapon in the War on Terror has now been deployed.

    .
    Would n't Cialis be better? it is supposed to last 36 hours instead of the 4 hrs for Viagra, an Afghani may have several wives
    The Square Water Melon Revolution

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    Slayer of the DP Newsbot
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    Re: US offers Viagra to win over Afghan warlords: report

    Quote Originally Posted by SquareMelon View Post
    Would n't Cialis be better? it is supposed to last 36 hours instead of the 4 hrs for Viagra, an Afghani may have several wives
    Hey, be careful here. We want them to give bin Laden death by bunga. We don't want them shooting their missiles at our own troops too.
    The ghost of Jack Kevorkian for President's Physician: 2016

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