Post By T. T. V. IV
Occupy Wall Street, enough is enough
You know, I've just about had enough of these slings and arrows aimed at the wealthiest citizens of our country. Being a member of this elite club myself, I implore you: enough is enough. Yes, maybe I own four estates on three continents, maybe my servants make below minimum wage, and maybe I get pissed off if my personal chef runs out of poached guinea foul on a tuesday night. It's not like we don't have feelings too, you know. It's not like I did anything WRONG to be filthy rich, no more than you did anything wrong to be a broke-a$$ peddler.
When I'm laying in bed, atop a Hastens® mattress stuffed with bald eagle feathers, eating a midnight snack of panda steak and braised pterodactyl eggs, it's not as if I don't STRUGGLE too. If I have to change the channel on the pearl-inlaid 125" flat panel LCD television (custom imbedded into my whale-bone relief wall) that takes a little EFFORT, you know. It's as if you people have no idea how hard life can be for anyone other than your self-absorbed busted-out selves.
Case in point, last month, when I was yachting off the coast of Dubai, I had a situation where the chamber boy was getting a little "delinquent" with our refreshments. Well, that's putting it MILDLY. He had clearly been instructed to bring my pitcher of martinis every hour ON the hour. So, hopefully you're not too daft to imagine how incurably FRUSTRATING it became when he was two minutes late on the forth pitcher. Obviously we were justified when we stripped him of his "honor towel" and cast him overboard to the sharks. You think that kind of decision is FUN to make? I actually had to get UP at one point.
And as for these baseless allegations that we are undeserving of our wealth, BALDERDASH!! Complete hooey. To say that we don't DO anything for our money? Ridiculous! Literally worthy of ridicule. My grandfather, T. Thesslebridge Vandermoney III, who signed over my trust fund when I turned 18, had to actually go DOWN TO THE BANK and sign the paperwork HIMSELF to make that happen. What, you thought that little trust fund just up and walked its way right into my lap, hmm? Unbelievable...
And it doesn't stop there. As a high level executive at Bank of America, I find it, frankly, INSULTING to even have to justify our new fee structure. What, you think just because it was YOUR tax dollars that bailed US out for fraudulent and irresponsible management, that we should NOT hit you with additional fees? Just because you SAVED US we SHOULDN'T punish you for that? Absurd...
In closing (and I do have to run--we have tennis at the club in an hour and I STILL haven't had my aromatherapy), I'd like to point out that maybe, JUST MAYBE you all should consider the fact that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE we at the top of Everest were placed here for a reason. Maybe it's just our turn, OK? So maybe you should consider the possibility that EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY PERFECT THE WAY IT CURRENTLY IS, with the wealth structure in this country, with the government, and with ALL active multinational corporations.
So let's just shut our penniless little hipster rumps up, chill out with the name-calling, burry our unwashed heads in the sand, and try NOT to worry about the fact that this weekend I will LITERALLY be eating a seven course meal off of the stomach of a live Malaysian girl being paid to lay motionless in "bridge" position until I'm done.