1069

My procedure is all over.
I've got to get some guts about me when it comes to medical stuff; that was total hell.
In retrospect it didn't even hurt much (they gave me two pills about 20 minutes before, and that was it for painkillers; not even any topical lidocaine. I don't know what the pills were, but I assume they were just strong ibuprofin. They didn't make me drowsy, so I don't think they were opiate-based), but I got scared and was shaking so bad she had to get the nurse to hold my knees. It was almost like I was having a seizure. I bit my tongue really bad, too. It's still bleeding. This was the same thing that happened when I had my abortion.
Anyway, she cut this polyp out- or as much of it as she could get; it wasn't very big, from what i could see, maybe like a centimeter in diameter- and sent it off to the lab; she said it didn't look suspicious in any way, but it's routine to send them, so. I'm not too worried about that.
Then she put a bunch of silver nitrate on my cervix. That burned a bit, but not intolerably. This will cauterize the tissue and may stop the polyp from growing back. But it may not. She said they frequently grow back and have to be treated all over again.

This procedure was not the horror I was prepared for, but I also feel a little let down. This has been going on so long, and I finally got up my courage to go do this, I was prepared for any amount of pain, but I wanted to have it over. I wanted to have some finality to it.
I do not feel the sense of closure I had hoped for, since the doctor 1. wasn't even positive she got it all, 2. hoped that if she didn't, then the silver nitrate would burn off whatever was left, and 3. could not guarantee it wouldn't grow back and start causing symptoms all over again.

I have been without medical care for a long, long time.
I guess I had a false and rather childish idea in my head that doctors pretty much know what they're doing. That they are like mechanics who work on cars: dx the problem, then fix it.
My perception of that is beginning to alter; I see now that it's a little more hit-or-miss than that. Try one thing, try another. No guarantees.
I feel like... if I could only see the thing, or feel it, I could remove it myself, and I'd make damn sure it didn't come back. I'd dig it out of there with a razor. But unfortunately, it's in a place where I can't get at it. Everybody else in the world would have a better shot at it than me, because I just can't get to it.

So, I'll just have to hope this doctor knew what she was doing. I'm just confused about why she "wasn't sure she got it all". I mean... you're a f'ing doctor. isn't it your job to make sure you get it all?
She had just, I guess, given me the impression on my first visit that this was something she had dealt with many times and was confident she could take care of.
I'll be very sad if I have to go through all of this all over again in a few months. I have a panic disorder, and it's very hard for me to go through this even once, let alone repeatedly.
If it comes back, I don't think I'll have it removed again. I'd rather just live with it.
I'm not scheduled for any follow-up visit or anything; she just said to come back in a year for my annual exam, and she'll look at it then and see if it's growing back.

Well. At least that's over with. There's probably nothing else i can do about it for now.

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